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My first heartbreak was disastrous. I thought I was going to die of heartache. I cried and cried until my mom walked to my room and asked, “What’s making you cry, have you lost your job?” I shook my head. “Have you been beaten by someone?” I shook my head. “Ah, so what is wrong with you? Has someone insulted you?” I shook my head again. She held my hand and lifted me from the bed; “Sit up and talk to me. What’s wrong with you?” I was hesitant but I couldn’t lie to her so I told her the truth, “Philip has left me and I didn’t do anything wrong.”
She found it hilarious. She laughed out loud. “Oh, so you were lying to me when you said that boy was just a friend? Don’t embarrass yourself. You’re too beautiful to cry over a boy. I didn’t even like him. Pick yourself up and learn from this. You’re always single until you’re married. Don’t give your all to a boy for him to treat you this way.”
“You are always single until you are married.” That was the takeaway for me and that was the point I started talking to my mom about my relationships.
My mom has an unconventional approach to relationship issues. She might have learned that out of her many failed relationships. I have three siblings and we all have different fathers. She didn’t marry my senior brother’s father because she claims the man traveled abroad and never contacted her again. She found my father when my senior brother was seven years. They got married in a very small traditional way. A year later, I was born and a year afterward, she and my father divorced.
She said, “Your father took me for a fool. Just when you were born, he started coming home with another woman. Not too long afterward, he told me he was going to marry that lady as a second wife. He couldn’t afford to take proper care of me so I didn’t understand why he should have another wife. I divorced him when he insisted on having a second wife.”
When she found my little brother’s father some years afterward, she thought he was the one—the one she was going to settle down with forever. She gave birth to my junior brother and the man started “misbehaving” so she left. She was always the one leaving. “Me, I won’t wait for a man to misbehave and later leave me ooo. Never.”
That’s my mom for you.
When I accepted Osei’s proposal and was very sure about him, I brought him home to introduce him to my mom. My mom was full of praise for him and started calling him in-law immediately. She said, “Don’t be shy to come home whenever you feel like visiting. Once you love my daughter, you have a home with us. You give me your number, we’ll talk sometime.”
She took his number, called it with her phone and asked him to save her number too. When we were alone Osei said, “Your mother is very receptive, I like her already.” I was happy that he was happy with my mom.
A week later, he told me my mom called him. I asked, “What did she say?” He responded, “Oh nothing really. She said she was checking up on me to see if I was doing well.” “Well, it seems that woman likes you. If you leave me, you won’t break only my heart. You’ll break hers too so you better be a good boy.” Everything was fine with us. He came to my place whenever he felt like and I did the same. I met his parents too and they also liked me. In my mind, we were heading the right direction.
It wasn’t so long when things started changing. I realized he was sulking about something. Whenever I asked him, he brushed it aside. He wasn’t coming to visit as he used to. He always had an excuse for not coming over to my place. I started getting worried. I looked backward to everything that had happened and couldn’t find anything I did or said to make him sulk. “Well, relationships are like that. It has a lot of phases and they change quickly. It’s just a phase but I hope it goes away very soon.”
He called one afternoon with worries in his voice. “Tell your mom to tone it down. I’m not a bank.” I was like, “What did you say? What do you mean?” He said, “The day she took my number, the next day she called me asking for money. I sent it to her. Since then, there hasn’t been a week past that she hadn’t called asking for money.” I screamed, “So why are you telling me now. I realized something was off but you were not telling me anything.” When I dropped the line, I walked straight home to confront her.
“Mom, why would you call Osei and ask him for money? Don’t I give you money every week?”
“He told you that? Such an embarrassment. I thought he was a man enough.”
“This has gotten nothing to do with being a man. You’re not supposed to collect money from him. He owes you nothing. Please let this be your last time.”
The next day, she called Osei to insult him for telling me the truth.
I can tell you for a fact that nothing remained the same between me and Osei from that day on and I could understand him. He realized my mother didn’t like him and that caused a lot of friction between us. Soon he was gone out of my life. I swore never to introduce anyone to my mother again.
A year or so later, I met a guy on Facebook and we became good friends. He was in Australia. We talked on the phone every day and created a very good bond. He proposed to me but I didn’t say yes. I wanted him to come to Ghana, know him very well before I could go any further with him. He was planning to come to Ghana in some months or so. I kept the hopes that I might like him and build something with him.
One night, we stayed on the phone for so long that my phone went off. I tried to charge but the light was off so I went for my mother’s phone and continued talking with him. My stupid brains, I should have deleted the number after talking with him. I didn’t.
Two days later he called me, “Your mother called me this morning. Wow, she’s a very nice person. She said you spoke highly of me to her and couldn’t wait to meet me.” I buried my face in my right palm. I responded, “Oh yeah, that woman is a very interesting woman but don’t entertain her that much, she talks too much. You know menopause.” He shot back, “Oh I don’t mind at all. My mom talks longer than her so no problem at all.”
I went to my mom, “Maa, my friend said you called him. Why would you do that? Do you even know who he is? And you had the money to buy credit to call someone in Australia? Please, this should be the last time. Don’t call him again.” She said, “Are you the one to determine who I should call and who I should not?”
That evening when she was in the bathroom, I sneaked into her room, picked her phone, and deleted the number. Flawless and sweet victory. I smiled to myself and walked triumphantly back into my own room.
The next day, he called me. He said, “Your mom is very funny. She was telling me about your childhood days today and I couldn’t help but laugh throughout.”
“Ahh, she called you again?”
“Oh yeah, she did. She’s such a good talker.”
“Tell me, what else did she talk about?”
“Oh nothing, just the usual talks.”
I rushed to her again, “Mom, I hate what you are doing. Why do you want to destroy things for me? This person you call every day, I don’t even know him. I’ve not met him yet. He’s not even my boyfriend so why are you all over him?” She said, “You’re being selfish. You’re my daughter but you always want to eat and leave me behind.”
This is a woman I give money to every week. My other siblings don’t care about her. She lives in my apartment. She doesn’t work. You set her up today, she’ll mess the money up. A few days later, she’ll be out of business. I try. I do my best for her and yet thinks she has the right to take from whoever I’m dating.
Fast forward, the guy came to Ghana. She requested a lot of things from him and the guy brought them. We spent only a month together and I realized he wasn’t a guy I could love. I didn’t like his education level. He seemed content with the menial jobs he was doing in Australia. He looked settled on what he already had and I wasn’t for that. I need progress and vision from the man I want to settle down with and this guy had none. He asked again about his proposal and I said no. I told him there was another person in my life who wasn’t going. I gave him a lot of excuses just to let him off my life.
He said, “I don’t mind, I can wait.”
To me, he was dead news. We didn’t have any relationship. The guy somehow thinks he can rely on my mother to get me to say yes. He keeps sending my mom what she asks for. I’ve told him on several occasions to stop talking to my mom and also stop giving her what she asks for but he doesn’t mind me.
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I found a man. I think he’s the one. My heart and everything in me says so but my mother doesn’t want to hear about any other person if I’m not ready to settle down with the guy in Australia. I asked her, “Is it my happiness you want or you want your own happiness through me?” She said, “I know that guy, he’ll make you a happy wife. What would you need that he wouldn’t give you?” I told her, “Fortunately for me, I have a good job and I can already work for the things he can give me. I need other things to make me happy. He doesn’t have that.”
“You either marry him or no one else.” She said.
I’m not going to argue with her on that issue any longer. When my rent is due, I won’t renew. I’ll get her a new place and get myself a new place too. I swear, she would never know where I live. I would marry with or without her but I would give her no chance to destroy any other relationship of mine. If she’s happy with the guy in Australia, she can have him while I move on looking for what makes me happy and satisfies my soul.
—Fafa, Ghana
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