When my last relationship ended, I made it a point to invest the rest of my time into something profitable. I needed to get certain certificates to be able to qualify for the next promotion at work. There were a lot of things I thought I could do to fill up my time instead of sitting there and thinking about what went wrong. Akos was with me. She knew why the relationship ended so she kept telling me it wasn’t my fault. She told me, “Instead of caging yourself in because of this wrong guy, you should rather go out there and meet new people.” She had a point but that wasn’t what I needed. I learned earlier in life that the best time to be in a relationship is not just when the one you were in ended. You learned and come back again so I decided to learn and concentrate on my job.
A year later, Akos got married. I was there for her. I was her maid of honour and her unofficial wedding planner. We went all out to ensure she had a beautiful wedding. After the wedding, she told me, “You’re the next in line. I can feel in my spirit that someone better is coming along soon. He better not find you in a cage. Come out and throw the keys of your cage away.” I got her point but as I said, my job and education before relationship.
Two years later I was still single. Not that I was thinking of it but the fact that people around me made it a point to remind me of how single I am got me thinking about myself. “I’m twenty-eight. The light of my youth is still shining bright. If I really want to marry and start a family, this is the time to get serious,” I told myself. I figured I had to know a man for years before marriage will finally happen and I had no reason to waste the years pursuing other things. I gave myself permission to meet people and probably allow myself to fall in love.
Akos called one afternoon telling me she has good news for me; “A friend of mine saw your photos and he has been asking of you since. He’s someone I know so I can vouch for his character.” I said, “Akos wait. He has been asking about me just because of a photo. Why are you excited about that? What if he sees me and I’m not the one for him?” She answered, “That’s not the question. He’ll like you. My only problem is if you’ll like him back.”
I wanted to see him and assess if he was my kind of guy. She sent me photos and gave me his Facebook link. I checked him out and he had the personality I could easily fall for but you don’t judge a man by his photos so I pulled the breaks while waiting for the opportunity to meet him. I went through his Facebook wall. He was very loud out there. From what I saw, he sounded intelligent and he picked awesome angles to make his argument. I told Akos, “Whenever he’s ready to meet me, I’ll be ready.”
I got a call from an unknown number one day and it was him. “I presume I’m talking to Ashley, am I right?” I answered, “Yeah you’re right. This is Ashley and who do I have here?” He answered, “This is Peter, the guy Akos told you about.” I had to suppress my enthusiasm so he wouldn’t feel like I was already in love with him. “Hi, Peter, good to hear from you. Yeah, Akos told me about you. She didn’t say you’ll call though.” He laughed and we continued the conversation from there. As I expected, he was eloquent and straight to the point. He was very confident and it showed in the way he came at me.
We met a couple of days later and he told me I looked more beautiful in person than in photos. That calmed my nerves and took away my doubts. The food was good, the environment was superb and the date went really well. He asked when he was going to see me again and I told him I was mostly available on weekends and after work on weekdays. He surprised me one day by sending lunch to my office. Another day, I closed from work and saw him in front of my office. He said, “I thought you might need a ride home so I came for you.”
In just about a few weeks, this guy pressed all my good buttons. I kept sending good reviews to Akos and even thanked her for connecting me to a good man. He hadn’t proposed but I was looking forward to it. Some days too I was doubtful. He was too good to be true so I remember sending a message to Akos one evening asking if Peter didn’t have a girlfriend. She asked, “What have you seen?” I answered, “Nothing but a guy this good has no reason to be single.” We both laughed over it and she encouraged me to stay positive.
Two months later we were still meeting each other, going on dates and chatting but no proposal. I took it as he was trying to know me better and I was all for it. I was also using the opportunity to sniff around and see if I’ll smell anything lethal. One evening we were at a table talking. The mood changed and it felt like he was going to propose. I was waiting to say yes because that was all I could say. He asked me, “What will you bring to the table if we should take this relationship a step higher?”
I pretended I didn’t hear the question so he would have the opportunity to change his mind but When I said “huh?” He repeated the same question in a different way; “I mean you’re beautiful and all that and every man will like to be with you, including myself but I want to know what else you bring to the table.” In fact, I didn’t know how to answer him and I felt that question wasn’t needed because we’d been going out and talking on the phone for over two months. It was up to him to see what I’m made of and decide if I was worth it or not. I was thinking while he kept looking at me expecting an answer.
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I told him, “I don’t know what you want to hear but if you have a table and you want something on it, then you’ll have to open up to me about it. I’m an honest person. If I don’t fit what you want, I will just walk. No need to lie.” He started talking about all the relationships that have gone bad in his life and the names of women who came into his life and brought nothing but expected marriage. “I’ve seen a lot in women and this time around, I don’t want to make a mistake so it’s better I know before I commit.”
I was ready to say yes to him that night but after that question, everything in me screamed, “No, he’s not the man for you. Cut the cord.” The conversation was inconclusive. He asked me to think about it. I told him there was nothing to think about. I got home and told Akos, “Please go for your man. He doesn’t know what he wants.” She asked for details and I briefed her. She asked me to be patient with him because he wanted to be sure blah-blah. I said, “You and your man should leave me alone. 😄”
I went home and didn’t call to tell him. He would usually call and tell me he was home but that evening he didn’t. I told myself, “Good, he understands the assignment.” The next day he called trying to explain himself and all that. I told him not to worry because we were not even in a relationship. We had good times but he didn’t propose during those times. There were nights when the mood was ripe for a proposal but he didn’t catch the clue. There were days I gave him a clue to go ahead and propose and I’ll say yes but he didn’t. It was that day when we were arguing on the phone that he decided to tell me he wants a relationship with me. I didn’t even think twice. I said no. He asked why and I told him he doesn’t know what he wants.
He told Akos about it and asked her to intercede for him. I told Akos to ask him if he now knows what I bring to the table. It’s not about the question but a man like that will just waste my time. I’ll marry him and he’ll expect us to split bills because a woman has to bring something to the table. He’ll expect me to pay the fees of the kids because that’s something a woman should bring to the table. He would expect me to top up the housekeeping money, cook and clean and mother him because I’m expected to bring something to a table a man has set for himself.
The Problem Started When I Spent The Money I Found In His Laundry–Beads Media
It’s a red flag for me and I believe it’s the reason why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Akos and her husband are pressing me to say yes to him and later try to mould him. They say he’s a good man who has been through a lot and I should consider that. They make me feel I’m being too hard on him just because I didn’t understand him. Am I in any way being too hard? Isn’t that a red flag? Men who ask that question feel they have it all and it’s the woman who has to prove herself. I’m not about that. I’m about a man who’ll see my worth and come for me and not a man who’ll see nothing until I audition for him. I don’t like him. He and his table should go far away from me.
-Ashley
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Great decision dear
Ask him to explain that statement to you.
I didn’t hear anything about love o. Is this a business transaction?
This guy obviously thinks you are lucky to have him.
Say that again, George?
Indeed, he and his table should go far away from you my dear! TRUE LOVE does not pay attention to all these. At least he could have first proposed to you, after acceptance then you both can have a conversation on this issue! But he is making the whole thing seem like his love cum proposal depends solely on what you are bringing to his so called table, my dear…forget him wae! What if genuinely you promise him of what you can bring and things doesn’t go as planned? He might even say you were desperate for marriage thats why you lied and will start blaming you for his future miseries! Better things ahead …..Cheers
My dearest, I will respectfully suggest that you permit him to explain in details the statement he made. The statement could mean or assume so many definitions. So please relax and allow him to explain himself before you make a decision. Why are you concluding that he is talking about payment of bills or utilities? You could be wrong please.
To be fair and just, allow him to come out fully then you can take it from there. Be patient my dearest!!!
A man has set a table and you successfully collapsed it right in his face. heheheh…I like that. He should know what he want, a s if he finds it in you, then why ask for what you’re bringing.
In my opinion, If he is clear about his expectations and those expectations are not in line with you it’s best to call it quits as you both have to have an understanding. But if he’s being vague and not wanting to be clear but instead wanting to assume then you may be right to let him go. In other words, make a decision that is best for you.
Dear Ashley, I beg to differ. Pls be patient. Just 2 months after meeting him, you were EXPECTING him to propose and when he didn’t, you believed he missed your clues. This should tell you what we see and expect do not always happen. It’s a great lesson before marriage. From your story, he always sounded intelligent and picked awesome angles to make his argument so why are you surprised and angry with this angle. Clearly, it was right he didn’t propose within the 2 months afterall. He might have studied you too and expected certain things you also missed. It’s harmless and a “next stage” question and the red flag is rather from you. It’s all about tactful and effective communication which is paramount in a future marriage. Yes, he might be observing you and seen your worth but he needs to go further to hear from you to confirm his observations. He is being very careful after several failures just like you. It’s good he’s even reaching out to you to clear the misunderstanding. It shows he has some feelings for you. Tell him your expectations from him as a husband and hopefully a father, your retirement plans, financial plans etc and compare with his. Have honest discussion about your future plans and see where a marriage between you 2 will probably take you. I really pray you are serious about Marriage. God help you.
I agree you Nana perfectly. I do also ask same questions if i want to know how a lady sees marriage and what to expect if i am to settle with her. Before i propose to a lady, i get all my questions answered and doubts cleared because i do not want to start a relationship and later quit along the way because i never got to know the person better before letting my heart out fully into the relationship.
Dear Ashley, if such a genuine individual wants to know you more before starting a relationship with you and you term this as a red flag for you, then there is a big problem here.
Would you prefer to be with a guy who wouldn’t come clean about what he wants to know, and later start behaving strange after you get married. Consider all the positives you have seen in this guy and make a tangible decision that would be of best interest to your future.
No intellectual person would like to let go of certain necessary and vital things he/she should have known before committing oneself into a relationship. This clearly shows that he is a good person because he does not want to start a relationship, then quit along the way to hurt both of you. He wants to know your point of view on how supportive you think a lady should be to build a good home in future, in terms of finance, career, business, etc.
His question of what you are bringing to the table shows clearly that he does not believe in the ideology that all a lady can offer to a man is just sex.
Reading your story, i realised you were complain about about supporting a man in terms of finance, among others. That’s even a big red flag to me because if i am not mistaking, i can clearly tell that you expect a man to be the sole provider of the home in this modern era. A woman is a help mate of a man, complementing us in areas where we fall short. Some men may want house wives while others too do not want house wives, just like myself.
Dear Ashley, i would advise you to rather have patience with him and have a clear and deep conversation ( good communication) with him instead being in a rush expecting him to propose in just two months of getting to meet him.
Good men are extremely difficult to come by. Same way, good ladies are also taken for granted by most men.
God be with you. Thank you.
I agree with Nana perfectly***
I think you did what’s best for you….. and yes its a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored…personally, that question is not necessary, u’ve been with the person for two months, so if you think the person has nothing in her to add to you, you LEAVE otherwise, you move a step further…there’s no need for that question