This story was originally published in October 2019. Frances sent us an update on the story. You can read the update here.
Somewhere in 2013 or 2014, a man I knew very little of started talking to me on Facebook. I paid very little attention to him. Once in a while, he would say hello to me and I would say hi and that was all. He wasn’t persistent. He only took what I could give. He was ok if I responded to his chats but on the days that I didn’t respond, he would leave me alone and come another day.
I started learning about him through the little conversations we had. I got to know he was a Ghanaian living in London. He told me what took him to London and why he decided to live there instead of coming back to live in Ghana.
Our friendship developed naturally. At some point, we exchanged contacts and started talking on the phone and chatting on WhatsApp. In December 2015, he came to Ghana. We planned a meeting and that was the first time I saw him.
He brought me gifts—an iPhone, perfume, jewelry, and some clothes that didn’t fit. He didn’t know my size. Over the period that he was in Ghana, we met on several occasions, and on one of those occasions, he proposed to me. I told him, “Yeah you’ve been a friend for some time now but I don’t know you too well so let’s give ourselves some time to study each other very well now that you’re here.”
He spent four months in Ghana and I met him severally. Two weeks before going back to the UK, I said yes to him but again with caution. I asked, “Can we not do anything intimately until we are too sure of each other?” He answered, “Not even a kiss or a hug?” “A hug, yes but a kiss, hmmm I’m scared of what it may lead to.”
He went back to the UK and we never missed a day without talking to each other. I knew his schedule off the head and he was so transparent with me that I couldn’t help but love him more each passing day.
He came back to Ghana again in December 2016. I had missed him so when we met we broke one of the boundaries I set up—we kissed. He pushed for something bigger than a kiss but I said no. I was still cautious about our relationship, one, due to the distance. And two, due to the fact that I didn’t know any of his family members. Yes, he told me both parents were in the UK but at least there should be someone here in Ghana who could be a family.
I met a lot of his friends but that wasn’t a guarantee for anything. I asked him, “So when do I get to be introduced to any of your family members here in Ghana?” He answered, “Mom and Dad already know about you. I’ve told them everything about us but we’ll meet some of my aunties and cousins before I leave.”
True to his words, he traveled with me to his hometown and introduce me to some of his external family members. We spent three days in their home. To me, it was a big deal. Before he returned to the UK in January 2017, he made me speak to his mother. The woman was so happy to talk to me. She told me about how she couldn’t wait to meet me in person and all the good things her son had said about me. She even gave me her number to call anytime I feel like.
Now everything was falling in place for me. I was happy but I wasn’t in a hurry. The night before he left for the UK, he tried to have his way with me. You know, he wanted me so much and wanted us to do it before he goes but I reminded him of our resolutions before we started this relationship; “No intimacy until we are both sure.”
While in the UK, I spoke with his mom on many occasions and it was the mom who told me about his son’s intention to do the ‘knocking’ ceremony the next time he returned to Ghana. She told me, “Don’t tell him that I told you ooo or else he’ll murder me for destroying his surprise for you.” We both laughed about it and ended the call.
I tried cunningly to get him to tell me but he didn’t but I trusted the mother so I gave my parents a hint of what may happen in December when my boyfriend returns.
In January 2018 he came back to Ghana. I remember I met him on a Saturday. He told me, “Can you ask your parents when they’ll be available for us to come and do the knocking?” I asked him, “Are you serious?” He answered, “How can I joke about something like this?” I screamed, “Woooooooow!”
It was January 20th, 2018, a Saturday morning, when my boyfriend came to my house with two other family members to meet my parents and few other family members. They said their mission, presented the Schnapp and my family accepted it. My family then presented the items they required for the marriage and told them; “These are the basic things we require in our family before a marriage could proceed. Now we will wait patiently for you to decide on the date to have the marriage ceremony.”
They accepted the list of items in good faith and said they’ll communicate the date very soon. They left after all was said and done. I was so happy I couldn’t contain it. “This was a random guy I met at a random place on Facebook. Two years after saying yes to him, look at where we are now,” I thought to myself.
That night when I met him at his place, I told myself, “To hell with boundaries, let the drum roll.” I didn’t resist anything and we went as far as we could go. Everything we were holding on to was let go. I gave it all to him as a reward for his honesty and how quick he’d made things right. In my mind, we were as good as married. He was in Ghana from January to April, I think. When he was leaving, he told me he would return before December so we could plan our wedding very well.
I remember our last moment together before he left for the UK. For the first time, I cried. It felt like a piece of me was missing. I thought I couldn’t live without him by my side. It was an emotional moment for me.
When he got back to the UK, he called to tell me. I didn’t hear from him again that day. I sent him messages but got no response. A day after, all my messages had been read but no response. That was so unlike him, I called his phone and he didn’t answer. I called his mom’s line and she told me to calm down, it could be stress or something. This went on for a whole week. I started feeling uneasy. I called his friends here in Ghana to ask if they had heard from him and they all said yes. “So, what is the issue with me that he doesn’t want to talk to me?”
I called the mom a week later to tell her what was happening. Surprisingly, the woman was very cold to me. Before he hung up she said, “This should be the last time you’ll call my number. If you have any problem with him sort it out.” I was stunned. “What’s happening?” This went on for over a month. I tried reaching out to him on Facebook, that was when I realized he had blocked me.
Now I started getting scared. I called his mother again and she didn’t pick. I tried several times but she didn’t answer my call. I called him and his number couldn’t be reached. One morning, out of desperation, I traveled back to his hometown to look for any of the family members to talk to them. That was when I received the shocking news of my life. One of the women he told me was his mother’s junior sister told me; “No I don’t relate to him in any way. He’s rather a friend to my son who’s also in the UK so he usually calls me mom”
All of a sudden my knees started jerking. “No no no…” A part of me started feeling the whole thing was just a scum he put up but the other part of me believed otherwise. When I got back to Accra, I visited some of the friends he hung out with while in Ghana. I pleaded with them to tell me the truth but none of them was ready to talk. I kept calling them and crying and pleading with them to tell me something. Anything at all and why all this was happening to me.
One evening, one of the friends called my phone and said, “He told me you knew he was married and didn’t care. So all this while, we thought you both were just having a fling. He’s married and stays with his wife in the UK. They even have two kids.” I screamed, “What! How? Why? Where…?” I didn’t even know what to say. I contacted another of his friends and he too said almost the same thing; “We thought you knew that he was married.” So I asked him; “Did he tell you guys about the knocking ceremony he came to do?” “He did what? He went that far with you? He never mentioned it to us.” He was equally stunned!
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I told him, “He even mentioned me to his mother in the UK. I was talking to the mother often on the phone. She even gave me a hint about his intention to do the knocking.” He responded, “Dear, the whole thing sounds like a grand charade he pulled off. His mother is not in the UK. It’s rather the father who lives in the UK.”
Hmmmm…the truth kept knocking my heart into pieces. I thought I was going to die. I didn’t know who to talk to and how to even tell a story like this. “So, a man can go this far just because of sex? or there’s something I’m missing?”
I tried all I could to get him to explain things to me. He blocked all the access I had to him. But I haven’t given up looking for him. I know one day I would see him and I would ask him one simple question; “What did you do that for?”
—Frances, Ghana
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Hmmmmmmmmmm till now I still can’t understand how far a man can go just for sex. It really hurt just to realize a man can break every wall just to have a woman for sex. Infact the whole thing is just confusing. You can’t just change a spoil milk. Thinking of you getting answers from him is just adding more pains. It’s hard my dear but do your best to move on. Nothing hurt more than lies. Love can be a pain to endure when it’s from a wrong person. ????????
Hmmmmmmmmmm till now I still can’t understand how far a man can go just for sex. It really hurt just to realize a man can break every wall just to have a woman for sex. Infact the whole thing is just confusing. You can’t just change a spoil milk. Thinking of you getting answers from him is just adding more pains. It’s hard my dear but do your best to move on. Nothing hurt more than lies. Love can be a pain to endure when it’s from a wrong person. ????????