When Mark proposed love to me, I didn’t accept it immediately. I had to take my time to be sure he was the one I truly wanted. While I was thinking about his proposal. He was coming around, doing everything possible to get my heart set on him. Sometimes he came bearing gifts. Other times he came with a friend or two. He would introduce me to them as his blood and tell them I was the woman he would like to marry. By and by, my heart started opening up to him. I was convinced that he was the man I wanted. So I was ready to give him a chance.

Just when I was ready to say yes to him, he visited me with another friend of his. He and this person seemed closer than the others. This friend of his is called Tom. Tom and I exchanged knowing looks while his friend was introducing us to each other. After Mark left with Tom, we spoke and I accepted his proposal.

Dating Mark means welcoming Tom back into my life again. I knew it was a dicey situation but I was sure I could manage my emotions. However, the first time Mark and I found ourselves alone in a closed space, the room was thick with sexual energy. You know what they say about old flames and how they easily catch fire. It was at that moment that I realized I made a mistake. The day Mark introduced Tom to me I should have said, “Oh I know Thomas already. He is my ex.” But tell me, how do you say something like this to a man you intend to date? That’s why Tom and I exchanged knowing looks without disclosing that we were from each other’s past.

We thought by keeping quiet about our past relationship, we were helping matters. What we didn’t know was that we were preparing breeding grounds for more secrets to thrive. When you keep one secret, you end up doing more secret things to cover it up. Ours was just one rekindled flame that caused the spark. When we found ourselves alone that day, we got carried away and ended up doing everything. As soon as it was done I found myself asking, “What have I done?”

Tom and I agreed that it was a mistake that shouldn’t repeat itself again. I felt so guilty that I considered leaving Mark. I felt I didn’t deserve him. However, he was too good a man to let go of so I stayed. I couldn’t have come clean either. I could lose him. They could lose their friendship, and I would be hurting him. So I decided it was best to keep my mouth shut.

The best apology, they say, is changed behaviour. That’s why I did my very best to stay away from Tom. But the more I told myself to stay away from him, the more I found myself leaning toward him. I would tell myself it was wrong to want him but his touch felt like home to my skin. When he kissed me, I kissed him back. When he held me, I let him. That is how my efforts to change turned into an ongoing affair.

Every time it happened I told myself, “This is the last time we are doing this. It will not happen again.” Sometimes he agreed with me. Even then, we both knew we would be right back hiding in the shadows and doing our things. Sometimes the secrecy made it all the more pleasurable. Other times I felt rotten on the inside for how badly we were both betraying Mark. Especially, when I knew that Mark and I were making preparations for marriage.

On the eve of our wedding, I managed to meet Tom so we could bring a close to our dirty deeds. That day we talked and made our own side vows never to get involved with each other again. After all the closure we got, our affair stretched into my marriage. No amount of, “this is wrong. We should stop,” did anything at all to stop us from secretly having affairs. Shamefully, for the seven and half years of my marriage, I have been sleeping with Tom at the least given opportunity. But one thing is for sure, all our three kids in the marriage belong to my husband.

I don’t know how long Tom and I thought we could keep our affair going. But the good news is that it won’t happen again. Mark caught us in the act. Yes, I have brought upon myself an embarrassing scandal that both my head and shoulders certainly cannot carry. In the last three weeks, I have attempted to bring an end to my life on at least five different occasions but failed.

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Although my secret deeds have been exposed to the light, that’s not the most difficult or frightening part of the situation for me. What is more frightening is that my husband is acting as if nothing has happened. Ever since he caught us three weeks ago, he didn’t give me any reaction. He has been living a normal life. We still sleep on the same bed. He eats when I cook. He provides for me as always. He hasn’t confronted me or withheld any of his roles as a husband from me. This is killing me slowly.

I keep wondering what he is planning. Is he going to serve me divorce papers one morning at breakfast? Am I going to return home one day and find that he is gone? I don’t even know how he truly feels about the issue. I want us to address it but I am too ashamed to start the conversation. What would I even say?

It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person

With this heavy burden on my heart, I have been trying to reach out to Tom for us to organize ourselves approach my husband and beg for forgiveness. To my utter shock, this man has been ignoring my calls. When I asked his girlfriend about him, she told me he packed his things and left town without a word to her. She said she hasn’t been able to reach him for a while now. So I am left to face my husband alone.

Mark has also chosen to ignore the issue so we are both prancing around the elephant in the room. I can’t take it anymore but I don’t know what to do. While I am here looking for ways to save my marriage, the man who has led me into this shame has left me to my own fate. We sinned together but where is he now? How can a man be this wicked? That single flame that was rekindled has sparked into a torch burning everything to the ground. How do I quench this fire before I lose everything I love?

—Sandy

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