I am divorced after two decades of marriage. The day my ex-husband served me the divorce papers my world fell apart. I didn’t think I would survive it but I did. I healed. I picked up all the shattered pieces of my life and moved on. Except now I find myself in a bit of an entanglement with a married man. And it looks like I’m going to get my heart broken all over again.

My whole life, I have never been attracted to or drawn to married men. I considered them out of bounds and that was it for me. If I even liked someone and I found out that they were married, the interest would disappear. Some people called me uptight because of this. I didn’t care though, as long as I knew that they were boundaries I set for myself and I’d never cross them. I believed the boundary was full proof until I met him.

The first time I saw him was somewhere in 2019. My heart skipped a beat and my eyes lit up. He was a cool, collected, and tall gentleman who came to my office for business. I dealt with him as professionally as possible and hoped he wouldn’t notice that I was swooning over him.  After he left I said to a colleague, “That’s one fine man.” She laughed and said “He is fine and taken. That man is married with two children.” Damn, the fine ones are all hitched up. I was glad to know he was married though. I quickly put him out of my thoughts and only had a strictly professional relationship with him. It wasn’t difficult to kill my interest in him because I saw him through the lenses of a married man.

I think back on things, and I realized our relationship would have remained professional if I didn’t reach out to him to help me purchase something outside the country. This happened in 2021, and believe me, I wouldn’t have asked for his help if there was anyone else I could ask. When I contacted him, he was very willing to help, and he did help me make my purchase. I thanked him and moved on. A few months after that he called me. He was lamenting about his marriage “Esi I am so unhappy. At this point, the only thing I can do is get a divorce. You are divorced after two decades of marriage. Tell me, how is it like? Take me through the process.”

Normally I wouldn’t have entertained such a conversation but I owed him a favor so I did my best to answer his questions. He called later with more questions and I answered them. The next time he called, he didn’t have questions. He just wanted to talk, so we talked. It became our thing. Two people with marital drama bonding over their experiences. The calls weren’t frequent in the beginning, but the more we talked the more we wanted to hear from each other so the calls got frequent.

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All we did was talk but it felt a little wrong to me. I referred to our calls as unholy. We both came to expect to hear from each other almost every day. We had video calls too. I started falling in love with him so I decided to stop talking to him. I confided in a friend about what was going on and she said “Loosen up a little, you’re too uptight. This man may be available but he is being cautious by not telling you. Don’t lose a good man with your uptight attitude.”  My friend gave me all the encouragement I needed to not cut him off. I knew for a fact because he told me that he was still legally married even though he was separated from his wife. I don’t know if the separation was his decision or they just don’t live together because they work in different towns.

As far as I am concerned, he is married and I have grown attached to him in a very unhealthy way. And it didn’t help matters that he wanted us to start doing things that he used to do with his wife. It felt like he saw me as her substitute and I didn’t like it. My unhealthy attachment to him and his attempt to substitute me for his wife had made me know that we can’t be good friends anymore.

I have tried to end whatever is going on between us but it breaks my heart. The kind of pain I’m going through feels as bad as the day my ex-husband served me with our divorce papers.

It was difficult to heal from that and I fear I’d have to live through it all over again and this time I am to blame. I have gone to fall in love with a married man. God help me!

–Esi

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