I have two great guys in my life right now. I didn’t start out with the intention of being with two men. It was supposed to be just Mani and me. He was my boyfriend when I was in tertiary school. He introduced himself to me as an alumnus of the school with a prestigious job. I, on the other hand, was still in school. I had two more years to complete.

A while down the line he got the opportunity to travel abroad. It’s been three years since he left. We made video calls. We would chat on WhatsApp. Sometimes we would speak on the phone. It doesn’t happen always but when he is free we would talk for a long time.

I am twenty-seven. Because of that, my parents have asked me the question, “Do you have a man in your life you intend to marry?” I answered, “Yes, but he lives outside the country.”

However, when I bring up marriage plans he always tells me to give him some time. “I am yet to get my stay here. So give me at least two years to prepare myself.”

Before he left, he introduced me to his entire family at one family gathering they organized. His mum got to love me. She vibed so well with me. However, almost every person I tell about this boyfriend advises me to look elsewhere for someone else, because of late, these guys who travel abroad cannot be trusted.

I closed my ears to their advice but it got to a point where communication was fading between us. He seemed to have other things that took front-row seat in his life. I complained but nothing changed. I even started to feel like a nag so I stopped.

Tired of feeling like an afterthought all the time, I opened up myself to exploring deeper connections within my friendships.

I may have started with the intention of getting to know my friends better but now I am in love with another man. He is a family friend.

He is now the second man in my life. I have known him long enough to know that he is a good man. “If you give me a chance I will marry you in no time,” he proposed. I was lonely and found myself liking him. So I said yes.

He works at my family business but we didn’t tell my folks about our budding relationship. I wanted to see how things would progress first before we start officially meeting each other’s families.

Although he worked for my family, we didn’t discuss work much. Our relationship was centred on us and the feelings growing deeper between us.

We met at his place one time. Things got passionate. I was a virgin when I entered his room but by the time I came out, I had been touched. I am not talking about foreplay and other surface touches. We did everything, including breaking my virginity.

I felt safe going all the way with this guy because I was sure of his love for me. All that changed recently when he had a heated argument with my uncle. He got so angry to the point where he started talking to me anyhow.

I asked him, “Why are you giving me attitude? What did I do to you?” He answered, “You are part of your family. If your uncle can say such offensive words to me, how do I know if you are any different? You are all the same.”

After that time he started pulling away from me. I asked that we meet and talk and he showed up. We had a lengthy conversation. One that left me feeling empty. According to him, “I have nothing against you but because of what your uncle did I can’t mingle with you like I used to. I am sorry.” It took everything inside me not to break down in front of him.

On the outside, I was composed but deep inside I was devastated. My heart felt like a million shards in my chest. Now when I meet him at work all those emotions come rushing out in big blobs of tears.

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He still talks to me as he would a friend. He calls me and we talk nicely. Sometimes he asks me to meet him and we vibe as if nothing happened between us.

He doesn’t acknowledge the intimate moments we shared and how he withdrew from me because of his grudge against my uncle. He treats me as if we have always been platonic friends.

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I don’t know what to make of this, or what to do with him now considering he is still in my life. I am still not over my feelings for him so I can’t see things clearly. That’s why I need an outside person’s perspective.

Let’s not forget about Mani, the guy abroad who has become too busy to talk to me these days. Should I still think he is serious about me? Or I should let him go like everyone else has advised me to?

— Ivy

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