I am a 37-year-old nurse. I am married with three children. When I first started going out with my husband, everyone who knew him told me to walk away from him.  I didn’t understand why one person had so many haters. He was a very funny man. I am not exaggerating when I say this, he could make me laugh from morning till evening. Who would hate a funny man? To add icing to the cake, he showed me off. He wanted everyone in our lives to know that I was his. It warmed my heart to know he was proud of me. You know how people make jokes that you can’t advise a girl in love? Well, I am that girl.

Everything everyone said to me about him, I told him. He was really sad to learn that people were rooting against him. He asked me, “How bad can I be to warrant this level of disloyalty from my own people? Do I come across as someone who doesn’t deserve love?” I didn’t know what the history was but I was determined to stand by him and prove everyone wrong. I said, “Whatever happened between you and these people is in the past. I am here now. I am with you till the very end. It doesn’t matter what they say, I won’t leave you.”

Our relationship was a long-distance one. I worked in a village, while he lived in Accra. The distance didn’t kill our love for each other. We dated for two years. I made the trips to Accra to come spend time with him. The more time we spent together, the more his behavior changed. He became possessive. He said he didn’t like the way other men looked at me. He demanded that I stop wearing jeans. “I am scared someone will snatch you from me.” He said “Please stop wearing jeans for now. When we get married, you can wear them as often as you want.” I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to assure him that I was with him, so I stopped wearing jeans. I even stopped wearing makeup. Anything he asked me to do, I did.

The first time I saw him get angry, I was surprised. He was inches away from beating the person up. I got scared because no one could make him stop. He was like a bull charging at a red flag. I spoke to him after he had calmed down, “I don’t like how you lost control over your senses. It’s dangerous. You could have hurt someone.” He spoke to me as softly as possible, “You don’t have to worry about me losing control and hurting you. I would never raise my voice at you, not to talk of my hands at you. I will protect you always.” I believed him.

A few months after he promised to protect me, he cheated on me. When I found out, I decided to end the relationship. It seemed that month was the month of finding things out because I found out then too that I was pregnant. I didn’t know if he would want the baby but I knew I was going to keep it. Initially, I would have jumped at the chance to marry him but after the cheating thing, I wasn’t convinced he was the one for me. I was ready to raise the baby by myself if it came to it. He asked me to marry him when I told him about the baby. I didn’t say yes. He apologized several times for the cheating but I still didn’t say yes. So he involved his mother.

She spoke to me, “You know you are just like a daughter to me and now you are carrying my grandchild. It would make me happy if the two of you do the right thing. Get married so that my grandchild won’t be born a bastard. Forgive his indiscretions, and start anew.” The fact that his mother was pleading his case made me think it was a sign that we were meant to be. We got married when I was 24. The marriage was long-distance, just like our dating was so things ran smoothly. Not living together as a couple has its privileges. You don’t get to see each other always, so every time you meet, things are fresh.

A year after the birth of my first child, I got pregnant again. My husband convinced me to get a transfer and move to Accra. I applied for the transfer. It finally went through after the baby had come. Managing work and two infants was a challenge, but we worked around it. My mother-in-law came to stay with us. Her presence somehow served as a catalyst to our marital problems. She didn’t do anything to cause it. She was very helpful and supportive. My husband on the other hand literally became the man he promised he’d never be. He shouted at me for every little mistake I made.

The shouting got worse when I got pregnant with my third child. The second baby was only seven months by then. Everyone advised that I get an abortion. His family especially, put a lot of pressure on me to get rid of the pregnancy. “You don’t want our son to be rich. You want to give birth to three children within four years.” They said. My husband tried to use his role as the head of the family to make me get rid of it, but I refused. That was the first time he called me stupid. I was so hurt that I cried. I expected him to apologize for his verbal abuse but he didn’t. I had to let go. But that’s how it starts. Abuse always starts as a bad word uttered in anger, and then it progresses to more. After my husband called me stupid and didn’t even apologize for it, things progressed into emotional abuse. Time will not permit me to share the details of everything that went wrong so will keep it brief.

Things got so bad that my mother-in-law left. She wouldn’t have left if he hadn’t insulted her. Honestly, I’ve never met any man who can unleash harsh words on a person, like my husband. I thought insult was a woman’s thing, but he proved me wrong. He insulted anyone who tried to correct his behavior. When I realized things were getting worse, I proposed that we go for couple’s counseling, and he agreed. After a few sessions, he said “You have connived with the counselors to make things look like I am the problem. It was your plan all along to disgrace me. You will not succeed.”

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That’s how we stopped attending counseling. My resolve now is to detach when the insults begin so that I am not affected by the hurtful things he says. We could have sex at night, and by morning, he’d find a reason to insult me. And the way he says them, you wouldn’t know by hearing him that I am his wife. Sometimes I think about the things he says, and ask myself “Where did I go wrong? Staying with him when I was advised to walk away from him? Is that my sin?”

I have tried to stay strong and endure the insults but now my kids are growing up, and he doesn’t care. He insults me in their presence.  Everyone we know has talked to him but he has not changed, and I don’t think he will. My parents have stopped coming to our house because he disrespected them, and he refused to apologize. Sometimes when he goes overboard like this, I decide not to talk to him. That’s when he comes to give a shabby apology. So we can pretend everything is well. His behavior is really influencing the children. My first child, for instance, is picking on his father’s traits and he is exhibiting them. All I am able to do now is talk to him, and pray with him.

My love for my husband is finished. I don’t even like him anymore. I have tried to be the bigger person and forgive his shortcomings, but the love is just gone. I would have left him if my finances weren’t tied in some projects we are doing. I don’t have enough money to get by on my own if I leave him. On the other hand, I can’t stand him any longer. I can’t even bear his touch. I cry each day after intimacy. I am trying to stay for my kids but the feelings are just not there. Any time he insults me, my kids become so sad that sometimes I just wish I would run away with them.

I am tired of trying. My resolution this year is to try and save some money so I can run away with my kids. He is toxic for them and it shows in everything he does.

–Anabella

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