Stan was the perfect boyfriend for me. He did everything possible for me to be happy. When he said he loved me, he proved it. It wasn’t mere words with him. Everything he felt was backed by actions. His love was too glaring for me to question it. The only problem was, I couldn’t feel the connection he so deeply felt.

I tried so hard but I just couldn’t love him in the same measure. If I am being honest, I didn’t love him at all. No matter how much time I spent talking to him, or how many times I focused on his good qualities, I couldn’t make my heart love him. It hurt me to hurt a good man like him but I knew it was better to set him free than to string him along in hopes of loving him someday. What if that someday never happened? How many years of his life would I have to waste before I decide to let go?

To avoid delaying the inevitable, I asked him to give me some space. I couldn’t break up with him directly because I didn’t have any cause to. After we went for a few months without talking, he must have understood that we were broken up and moved on.

A year later, I met Tony. Unlike my feelings for Stan, I fell in love with Tony like a car with faulty brakes speeding on a highway. I tried to keep my emotions in check but they were beyond my control. I had no choice but to go with the flow and hope I wouldn’t crash.

When he proposed marriage to me, I accepted it. He doesn’t live near me. I didn’t mind because long-distance relationships aren’t a deal breaker for me. I believe that once there is love between us, there is nothing we can’t pull through.

My problem is Tony’s behaviour. He says he loves me but sometimes his actions are the opposite of these declarations. He doesn’t mind when we go for days without talking. How can we be in a long-distance relationship and not communicate constantly? How then are we expected to keep the love going? Sometimes I wonder if he is indifferent about us because he knows how deeply I love him or if it’s the long-distance affecting things.

One moment he has the hots for me, but the next moment he is treating me coldly. It’s like he is there but he is not there. This inconsistency and disappearing act have me confused about the truth of his intentions most of the time.

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In my confusion, Stan is back in the picture. He is doing everything right as usual. All the things I wish Tony would do to prove his love for me, Stan is doing all of them effortlessly. It’s still obvious that I am the woman he wants but he still is not the man I want. He too says he wants to marry me.

Although I love Tony to the heavens and back, I know that I am not sure about how he feels about me. He knows the extent of my love but I can’t say the same for him. That’s why I have started considering Stan’s proposal. My only fear is that I may end up being a bad wife because I don’t love him as I should. It’s either that or I will make him happy while I embrace an unhappy life.

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That’s why I need to know if there are women here who married someone they were never in love with from the beginning. Did you fall in love with them along the line? How did this love grow? I want to know if there is hope for a happy marriage should I choose Stan over Tony.

He is a good man who is crazy about me but look at me. My feelings for him are as dry as a cactus. Is there a possibility that these feelings will change for good? I don’t want to make a mistake I will regret for the rest of my life.

— Adoley

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