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The very day we got married, my father said to me, “Marriage is forever. Look at me and your mom, we’ve been married for thirty-seven years. We are not still together because I’m a pastor and she’s the pastor’s wife. We’ve been together for this long because we learned to forgive. If you want to enjoy your marriage, learn to forgive” He then prayed for me and my husband before we left for our own home.

Marriage is about forgiveness.

I went into marriage knowing there was no turning back. It was a good mindset. I erred many times and he forgave me. He didn’t need to ask for forgiveness I forgave him even before he committed a mistake. Our marriage was built on solid rock, I believed. It was built on Christ and Christ was the head of our family.

Apart from knowing how to forgive, I also learned to speak to no one about my marriage. Whether good or bad, it was all I ever had and I was content. Like my father said, “When you don’t know what to do, seek the face of God. When you are confused and looking for answers, he’s the answer.” I made no mention of my marital issues to any friend though they found it easier to tell me the struggles they were facing.

Maybe my marriage was perfect in their eyes. I was always in a good spirit. When others were telling me about their failures in marriage, all I had were good stories.

He was a good man, I won’t lie to you.

In the house, he did everything to ensure I was happy. When it came to house chores, he had only one rule; “If you can do it, then I can do it too.” So there was nothing like her work and his work. He cooked when he had to. He did the laundry when he had to. When we had our first child, none of our parents came to live with us. It was only the two of us trying to figure out things.

We had our second child two years after the first. It was a little bit easier because we had been there before. Again, we put energy and skills together to ensure the smooth running of our households. Life was easier. Marriage was good. Praise the Lord.

One afternoon after church, an elderly woman walked up to me. I knew her. She wasn’t anything of note in the church but it was hard not to know her. She said, “Young woman, look at that woman standing there with your husband, watch them very well. You’ll understand what I’m saying.” I smiled. She said, “Don’t play with what I’m telling you.”

When we went home that day, I told my husband what the woman had said. He laughed hysterically and said, “How can an old woman like her be this gossip?” He even threatened to confront her but I asked him not to because of her age. Life went on. We were happy shepherding our two children.

Not too long afterward, another friend also said to me, “Abena, I don’t mean to come into your marriage. I know you trust your husband but you can’t trust that lady. I know what she’s capable of. Don’t allow them to be in a space together.” This is a friend I’ve known for so many years but the day she told me that, I cut her off. I didn’t have time for people who tried to poke nose into my marriage.

One day in a normal conversation with my husband, he referred to me as Abi. I’m Abena. Abena sounds closer to Abi but this is my husband we are talking about here. I couldn’t be Abi in his eyes and come to think of it, he called me dear so why Abi all of a sudden? It didn’t stop. He said it was a mistake. He apologized but guess what…

That girl the old woman and my friend warned me about was called Abi. Abi…short for Abigail. I started reading between the lines but the tiny voice in my head kept telling me, “Don’t allow the devil in your marriage. It’s just a mistake. Let it go.” As usual, I prayed about it. I let it go. My husband can’t chase after a girl we are in the same church with, right? That’s unlikely.

But I started seeing changes in my husband. He changed his phone’s unlock pattern and refused to show me the new one. Not that I requested but when I had the phone in my hand and it got locked, the husband I knew would have shown me the unlock pattern. Not this time. He took the phone, drew some crazy lines and handed it over to me. He stood there monitoring my every scroll just to ensure I didn’t bypass.

Then the old woman’s voice hit me: “Young woman, look at that woman standing there with your husband. Watch them very well. You’ll understand what I’m saying.”

But how do I start watching them very well? Where do I start? I’m a prayerful wife and not a snooping wife.

Through it all, my kids were the most important thing to me. As fate would have it, the evidence kept unfolding in my own very eyes. After calling me Abi on several occasions, I found condoms in his trousers. He said, “Condoms are three pieces in a box so obviously I haven’t used any of them. It was given to us during an AIDS program at work.” He started coming home late with flimsy excuses and suddenly developed the habit of chatting on his phone even when the two of us were in bed with the light off.

A pastor’s daughter, what could I do about this? I prayed about it; “God, reveal what is happening to me.”

I made it a point to study the pattern he used to unlock his phone. After a whole week of trying to study it, I finally got it. It was a Saturday night. He had returned from town, eaten, bathed and snoring away. That was when I started snooping. Went through his chat history and didn’t see any Abi or Abigail name. Surprisingly, the name of the chat on top was “Wifee” but I hadn’t sent my husband a WhatsApp message for so long so why was my name on top of the chat?

I taped and it opened.

God! Every sentence broke my heart. It was as though I didn’t know the man I was living with. They spoke about sex. The ones they had done and were about to do. A lot of naked photos had been exchanged. Ones that were captioned, “I wish you were here.” And the ones captioned, “Wet and ready for you.”

I forwarded these images to my phone and sent screenshots of some of the messages to my phone.

I stayed up all night thinking about how a perfect husband like mine could do such a thing. I cried my heart out. I left the bedroom, went to the hall, and slept on the couch. I cried like a baby. I asked God why. At dawn, he walked to the hall, switch on the light, and when he saw me sleeping on the couch, he turned off the light and left. I said in my head, “This is not my husband. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t ask why. He just left as though sleeping on the couch was a normal thing for me.

On Sunday, morning, we dressed up and went to church. I tried all I could to look fine but if he was clever, he would have known all was not well. After church that day, I went to look for that my friend and apologized to her. She said, “Sorry about what I said about your husband. I didn’t mean it the wrong way.” I only smiled and told her not to worry. I looked for the old woman and had a chat with her.

I asked her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said lately and I want to know why you said that.” She asked me, “Have you caught him cheating?” I answered no. She said, “Liar! you look worried.” She advised me to continue praying about it but should also take action.

Sunday After church…

“What is Abigail to you?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Just tell me the truth, who is Abi to you?”

“Are you listening to gossips now?”

I sent one of the images to his Whatsapp…

“She was naked. Why would she send you her naked photos?”

He was shocked. His face moved from stern to guilt in a flash of a second. He started stuttering…

“Whe…whe…where did you get this photo?”

“You want me to send you more? I would.

“So you’ve been going through my phone? Why would you go through my phone?”

“Let’s talk about Abigail…”

He broke down and started crying. He started begging me and as usual, pushed everything to the devil. He didn’t even try to offer an explanation. Watching him cry was like the therapy I needed but I wasn’t a fool. I told him, “Get ready, we are getting a divorce.” He cried and begged and cried and begged. When he realized I wasn’t paying him any attention, he brought the kids in, “These kids need a father. If nothing at all, consider these kids, and let’s try again.”

For the next several days, all I did was cry and cry. I didn’t know what next to do. I could forgive him but would I be happy to stay in a marriage with him? No…I wouldn’t. I did nothing wrong to him yet he decided to cheat on me on this grand scale. Was it only Abigail or there were others I didn’t know?

Questions! Questions!!

I ran to my father. I told him, “I’m coming to you as a father and not a pastor. Tell me, how far and wide should we forgive those who cheat on us.” He was rattled by my question. After showing him all the messages and images, he said, “There’s no depth to forgiveness but it should always come from a willing heart. Can you forgive and not hold it against him?”

So they suggested we live apart and think deeply about the whole situation before we make a permanent decision. We’ve been apart for three months. Three more to go but my mind isn’t stable. I’m tempted to do it for the kids. That’s the only reason. For the kids but what about me? Would I be happy when my kids are happy? or It means letting my own happiness go for the sake of my kids?

Questions! Questions!

But I know one thing for sure. I deserve to be happy. I owe myself that much. If the forgiveness wouldn’t come from a willing heart, I would seek a divorce and walk away in freedom and with my head held up high. I have three months more to decide. I’ll pray for healing and pray for a better future, with or without him.

—Abena 

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