My first child, a boy, is twenty-six years old. There are so many things I want to teach him—things about life and living it the best way you can. But one thing I want to teach him is how to see love for the way it is and not how he wants it to be. It’s easier to allow love to be love instead of trying to make love about you and what you want it to be.

I’m fifty-seven years old. I’ve been married for almost thirty years. I’m in a very big church where I see young people get married every now and then. They look happy. They can’t wait to be called Mr. and Mrs. But the story is always different when you meet them a year or two later. They are either sad, regretting or maybe thinking of walking out of the marriage. It’s sad.

It’s only two years so why are you running?

I asked a couple this question and the man said, “She’s not the woman I thought she was.” The woman shouted from across the corner, “You think you’re the man I thought you were? Don’t get me into talking history here. Do you think you’re any better? Don’t get me started I beg you.”

Right before us, this couple tried their best to outdo each other in terms of who was the bad one. I was quiet. Maybe sad because everything they enumerated as each other’s wrong were things I’d gone through as a married man but I didn’t walk out. I stayed every year until I’m here today.

When I came across this page, I was very happy because some of the stories here gave me an idea of what people are going through and also gave me a story to tell other people who think they are going through the worst. But one thing I’ve learned on this page is the desire of young people to want to have an easy relationship. It’s good. Who doesn’t want easy? You call it soft life. Who doesn’t want it soft?

Unfortunately, love is not a soft story. It’s more.

I was twenty-seven when I got married. A young lawyer with my dreams in my bag, carrying it everywhere I went as if it would get stolen if I left it behind.

I met Sophia and fell in love with who she was. She spoke softly, wearing a beautiful grin each time she spoke. I thought, “Hmm she might be a good girl. She doesn’t even shout when she’s talking.”

I tried my best to woo her and just about a year later, we got married. Four months into our marriage and we had fought over eleven times. I’m not talking about those soft fights that end in someone apologizing and later making love to seal the makeup, no. I’m talking about fight that lasted for more than weeks.

I remember during that time, I had a client who was going through rough patches in his marriage. I told him, “Divorce her. That’s how they all are. I have one in my house so I know what I’m talking about.”

I’m happy he didn’t take my advice.

What did we fight about, me and my wife?

Sophia would leave dishes overnight. She would spend the night watching TV instead of doing the dishes. At first, I complained softly, “Dear, it’s not good to leave these things here for a whole night. Do them.”

She would give me excuses. “Oh, I will do it later. Just wait and see.”

She won’t do it.

I moved from soft talks to harsh talks which made her fight back. It was back and forth until one of us would say something to make the issue worse. We would go for a week without talking to each other. She enjoyed the weeks when we were not talking. I didn’t so I was the one suffering. In the house where I grew up, we didn’t leave dishes overnight. You couldn’t even serve tea without a saucer. My dad would complain so we learned to do things the right way and in the process became part of us.

I expected the same in my marriage but it was a disaster. It was a reason we fought every day.

Sophia did all the chores in the house. I was bringing in the money. We had a small garden in front of the house. Sophia worked the garden to ensure flowers blossomed every day of the year. I had a car. She was the one washing the car. She did laundry and ironed them because I was the Lord of host. What didn’t she do?

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She started becoming defiant. Anytime I complained, she told me, “I get tired, Philip. I’m doing this and that and also that. I’m just one person.” I said in my head, “Do I complain when I bring the money? Do you know how long it takes me to make that money you love to spend?”

Kids started coming but things didn’t change. We were fighting. After our last child, my wife was struck down by a serious sickness. We all thought she was going to die. Her mom came to live with us, helping to take care of her and the children. She also left the dishes overnight but I couldn’t complain. She committed all the mistakes my wife committed so I was like, “Oh ok, this is the source of my problem errn.”

For four months my wife was bedridden. I missed her though I was seeing her all the time. I missed the fight. I missed her talking back at me, the fire in her and the energy she brought to our home. Because she couldn’t do most of the work she was doing when strong, I picked them up.

I was washing my car and was doing my own laundry. The garden, I tended to it and made sure the flowers stayed healthy and gay. Her mother called me to the kitchen often and asked me to help. She was a great woman. She treated me like her son. She taught me to bathe my wife and dress her up because why not? “She is your wife,” she said.

She couldn’t talk but because she could nod and shake her head, I asked her questions often. “I’m putting the sponge there, is that alright?” She would grin and nod. I will pick up two panties, different colours and show them to her, “Which one? Blue or white?” She would grin and just nod. Meaning any would do.”

I learned to bathe the kids and serve them their breakfast. Her mom was there to guide me through it all until my wife started talking, walking and eventually recovered her strength piece by piece each day. By the time her mother left our house, I’d become a duplicate of my wife. I could do everything on my own without her help.

When she left the dishes overnight, I didn’t complain. I went to the sink and cleaned them up. The garden became my favourite place. I woke up early and catered to the plants and grasses before I went to work. I discovered I loved how things grow. Small plants growing each day to the point of bearing flowers enchanted me a lot so I took over the garden.

Everything in life happens for us to discover ourselves. We think we know ourselves until we are faced with a difficult situation. Then we realised we didn’t know ourselves at all. My point of self-discovery was when my wife fell sick. I started seeing things differently. Flowers grow when you tend to them. Same with marriage. And you can’t do it unconsciously. You can only grow things intentionally.

So when she didn’t do the dishes, I told myself, “Maybe that’s why God brought us together. She needs me—a man who will do the dishes because his wife doesn’t know how to do it.”

If we say marriage is about complementing each other, then this is a perfect opportunity to serve our purpose. She won’t do it? Teach her. She’s too stubborn to do it? Do it yourself and with time she’ll learn from you.

Guess what. When the kids started growing, I saw her teaching them not to leave dishes overnight. At first, she went like, “You want your dad to kill us? Wash them.” Later she was like, “No. I won’t allow this to happen in my house.”

Change happens but slowly. Flowers are beautiful but they don’t grow overnight. Patience.

I married a soft-spoken wife but I ended up with a woman who will fight back and raise her voice when the need be. Today, you call such women toxic or in the current parlance, “She’s not a marriage material.” But what’s the point of marrying a woman who doesn’t talk? I experienced both sides. When my wife was healthy and could talk back and when she fell sick and couldn’t talk back. I will pick the talking-back-wife every day.

Because you know what, who you marry today won’t be the same person you’ll end up tomorrow. People change but apart from that, people also grow up. Growth happens in everything, the way we think, the way we eat, the way we talk. Our understanding of things and even the way we relate to people change. Your wife will grow up one day and relate to you differently. Will you leave her? Your husband will start drinking though he wasn’t a drunkard. Growth is a dangerous thing depending on how you see it.

The pea and the pod grow up together. When the pea grows, the pod grows larger to accommodate them. Take this from a gardener. A wife will grow. You should also grow to accommodate each other otherwise, the pea can’t live in the pod and the pod will begin to complain; “When I met you, you were not like this. Why are you growing big just to destroy me?”

Ironically, I learned about communication when my wife was sick and couldn’t talk. We all accept that communication is important in every relationship but we usually say this when something goes wrong. Here, we say, “Sit him down and talk to him” only when the man is doing something wrong.

Let me say this, when you communicate only when things are bad, you’ll never stop communicating. Learn to communicate when things are good instead; “Oh I like what you did yesterday. It made me feel loved and I would like you to do it often.” If you communicate in good times, the bad ones hardly come because we all want to be applauded. We do often what we are applauded for. If you doubt this, look at people who have won awards before. Or if your colleague has ever won the best worker award before, watch them.

Above all, one important lesson I learnt when my wife got better was never to make her life difficult. When she was sick and couldn’t talk, I looked back at all the stress I’d put her in. If she died, I would have blamed myself. My wife wanted to work in the corporate world but as a lawyer with big dreams in my bag, I felt she should stay home until later. She stayed home and I left everything on her until she broke down.

When she got better and realized that I was helping with chores, a certain light sparked in her demeanour. She sees me washing the dishes and she would join. She sees me in the garden and she would join. I would be washing the car and she would stand on the veranda gossiping with me and fetching water when I needed it. It felt like a team and for once, I started seeing my wife come to the table with a lot of energy. Why watch TV when she toils in the kitchen alone? You’re missing a lot of good times and gossip if you let her work all alone.

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So when I see young people go through hard times today and decide to quit, I don’t blame them entirely. I blame their orientation on love and who gave them that orientation. Love is not how we see it and we can’t mould it to become how we want it to be. Love is allowing each other to be who they are while allowing space and time to accommodate changes. It’s a struggle between two different people who have a lot of reasons to live apart but have chosen to live together because what brought them together is so divine their lives would never be the same when apart.    

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—Philip

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