Two years ago when I asked for assurances, he gave me a ring. A promise ring he said I should wear to tell the world that someone’s hand was on me. I did because I believed he loved me. Of all the men I’d met in my life, he’s the one my parents liked and this brought a certain level of assurance that he would someday do right by me. He was living in a different town at first and only came around when he missed me. When I also missed him and couldn’t sit still, I picked a car and went to see him. 

We’d been dating for three years then. I have my own business that I do. It’s a good business and I’ve been doing it for five years. When I got money, I rented a new place and moved out of my parent’s house. When I got a little more money, I bought a small car and gave it to someone to operate as Uber. I didn’t need anything from him though he gave me gifts once in a while. He wasn’t doing that well, so I was the one giving him allowances every now and then. 

One day, he had a job in the town where I’m living. Actually, I looked for that job for him so he could have something better to do. He came to live in the same town as me. He came to live in the same house with me, in the room I’d rented. I didn’t see any problem with it because he said we were going to get married the following year. One year later, this guy hadn’t said anything about marriage. I told him, “It’s not as if I’m forcing you to marry me ooo but if you’re not ready, then it’s not right for us to live together. Find your own place, once you’re ready and we get married then we can live together.” 

He said I was finding a reason to kick him out of my house because I had someone else. He accused me of cheating though he hadn’t seen a single sign of cheating on me. He called my parents and told them about it and they called to talk to me. They asked me not to push a good man away because he’s not married to me. “Have patience. He loves you, that’s why he gave you the ring. Don’t push him away just because you’re doing better than him. Good men are hard to come by.” 

I listened to them and continued living with him. He lives in a house I’ve rented but he doesn’t help with anything. I pay my own bills, feed him, pay for his entertainment and on top of it, he’ll bring his friends home to finish the food I intend to save for the week. One day, he said he wanted to be the Uber driver for my car because he wanted to do something extra. I gave him the car and since then he had been operating the car as his private car. He comes from work and parks it and would only move it the next morning. On weekends, he’ll use the car as an escape plan. He’ll tell me he’s going to work but will come home with nothing in his hands. I told him, “You’re not being fair. You’re playing me because you know I love you and that’s not fair. When are you going to do the right thing in this house?”

His answer was, “I gave you a ring. When a man does that it means you’re his ultimate dream. You’re his everything. Please be patient. I’ll make a lot of money someday and you’ll enjoy it as my wife.” I took the ring off and gave it back to him. “I’ve been wearing this for over two years. The reason why I’m wearing it has lost its significance. If it’s the only thing you think you’ve done right, then take it and leave me alone.” 

He called my dad and told him I had rejected his ring. My dad called to tell me not to push a good man away. I told my dad, “He was good when you first met him. He’s no longer that man. This one here is living off my sweat and I believe it’s the reason why he’s with me.” My dad responded, “Don’t let the things you have get into your head. It’s a man who’ll marry you in the end. Be submissive and see if he won’t marry you in the end.” 

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I was being manipulated from both ends of my life. My parents were on one side and the man I thought I would marry was on the other side. One evening, he went out and came very late in the night. When I asked where he went, he told me, “You can’t ask me that question. I’m not your child.” I responded angrily, “Yes, you’re not my child but tell me what you do around here that shows you’re not my child? Even a child supports himself at some point. It turned into a brawl. He said I’m trying to control his life because of the little favours he gets from me. He insulted me and I insulted him back. That night I told myself, “This guy is living here with me in the hopes that we will marry in future. We are not married yet but see the fights. Is this going to end well for us?”

The next morning, I took my car key from him. He was dressed up and going to work when he came asking for the key. I told him, “I have a new driver. He’s coming for it today so you can’t have it.” He tried to coerce me to give it back to him but I didn’t. The next thing I knew, my mom was calling me. She started, “Why are you always fighting with  your husband?” I cut the call and left the house. My dad called and I didn’t pick up. I’ve had enough. 

All day I was thinking about my situation with him and it got me angry. I got angry with myself for allowing a man to live with me and still control my life. When I got home in the evening I told him, “I’m no longer interested in this relationship. If you decide to marry me tomorrow, my answer will be no. I’ve changed my mind so I don’t want to see you around here again. You have three days to look for a new place.” He thought I was joking. He called my parents and told them about it. When I didn’t listen to them he called his own parents to talk to me on his behalf. I paid attention to them and I nodded while they were talking. Once the call was done, I told him he has only two days left.

I changed my locks while he was away. When he couldn’t get in he called me. I told him, “I’ve travelled so you can get a new place to sleep until I return.” That evening, I slept in a friend’s house just to tell him I was serious. He called my parents to tell them I was seeing another man hence my behaviour. I told him, “Yes I’m seeing another man. There’s more pride in sleeping in another man’s house than having a man sit on your happiness.” That very day, he took everything he had and left my house. I  sighed. He left the ring on the table. He texted me, “It doesn’t change anything. I still love you and will marry you next year.”

I laughed because I was too far gone. He tried a funny comeback and I bounced him. He started bringing gifts my way, telling everyone that he was a changed person. One morning, my dad called me. He said, “Your husband is here with his family. They want to perform the knocking rite so the marriage will follow in a few months’ time.” Something about that got me livid. I told my dad, “If you accept anything from them, you’ll have to give birth to another daughter and give her to them. I’ve told you times without a number that I don’t like him. Why are you pushing irresponsibility on your own daughter? Don’t take it!” 

I cut the call and switched off my phone. When I turned my phone back on in the evening, he had sent a long voice note pleading with me not to cast him away. He gave the phone to his mom to continue with the pleading. 

The Problem Started When I Spent The Money I Found In His Laundry–Beads Media

After listening to them, I responded, “I’m not ready to get married anytime soon. When I’m ready and you’re part of the men I’m considering, I’ll give you a call. Stop annoying me.” 

That was August last year. He comes around every now and then asking me to see the change and give him another chance but I keep telling him, “I’m happy you’ve changed. Find another woman and let her enjoy this change. It’s the least I can do for another woman, to change a man for her. Just leave me out of your plans.” He thinks excessive persuasion would change my mind. That’s what my parents have told him so he keeps trying to squeeze water from a stone. I’m here watching but I’m far gone. I’ve seen enough to say enough is enough. 

–Janice

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