I have been dating Philip for the past six years. I love him with every fibre of my being. He also loves me more than words can say. I know this because he would do anything in order not to lose me. He is unemployed but he strives hard to help me out financially whenever I need a helping hand. When I am sick, he is there to support me. He would do my laundry, cook for me, clean, and wash the dirty dishes. He is really doing well for me.

He even caught me cheating on him twice and forgave me. I am not proud of the things I have done against him but I feel lost. I know all he wants from me is my loyalty and although I love him dearly, I am not able to give him that. I am only twenty-six. I feel I am too young not to have fun and explore the world out there. I am not ready to be tied down yet, you know. There are a lot of amazing experiences I am yet to have a taste of.

Currently, I have a side man. I met him a few months ago. This guy struck a chord in me so I had to get to know him. Unlike Philip, he is so mature and quick to apologize and let things go when I offend him. He knows about Philip yet he is still with me. He tells me, “Your man doesn’t appreciate you enough.” We spend a lot of time together. I know that if Philip finds out about him it would crush him but I can’t help myself. Just the other day, we were in his car talking and things got heated between us. We did a lot of things but we didn’t go all the way.

After we finished, he dropped me off at Philip’s place. I still had his touch and smell on me when I went to lie on my boyfriend’s bed. I felt really bad about what I had done but I cannot bring myself to put a stop to it. I told Francis, “I feel guilty about what we are doing. It’s not fair to my boyfriend.” He responded, “Don’t beat yourself up over it. We haven’t had sex yet, so technically, you haven’t cheated on him. We are just two adults enjoying each other’s company. Don’t worry too much about it.” I like the way he calms me down when I am overcome by guilt. I believe I am even falling in love with him.

I have reached a point where I always want to see this guy. Sometimes I beg him to come and see me. It’s like I won’t be able to breathe properly if I am not in his presence. I am always calling and texting him to the neglect of my boyfriend. My feelings for my side man are affecting my relationship with Philip but I can’t seem to care. He has noticed that I am giving my attention to another man. It’s hurting him but I keep assuring him that there is nothing going on beyond friendship.

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At this stage, I know that I am the problem. I have a good man who is doing everything he can to hold on to me, yet my heart and mind are on Francis. Maybe I am just enjoying the thrill of being chased by him. Or it could be that I am addicted to him. Some people have addictive personalities, you know? There have been times when I have cancelled plans I made with Philip just to be with him. Even now, if I had my way I would stop spending time with my boyfriend so I could spend more time with him, Francis. Is this normal?

There are things Francis says that make me giggle like a teenager. When my boyfriend says the same things, I would get angry and tell him he is not serious. People have seen me with him and they are asking questions, “Who is that new guy you are spending so much time with? Is your boyfriend comfortable with how close you two are?” I just tell them, “Francis is just my friend. Philip knows about him and he doesn’t mind.” However, when we meet we do things that are more than what friends do. The only thing stopping us from having shuperu is that I have not been to his place yet. That’s a line I am determined not to cross.

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This wouldn’t sound believable but I value my relationship with Philip. I can’t just walk away from someone I have been with for six years. That’s why I need help to do away from Francis. He is not making it easy for me to stop seeing him. I really need help. I have made mistakes in the past but none of the men got to me like this. It was easy for me to call things off and work things out with my boyfriend. But now, it feels impossible to move on from this new man. What can I do to get him out of my system so I can go back to my man in peace? I don’t want to hurt him again.

–Yaa

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