I grew up in a broken home. I lived with my dad and spent vacations with my mum. If my memory serves me right I was in primary school at the time. Whenever I went to my mother’s place I spent a lot of time with my cousin. He was around my age so we got along very well. We shared the same room and slept on the same bed. Everyone knew we were as thick as thieves.

My mother’s family was such that everyone was comfortable walking around naked in the presence of others. They saw each other as brothers and sisters so the females could be completely naked in the presence of the males. It felt awkward to me because I was a very shy person. Sometimes when I come out of the bathroom my cousin would follow me to our room and I’d tell him, “Get out so I can get dressed.” He would laugh at me and say “Even my big sister’s body kroaa I see it, how much more yours?”

One night during my visit, he started touching me in a way siblings shouldn’t touch each other. I felt uncomfortable but I couldn’t say anything. I just swatted his hands away like it was a fly and he stopped. The next morning, I was very traumatized by the whole experience but I couldn’t tell anyone. He was the golden boy and everyone always pampered him. I feared they wouldn’t believe me. My silence fueled him. He kept doing it until I got tired of defending myself against his advances. He would ask me to hold his ‘joystick’. While I’m doing it he would also touch me down there. This continued until we graduated from Primary school and went to JHS.

When I got to JHS I visited them less often so our inappropriate acts stopped.

I was in SHS 1 when I started visiting one of my aunties from my father’s side. She used to sell food so I’d go there to help her out. During one of my visits, her son forced his way through me. It was a very painful experience but I couldn’t tell anyone about it. I didn’t even know how to tell my dad and my stepmother about it. We weren’t the kind of family that made room for open communication. Children were not supposed to be heard so I kept quiet and endured the trauma all alone.

My cousin took advantage of my silence and did it again. The third time it happened I told him, “I trusted you as my family and my friend but you hurt me. I will never speak to you again as long as I live. Mark this day somewhere.” I made good on my promise and I haven’t spoken to him to this day. My extended family doesn’t know what he did to me and they don’t understand why we don’t talk to each other.

I was still cool with my other cousin from my mother’s side. We shared everything and talked about our experiences in secondary school. I visited the family from time to time and by then I had gotten used to seeing him naked. Somehow the tables turned and he became the shy one. Some days he would say, “Please excuse me. I need to get dressed.” Unlike him, I respected his privacy and I always excused him.  As usual, we shared the same room and slept on the same bed. He was an adolescent male – big and muscled in all the right places. One night he made advances on me and I didn’t resist it. I felt it was a normal thing to do. It became a thing. We slept with each other whenever we felt like it. No one suspected a thing because of the nature of our relationship. At a point, I stopped going there altogether and it stopped.

After secondary school, life happened. I met guys. Some took advantage of me and I allowed it because I thought that was how it was supposed to be. In the few relationships I’ve been in, shuperu was forced down my throat. I usually don’t feel anything during intercourse. I have to play with myself before I can experience any form of ecstasy. To date, I’ve never had a happy ending through shuperu and the surprising thing is that I’m unable to say no to shuperu. You want it, I give it to you and off I go. I give in easily even though I don’t feel anything.

I ended up in an abusive relationship one time and it was really bad. The man wanted to go through the back door and I resisted. One day he succeeded and from then he wanted it through the back door every day. I eventually mastered courage and walked out of the relationship but it wasn’t without a fight. All the while, no one knew about my struggles with men and self-pleasure. I kept things to myself because I was ashamed. I wanted to stop giving in easily. I tried to seek help from the Bible. Nothing worked.

I am not a hypocrite. I am just a lost soul trying to find my way to the light. Sometimes I get close to change but the darkness drags me back into its pit. I want to be good. I want to be a good Christian worthy of a good man but I keep losing the fight to instant gratification. My body craves and I satisfy it. I then wallow in regret.

At a point in time, I was friends with benefits with someone for close to two years. Around the same time, I told the guys I was dating, “We will not have shuperu until we marry.” Meanwhile, just a little push would cause me to spread my legs wide.

Recently I dated a guy I really liked. The connection between us was mutual. It was the first time in my life I ever felt such a connection with anyone. Our first intimate encounter was something I did willingly. I lied to him that I hardly do it and he believed me because of how tight I was down there. He was happy and took me as the Mary kind of woman—green and largely untapped. I was in the office one day when he video called me. He started asking questions about my sex life.

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He asked, “So tell me, before we slept together when was the last time you were with anyone?” I didn’t want to tell him anything. He pushed for answers and I got angry. I said a lot of hurtful words to him. My words got to him so he said, “You know what? Let’s break up.” I liked him so I apologized. He said, “No I can’t be with you. Your anger scares the hell out of me. You look very calm but your anger is dangerous.”

I lost him. It was hard to get over him. It didn’t help matters that I had to see him every day around my office. We worked in the same vicinity.

In the process of healing, I met someone else. He has shown me so much love and he is very serious about me. He proposed marriage and I accepted it. I told him, “Please, no shuperu until we marry.” He is very fine with it. He hasn’t tried to pressure me or force me like the other men in my past. The voice in my head continues to tell me, “This one is too good. You don’t deserve him,” but I’m the one he chose. When the urge for shuperu mounted in my body, I ran back to my ex and made out with him. I’m the devil in my own life, I know. But I don’t want to continue living like this. There should be a way the sinner turns to the light. How do I become a good person? I know this new guy doesn’t deserve a cheating partner like me. He sees me as a demure. He thinks the best of me meanwhile I’m anything but that. I easily get angry. I get depressed. I cry most of the time. I get sad over little things. Sometimes too I am just numb to emotions. How do I change?

–Abeam

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