When you know someone for as long as you’ve known my husband, you are sure to know what makes them tick. You would know it when they’re hoarding secrets in their palms. You would even notice it when the pace of their breathing changes. After fourteen years together, if I didn’t know the little things that made him the man I married, do I really love him? That’s why I could always tell when he was up to something fishy. A slight change in the air surrounding his demeanour would have me concerned.

The first time I noticed a change in him was when we had been together for four years. We were not married by then. The change wasn’t drastic so I could have missed it if I wasn’t attentive enough. He was still the loving and caring boyfriend I had always known, but I could sense there was something different about him. I couldn’t place a finger on it. I didn’t also see anything suspicious to point me in the right direction so I didn’t say anything until something popped up one day.

He had called me sounding distressed. That’s one of the things that made me fall in love with him. William is an open book. He is not someone who goes out of his way to hide his emotions or things in general. He was almost in tears when I asked him what was wrong. “I have been transferred from Accra to work in another region.” They didn’t even give him enough time to prepare for the transfer. They wanted him to move to his new place of work as soon as possible.

He was wrecked about leaving his life here and moving to a new town. I comforted him as best as I could and promised to go see him the next day. The next day when I got there, I found two used condoms in his room. I was not even looking for it. I had just gone there to offer my man some comfort. When I asked him about it he didn’t lie. He admitted that he had a girl over the previous night and they ended up doing it.

My heart was utterly shattered. You should see him. He doesn’t look like the kind of man who would look at another woman, let alone cheat. And the way he treats me, I was sure I was his world. That’s why it hurt so badly. The trust I had for him was broken.

One thing I cannot stand is to share my man with another woman. So I broke up with him there and then. He was a mess, and so was I. “Forgive me,” he begged, “If you give me one more chance I won’t do anything like this again.” I thought about it apology but I thought more about his betrayal. Then I shook my head and said, “No, I can’t forgive this.”

He involved both our families. They all told me, “Sometimes these things happen. He didn’t do well but his transfer has badly affected him. If you leave him now, he will be miserable. Find it in your heart to forgive him.” It took months before I finally let go of the hurt and got back together with him.

Before I agreed to give him another chance, I asked him to give me the other lady’s number and he did. I called her and introduced myself as William’s woman. As soon as she heard my name she said, “Oh it’s so good to finally talk to you. I have heard so much about you. Your boyfriend and I are very good friends.” I was surprised she even knew about me in the first place. She told me so many things she had heard about me, even the place I worked. So I asked her, “If you knew all this then why did you sleep with him?” All of a sudden her tone changed. She got aggressive and denied everything. At the end of the conversation, she promised to keep her distance from him.

Truly, I didn’t see any sign of her in his life after that. In our sixth year together, we got married and started our lives together officially. William continued to be the amazing man I married until after I had our firstborn. All of a sudden, I sensed a change in him. It was very subtle but I knew him too well not to notice. One night I went through his phone and stumbled upon his WhatsApp chat with this same lady from our past. They were exchanging flirtatious messages. She was the one who initiated the conversation. She asked if he hadn’t missed her after all these years. Then she followed up with a photo of her naked breasts. Instead of my husband shutting the conversation down, he indulged her.

From the chat, I could tell that they had met and done things to each other. Things I didn’t expect him to do with another woman. I was shaking while the phone was still in my hand. At some point, I couldn’t see past the tears in my eyes. I confronted him about it, and he didn’t deny it. I told him, “I forgave you the last time but not this time. I am done.” I took our child to my aunt, and packed some stuff and went to live with a friend.

I didn’t breathe a word of his adulterous ways to my family. One thing I learned is that, if your partner hurts you and you tell your family, you may forgive them later but your family may not. So I reported him to his mother. She is a marriage counsellor. I also have a good relationship with her so it was easier to talk to her. She was just as disappointed as I was. She even took the other lady’s number and spoke to her. She asked the girl if there was anything binding her to my husband that after all these years, they wouldn’t let each other go. The girl said there was nothing. “Not even a child?” The lady said no. My mother-in-law advised her as she would a daughter. “No matter what you do, my son is married. So leave him and find your own man.” Although the lady agreed, I still wasn’t ready to return to the marriage.

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My husband had to go to my best friend’s father, a man I highly respect, and asked him to talk to me. That was when I agreed to give him one last chance.

Eight years of marriage and two kids later, I found out recently that my husband is still talking to this lady. I asked him, “What at all is it about this girl that you won’t let her go? You tell me you are done with her, only to turn around and go back to her.” Do you two have a child together? If that’s the case, it would make sense.” He couldn’t give me any answers. I feel so disrespected. I have noticed that the girl is not married. That’s another one of my concerns. A single woman can go about sleeping with anyone and then sleep with my husband. If she gives him an STD, I am the innocent woman who will end up catching it.

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He is a selfless man. Our kids are crazy about him because he is a great dad. He is loving and everything good you could find in a partner. My only problem with him is his long-term affair with this side chick of his. The first time I caught them was ten years ago yet she is still in the picture. I know some women would say, if this is his only flaw, I should turn a blind eye but I can’t share my man with anyone. So I am preparing to inform his mother that my people will return their drinks soon. I am not looking for her to counsel me to reconsider my decision to leave him. Because of my relationship with her, I wouldn’t want her to find out about the dissolution of our marriage from my family first.

In the meantime, I want to ask my fellow readers here, what would make a married man keep going back to the same side chick for ten years? That’s what I want to understand. He claims he doesn’t love her but she is a constant problem in our marriage. Why risk everything you don’t want to lose for someone you say you don’t want?

— Naa

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