The last guy I was close to dating vanished mysteriously. When I say vanished mysteriously, I mean he vanished. disappeared. We were so close the air found it hard to blow between us but for some strange reasons, he never proposed to me. He would call me, “Jane, look at the weather. Don’t you think it’s a good day to hang out at the beach?” I will follow him to the beach because when it came to him, every day was a good day to be wherever he wanted us to be. I started dreaming of the day he was going to propose. The words I was going to say, how I was going to say them. The dress I will wear, the place I would love to be proposed to. All those details. But one night, we had a very long conversation that didn’t amount to anything. Sadly, it was the conversation that became our last.

I called the next day and he didn’t pick up. Three days later, I was worried so I went to his house to look for him. He was living with his mother and a brother. A mother he told me was so strict that at his age—twenty-five, she didn’t want him to have a girlfriend. He said, “If you come to my house looking for me, my mother would make life uncomfortable for you. She would ask you questions until she empties all the answers you were born with. “Who is your mother?” “Why are you looking for my son at this hot afternoon?” “Let me tell you, if you allow my son to impregnate you, you can’t hold us responsible. He’s only a boy. He has dreams of becoming a journalist. Allow him.” 

So when I was going to look for him that day in his house where his mother was, I anticipated a lot of questions. I got there, met his mom, asked about him and the mother simply said, “You’re looking for Jude? Are you his friend?” I nodded my head respectfully.” She said, “And he didn’t tell you that he was traveling? Jude traveled a couple of days ago. His uncle, my senior brother in America came for him. He’s gone. Maybe you are not his close friend. He would have told you.” “Jude traveled abroad?” The answer the woman gave me sounded like, “Was I singing hymns the first time I told you he has traveled? Yes, he has.”

I left his house heartbroken thinking of all the reasons Jude would travel without telling me, a woman he’s supposed to be in love with. I consoled myself, “Maybe he meant it as a surprise. One day he would call and tell me where he is and why he went without telling me and later propose to me. I would have a boyfriend who lives abroad. One day when the tides are good, he would come down and marry me so the two of us can live our ever after wherever he would want us to be.”

Two years later, there was no call or sign of him. I checked his Facebook often. There was no sign of him. Four years later, there was still no sign of him. I gave up the thought of him and moved on with my life. Then it occurred to me, “Jude traveled four years ago and all these years I haven’t caught the eyes of any man? How is that possible? Is it that no one is looking at me or I’m so lost in Jude that I haven’t been looking at anyone?” I place myself back in the market, looking for another man to fall in love with. Another man who would be a friend like Jude but will go ahead and propose to me when he realizes that I’d fallen for him. I was twenty-three years old when Jude traveled. At twenty-nine, I still didn’t have a boyfriend. Not that men have come and I’d said no to them. Nothing at all. The men in my church didn’t look at me. I’m not a girl who will say yes to her colleague at work but guess what, I started looking at my shoulders, trying to see who among the men was eyeing me. No one was. And that was sad.

Or there’s something wrong with me? 

I started asking the men at my workplace questions. That what would stop a man from calling a woman like me or think of dating a woman like me? “Do I come across as snobbish? Someone who will disrespect a man just because the man called her?” Those silly questions because I wanted to really know if everything was alright. They all gave me a good review. They asked, “Why do you ask? Someone accused you of being snobbish?”

A week before my 30th birthday, I was on the roadside waiting for a taxi when a red salon car stopped next to me. The man in the car rolled his glass down and said, “If you’re going my way, I don’t mind giving you a lift.” I was sitting next to him in his car when he started asking me questions. Questions that sounded like he wanted to know me because he was interested in me. I answered. Where he wanted more details, I added. I got to my destination and he took my number. He said, “I will give you a call.” I responded, “I will be expecting your call.” I got down from his car and started wondering, “Have I acted too cheap because…because I think I need a man to ask me out?”

He didn’t call when I expected him to call but when he finally did, the call came on my birthday. I didn’t even know his name until he said it. Fiifi. I said, “Fii, today is my birthday. Just tell me happy birthday.” He responded, “Oh really? It looks like I called at the right time then. He sang a happy birthday song for me and I thought it was funny. He said, “If you don’t have any plans for tonight, I will be happy to make one for you.” 

In the evening, he picked me up right at the spot he first found me. I didn’t know where he was taking me but he said, “It’s a surprise.” We got there and I was indeed surprised. The place was cozy. The food was good. The cocktail tasted like a birthday song. I started asking myself, “What don’t I like about this man? I mean he’s a stranger but see the care he put into organizing this for me on my birthday?” A week later, I said yes and I became his girlfriend.

We were spending a lot of time together, meeting his friends and meeting his closest family. The weekend had a new meaning because of him. There was always a place we had to go on the weekend. There was always something fun we had to do. One afternoon I was in his house watching TV when I had a call. I didn’t want to disturb him with the call because his head was on my lap, napping. We had been together for only three weeks and seemed so much in love. The call came again and I ignored it. Minutes later, it came again. This time I picked it. The voice said, “Guess who is speaking.” I said, “Jude!” He responded, “You never forget, do you?” I repeated his name, this time louder than the first, “Jude?” He said, “Yeah it’s me. I’m in town and wondering if I can see you today.” I said again, “Jude?” This time Fii asked me, ”Is something wrong? What’s wrong with Jude”

I didn’t say another word. I hung up the call and turned off my phone.

Fii kept asking what happened to Jude so I told him about Jude. Not the details but something for him to know that Jude was a friend who traveled abroad seven years ago and had returned. He put his head back on my lap and continued napping. I was there with him but my heart and soul were out there with Jude, asking him why he did what he did. I was slapping him in the face for disappearing just like that. I was telling him what I went through when he left, the emotional pain and all. Then I asked him, “Why would you call me when you know I just fell in love with someone else?” I wanted to leave but a head was on my lap so I couldn’t leave that quickly.

In the evening when I said goodbye to Fii, I turned on my phone and called Jude, “Hey, where are you? I’m available now. Can we meet?” In the next one hour, we were seated next to each other in a place where passers-by kept interrupting our conversation. The question on my lip was answered. He said, “It was intentional. I loved you too and wanted to propose to you each day but I knew what was coming. I knew I would be traveling and didn’t want to keep you waiting while I’m gone. You know life and the stress in distance relationships. I didn’t want to go through that with you. It was the reason I vanished. But now I’m here. If you’re still single, let’s do this. I will propose to you and you’ll say yes. I swear a year by now we would be married.” 

I answered, “Oh Jude, you make life so hard. You don’t know what you just did. You didn’t get up one day, pick up your bag and decide to come to Ghana. You might have planned this some months ago. Why didn’t you call then? If you did, we wouldn’t have been here. I entered into a relationship just a couple of weeks ago. How do I say yes to you when there’s someone else in my life? How can I possibly do that? I’ve been single all these years since you’ve been gone. It looked like no one wanted me. Not a single proposal until this man came along. Tell me, how do I do it?” He said, “Try. Tell him something. Just tell him you’ve withdrawn your acceptance based on one or two reasons. Say something.”

Fii was a perfect gentleman. I felt he deserved better than me just telling him that I’d withdrawn my acceptance so I told Jude, “No I can’t do that. I can’t do that to a man who restored my confidence to where it used to be. I won’t do that.”

I wasn’t ready to break up with Fii but each time I was with him, all I thought about was Jude. I got so confused one day I broke down in the office. I cried like a baby. My colleagues thought someone had died or I had a broken heart the night before. The whole situation affected my work and output. I was in a very bad place. I kept looking out for Jude. One night I kissed him. One night, I allowed him to have his way with me. After, he asked me, “So who are we now?” I answered, “We are nothing. Let’s keep it like that but bear in mind that this won’t happen again. It’s a mistake I won’t allow happen again. But it happened again a few days later. So I started avoiding Jude. I blocked his line and blocked his Whatsapp. One day I said, “Wow, it’s been a long time I heard from Jude. By now he had forgotten about me so let me unblock him.” It was only a day since I blocked him. I was suffering. I couldn’t even enjoy what I was having with Fii.

It’s the truth that sets people free, right? So one day I told Fii, “I’ve cheated on you. I slept with Jude. Not once. I don’t know why I’m telling you this but I thought you deserve to know the truth.” He broke down in rage. He threw things around. He spoke harshly to me. He called me stupid. He called me immature. He didn’t call me a whore. But there was one phrase I was waiting for; “It’s over between us.” He didn’t say it. He snatched my phone and asked, “What’s the password?” I told him. He was scrolling through my phone. He gave it back to me. He said, “I’ve blocked that guy. You’ll never talk to him again and you’ll never see him again.” 

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Fii became very possessive and it was understandable. He would call me every minute and ask what I’d been doing. He will come to my place unannounced, take my phone, go through it and see If I’d contacted Jude. He will sleep next to me and be sweet. “I’m doing all this because I love,” He will say. I will say it in my head, “It’s all your fault, Jude. We are now suffering because of your stupidity.”

When It became too much, I went home to my mother. I spent the weekend with her. She saw my worries and asked why I’d been pensive since I arrived. I had no option but to spill everything out to her. She said, “You’re over thirty years. This is not the time to play hide and seek with your life. You know the two men very well. If they both love you as you claim, then you won’t lose no matter who you choose. Choose one. Choose the one your heart is at home with and just for the love you have for the other one, set him free too so he can also live his life without you. A woman takes bold decisions so do it and be free.”

I went to Fii and told him I can’t continue with the relationship again. I told him, “You’ve become a different man since I told you about the cheating. You’re right to be that way. I caused it but the question is, when would you stop? At what point would you not suspect me? That’s hard. It’s better we leave it here than continue as if everything is normal.” He asked, “You went to him again, right? I said, “No, I haven’t spoken to him since you blocked him. I’m only being truthful to you.” He fought back but I was determined. Being a woman means taking bold decisions. It shouldn’t end there. A woman has to stand by his decision so I stood by it and watched him walk away. 

I didn’t unblock Jude too. I needed time to cool off. 

A week or so later, I heard a knock on my door. It was Jude. He asked me, “You blocked me?” I answered, Yes, I did. I don’t like any problem.” He took my phone from me and asked, “What’s your password?” I gave it to him. 

“How have you saved my number?”

“Jude.”

“I’ve unblocked me. I’ve done nothing to deserve that.”

A year later, we got married. Two kids and four years later, there had not been a single day that I regret choosing him. He makes life easier. He makes it easier to love and obey him. I took a risk on love and it paid off. It’s the reason I’m happy today and that’s all I care about. 

—Jane

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