My mom calls her “My daughter” because she didn’t give birth to a girl. We are three boys. I was the first to get married. The day I took Lizzy home, my mom made sure that she was very comfortable. She loved my mom and my mom also loved her. Five years after our marriage, my mom had a stroke.
We thought she was going to die. We were desperate to restore her health so my brothers and I took her to one of the best facilities in town that treats such conditions. It was very expensive. It took a huge toll on our finances but it is mom we are talking about so we did our best to keep her there until she was stable.
My brothers live out of town. Me and my wife live in the same town my mother lives so we were the ones who did the trip to the hospital and back. Most often, my wife had to stay at the hospital and take care of the woman who calls her a daughter. My mom couldn’t speak or walk so my wife had to figure out everything by herself. It was very difficult, I can attest to that. My mom is huge. Taking care of her in that condition required a lot of strength but my wife never complained about the lack of strength.
I will wake up in the morning and say thank you to Lizzy. I will go out there and get her gift for being kind to my mom. My brothers sent her gifts and sometimes money for being the woman who helps their mother. Everything was smooth until my mom had to be discharged from the hospital.
I told my wife, “I have to bring my mom home to live with us. She can’t go back to where she lives because there’s no one there to take care of her. When she’s here with us, we can join hands and take good care of her.”
She asked, “So who’ll take care of her when we go to work?”
We have three children. My wife’s sister came to live with us to help take care of the kids so in my mind, it wasn’t a question of who takes care of my mom while we are away. Her sister could handle it without any problem. I thought I had everything figured out and was ready to bring my mom in. My wife said no; “No your mom can’t live with us. I’m already tired. For three months I’ve been going up and down. I need some rest. I can’t get that rest if you bring your mother in here.”
“This woman calls you daughter, Lizzy. Before she fell sick, she was all over the place loving you and letting it show. Why can’t you show her the same kind of love now that she’s sick?”
It turned into an argument. I spoke pleadingly, softly because I was the one who needed her help. My wife said no. She asked me, “For how long? For how long are we going to take care of her? For how long is she going to live with us? Taking care of three kids is already a lot of work. Find someone else to take care of your mom.”
We spent days discussing this. While my mom was at the facility, the cost kept piling up. My brothers were asking me why mom was still there when we had agreed on the way forward. I couldn’t answer them honestly. I couldn’t tell them it was because of my wife. I felt it was an internal issue I could handle as time went on but because the cost kept piling up, one day I went there and brought my mother home.
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My wife prepared her room, bathed her and helped administer her drugs. I felt this wave of victory moving slowly in my mind. “I’ve won. Look at her playing her role without a fight.”
It was a Friday evening. The next Saturday morning, my wife started packing out of the house. I asked where she was going and she said, “This is your house. You pay the rent so maybe I can’t determine who you bring in here and who you don’t but I can determine for myself where I can be. I’m going to my parents with the kids so you can have enough space to take care of your mom.”
So, a month ago, my wife left home with my kids. It was one of our neighbours who saw my plight and decided to help me. She’s a trader. She has stopped going to the market because of my mom. I pay her weekly. I couldn’t keep quiet on it so I told my brothers about it. They are angry and asking me to divorce my wife because a woman who can’t help her mother-in-law is not worth it.
Of course, I’m not going to allow them to dictate to me when it comes to my marriage. I know my wife and I know the quality she brings to my life as a supporting wife. I need her. I want her home with me and I’ve said it over and over again but it looks like until my mom leaves my house, she’s not coming back.
I want to talk to my brothers so we rent a place closer to where we live so the woman can continue taking care of my mom but it sounds like I’m choosing my wife over my mother and my brothers will fight me because of this decision.
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It’s tough, whether to go left or right. I’m not angry with my wife. I wish she could be more understanding but I can also understand my siblings. This is our mother we are talking about. The sacrifices she has made for us. If I can’t make the same sacrifices for her, then what kind of a son I am?
Where do I go from here? What decision would bring the best results? I want my marriage. I want to be in the good books of my brothers. I want the safety of my mother. Does it mean I love her less if I obey my wife?
—Stevie
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You were a son first before a husband .Now you are a father and a husband. If I were you I would hire a place for your mom so that peace will reign. You doing so does not mean you are neglecting your mom. See it from your wife’s point of view she has little children to take care of ,she gave her all in taking care of your mom now she is tired because of stress it’s not because she hates your mom. Even if you bring your mom to your home and your wife is around she won’t take care of your mom. SO why don’t you take care of her if you can and if not hire a place close to you and allow the woman to take care of her but mind you check up on her daily you cannot trust a stranger completely. If you want your thing well it must be done or checked by you. As for your siblings let them know that you doing what you said you are doing but with a different approach . Besides they are not married so they should not dictate what you should do to you . You can never remain in the good books of man because man will find something wrong with what you do. Why don’t you do what will bring peace and thunk about being in the good book of God. As for the woman don’t over work her give her a leave when you can cause she is human she will get tired . Take over when you have a day off and take care of your mom. If tell your siblings you are creating a balance and not taking sides. At the end of the day you are doing what you said you will do I.e you are taking care of your mom but this time through a help and even you just that this time your wife is not involved. Remember humans get tired of each other when they keep continously helping that’s the case of your wife. Even if the table was to be turned you would have done the same as your wife or maybe not. Divorce is not the answer to every thing. For all you may know the woman that you end up marry will not even tolerate your mother like the way your wife did. If Divorce is easy ask your siblings why they are not married? The answer is they are not married so they don’t know what they are talking about and if they are they should try and allow your mom to leave with them .They might even do something worse than what you are doing. This suggestion creates a balance because you are not taking sides. You are doing what is best for both mother and wife.
Ask your siblings to come and take care of her for some time, she is also their mom. Give your wife a break, it is not easy because I can relate.
Think about it this way, if you were the one sick what will become of you. Your wife will become tired after some days, weeks, months or years and leave you to die in misery. If she can leave your mother who treats her like a daughter then don’t think she will treat you differently when you are down. She is a bad wife. Let her go
I am very disappointed in you for making this comment. She is a helper not a slave and if its the case of the husband she will know how to act. He is not the only son, hence the other siblings can help too. This comparison you’re making doesn’t make sense at all.
You should have employed someone to take care of your mom even while living with you instead of pushing the burden on your wife. If you’ll be honest, you know that taking of someone in that condition is not an easy task. From the way you spoke, your wife works and she’ll also take care of you and the kids. Adding your mom to it will break her down. You and your siblings should have employed a caregiver to look after your mom. I’m very sure your wife wouldn’t have objected to her living with you guys if you had done that. Please bring your wife back home
Reason with your wife that there will be a help that will help her out, hmmm mm taking care of the children alone is not an easy task ooooo so pls bring your wife and also employ a helper to help out cos u said ur wife works and have 3kids. You can’t depend on ur wife’s sister. Bring her home and just reason with her, u will see she will even take charge even when not asked.
To the best of my knowledge, Of course it will be stressful for the wife, no doubt. She is right in some aspect but loving someone entails everything around the person including her husband’s mum 🥰. Perhaps, the woman has no daughter and treated you as one. Knowing that son’s and mum are connected, his husband’s state will currently depend on his mum’s health so at least she should do it for her husband’s sake. Why should she even ignore her whilst she is sick?, What if she recovers completely 😳?, Will her husband’s mum love her like a daughter anymore?, What if it was her mum and the husband reacted as such, how will she feel? Has she thought of all these? I guess no 🤔. The best decision she could make was to seek additional hand to hers, helping her take care of her husband’s mum, pray and hope for speedy recovery. You are been gifted and probably your husband will agree if you can’t combine that with work. What does she want again? She will have easily done that for her mum 🤧. Nipa ns3 hweeeee 😭 💔, treat all equal. She should compromise and sacrifice in the name of ” Love ❤️ “. Think positive, his mum will survive and what will be her fate in the house? Huh…😔 My brother, she will probably be tired of you in the same state and ignore you 😒. Just forget about your wife “but” take good care of your children because they will take care of you someday as you are taking care of your mum and the Lord shall see you through, Ohkay. There is a special blessing awaiting you as you take care of your MOM. Your mum is your mum, regardless 👌🥺♥️.
Princess you are in deed a sensible woman God bless you paaaa🤗
First of all there is nothing like ex mom nor siblings
Also am wondering what your fate would be if you were in your mom’s condition? In all do what will bring peace to your soul.
And if it’s her own mom I think she will take care of her with kids without complaint
I personally think you should get a place for mum or talk to your wife and get someone to help her in taking care of her. Don’t wish to be in your brother’s good books. They should also come and take care of her.
Divorce that woman quick. She is very evil. Wow, men are really idiots! Why even think about divorcing her in the first place. Do it already.
Neither man nor women are idiots.Here reigns the fact.Because she’s not your mother men are idiots.Do you think if that woman is your mother you would say all that?someone who treated you like her own daughter now she needs help you abandon her.Everything showed that all she did in the hospital didn’t come from her heart.The man must not divorce her tho but if I were him from now I will cut any relationship between two of them because if that woman is her mother she’ll undoubtedly take care of her with the kids she’s claiming too much burden
Healthcare is not an easy job. Even the trained professionals don’t find it easy. It is physically, emotionally, psychologically draining. Your wife is tired and try to understand her. Rent a place closer to yours and hire a health care worker for her. Your wife is a good woman and will definitely give a hand in taking care of her. Don’t forget she has to take care of the home alongside her job too.
I hope you make the best decision for your family.
Ever heard of Care giver stress?
It’s not easy to take care of 3 kids and a husband in Addition to work how much more adding a heavy woman who has stroke to all of it. Your wife as you said took care of your mum for 3 months without complaining. She wound not do that if she wasn’t a good woman and if she doesn’t love your mum. She is just tired and I can relate with her. The solution wasn’t packing out of her matrimonial home as she did tho. You both should have thought more about it and come to a solution suitable for you both. Your brothers that are advising you to divorce your wife why don’t they transport your mum to their homes and let their wife take care of her for just one month and know how it feels like to be bathing, lifting, turning,grooming and cleaning someone that is well built. Talk to your wife and send your mum back to her house where she was living before getting sick. You can employ nurses to live in with her and take her of her. That’s not to say you should neglect her. Go visit her everyday, randomly pass by unannounced to see if the people you employed are doing a good job , your siblings should also visit her from time to time, your wife too. There is a way out of this that doesn’t end your marriage. Make a wise decision because your wife is clearly a good woman.