I was twenty years old when I passed out from military school three years ago. Shortly after that, we were posted to our units. That was where I met Julius. He was twenty-six and also a soldier like me. One of the things that have been normalised among men in my profession is drinking alcohol and womanizing. It’s seen as a form of stress relief. That’s why when you meet a man in uniform who doesn’t indulge in any of these, it’s like finding a unicorn in a magical dream.
I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I admired him from afar. When he finally got close to me and asked me to be his girlfriend, I was hesitant. I wasn’t sure I was ready for a relationship. Nonetheless, I liked him so I agreed to give him a chance.
A lot has happened in the three years we’ve been together. I hadn’t been intimate with any man until I met him. He was the one who broke me. It didn’t take long after that before I got pregnant. We wanted to keep the baby but it’s against the rules to get pregnant less than three years on the job. As painful as it was, I had to do the difficult thing and terminate the pregnancy because I didn’t want to lose my job. He was by my side throughout the process, consoling me and assuring me of his unwavering love. It meant so much to me that I didn’t have to go through that difficult and dark time alone.
Along the line, my parents came to visit and I introduced Julius to them as a friend. I suppose I didn’t have the courage to tell my daddy that I had a boyfriend. Unfortunately, he found some condoms among my stuff. He asked me, “Who have you been using these things with?” I could have thought of a well-crafted lie if I had the chance but I am not one to think fast on my feet, let alone lie. My only option was to come clean and admit that I was using the latex with my friend, Julius.
The truth didn’t go down well with my dad. He was furious. He didn’t go easy on me at all. He insulted me to my face, and even after they left, he called me every day to insult me and Julius. I didn’t need anyone to tell me that they didn’t like him. When the insults ceased, I explained to my dad that Julius was not a mere friend. “He is my boyfriend and I love him,” I explained. Well, they accepted him after that. “If that’s who you want then so be it,” they said.
A while into the relationship, he decided that it was time he introduced me to his family as well. Who was I to say no? In my mind, I would only meet them and greet them. But what I met there was something else. His mother and sister did not hide their dislike for me. They asked what I do for a living. When I told them, his sister asked, “How will two soldiers take care of their children?” I was hurt and confused by that rhetorical question.
I couldn’t help but think that even unemployed people who get married are able to take care of their children. There was also my knowledge that Julius’ sister and her husband are both teachers. If the two of them can raise a family, then why can’t we? As for his mum, she said I attend a different church from their family’s. She added that if I marry her son and we have kids, the children will follow me to my church. “I want my grandchildren to follow the family’s faith,” she concluded.
As if the encounter was not uncomfortable enough, his mother asked me, “How old are you? And how many children do your parents have?” I mentioned my age and added that I was the eldest of six children. This woman responded, “Eii Julius, then you will suffer.” I didn’t know what she meant by that. What has the number of siblings I have to do with her son’s suffering? Is he going to carry me and my siblings on his back, or will we force him to fetch water for us?
The whole meeting his family thing was one bizarre experience. When I recounted everything that happened to my parents, they got angry and asked me to leave him. “If his family doesn’t like you then don’t force it,” they advised. I tried to heed their advice but Julius wouldn’t let go. He said he would work on his parents so I should give him time.
Although I agreed to stay with him, I didn’t want to put all my eggs into one basket just in case it backfired. So I started paying attention to other guys. I didn’t accept anyone’s proposal. I only flirted with a few. It was all fun and games until he went through my phone one day and found those flirtatious chats. I apologized and promised not to do it again. He was kind enough to forgive me.
The problem is, since that time he has become insecure. Already, he is the clingy type. He doesn’t like to give me space. It didn’t help matters when I was deployed to another town for a course. Due to stress, I was often too tired to spend time talking on the phone with him. This caused a lot of fights. He said someone else was giving me attention. As much as I tried to explain the situation to him, he was hell-bent on his accusations. I was so tired of defending myself all the time.
Later he joined me to pursue a course of his own. That didn’t help matters either. The moment he sees me standing close to another guy, he would flare up. What I don’t understand is he knows very well that we are in a male-dominated workspace. Two out of ten military professionals are women. The remaining eight are usually men. I am dating him because I thought as a soldier too, he would understand the ethics of the job better than a civilian, but sometimes I feel like I made the wrong choice.
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He is so possessive that he doesn’t like seeing me with friends. So in the barracks, I don’t even have female friends. There was a time I was in class studying with some colleagues. In the middle of the study, he called to ask for my assistance on some assignments. I asked him to bring it over. When he got there, he called me to meet him outside.
He looked angry when I got to him. I remember laughing while asking him what had him all riled up. I held him to try and calm him down but he wouldn’t let me. All he said was, “Is that him?” I followed the direction his finger pointed at only to find one of the guys I was studying with. I laughed and asked if that was what caused his anger. He didn’t respond so I touched him. “Come and let me introduce you.” I didn’t finish that sentence before he pushed me. No, push is putting it lightly. He shoved me so hard I almost fell. Then he left.
She Took My ATM And Stole Money From My Account
I was so surprised. He had never gotten physical with me until that moment. When he called me later, I broke up with him. It was then he apologized stating that when he got there, the guy was resting his arm behind my chair so it made him angry. He said he thought I was making fun of him when I laughed while he expressed his anger.
I was so hurt I reported the issue to my mother, who in turn told my father. This is the first time I am reporting Julius to them. My dad, as expected, is angry. He has asked me to end the relationship and focus on my career and education. “I know this guy wants to marry you but the red flags are too many. You are only twenty-three. You still have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone else.” I want to listen to my dad but Julius has been begging me not to leave him. Now I am confused. I know I’m not perfect. I also played some part in these fights but does that mean I have to stay with him after everything I have seen so far?
— Carrie
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#SB
My sister, what else do you want to see? His family doesn’t like you, he’s possessive and he laid his hands on you. RUN!
“Had I known always comes last”- is usually an apt way to describe most people s predicaments but not in your case. You are blessed to be seeing clearly whilst no marital covenant or children are there to make it hard to walk away. You need a secure man who will trust you enough to let you grow and become the best Version of you you can be not one who can’t trust you to work with colleagues. Rest assured, the moment he marries you he is going to demand you quit your job. You are the writer of your own story- choose wisely so you are not full of regrets later in life.
Carrie, take my email ([email protected]) and let’s be friends.
Julius is really into you but looking at the flags, the red colour is very dominated here. Please, stay away from him.
Psychological abuse is the beginning of abuse. He’ll start by being possessive then slowly drive your friends away then verbal abuse begins then it turns physical with I do it because I love you the fact that he shoved you is in itself a huge red flag. Your dad is right… you will find yourself in a very toxic relationship that by the time you leave you will look and feel twice your age
You remain there and die wai. Even you’re dead your patents will bury you. Possessiveness is the core ingredient to relationship abuse. Your father knows more. Run sister, run!
Carrie, walk away. Because he was the one who took your innocence away, you have this emotional attachment. But your sink cost now pales in comparison to the red flags Julius is displaying. If he puts a ring on that finger, you go receive slaps and beating if he finds you with another man talking in a village market in full session. Muster all the courage and break up with him. His mother and sisters were not civil and kind with you as a stranger. At 23, many men will be falling at your feet in a year and you can make a good pick from them.
To be honest, your dad is right, at this age you should be focused on your school and your career. Don’t get married to Julius, you’ll regret it, you’ll not have peace with him, and if he hurts you, or insults you, you can’t even report him to his family members because they don’t even like you. You’re young, there’s going to be so many guys to choose from, break up with Julius for your own safety.