When I met George during my national service days, I was convinced he was the one. He was kind, considerate, and caring. His physical appearance also helped. He dressed neatly and always looked good. I would see him and feel butterflies in my tummy. I felt like a teenage girl with a crush. As embarrassing as it was to admit, there were times my knees went weak whenever he was close. It sounds crazy but that was the effect he had on me. 

Shortly after we started talking, he expressed interest in me. I was giddy with excitement. The guy I was crazy about liked me too! I agreed to give him a chance and we started something. He seemed like the perfect boyfriend but something about him didn’t add up. 

I don’t know how to explain it but there is something about a man when he has another woman in his life. He may act like he doesn’t but there are subtle ways women register their presence in a man’s life. A way of marking their territory. Sometimes you won’t see it but with George, I could clearly tell. 

I felt he wouldn’t tell me the truth if I asked so I decided to go digging on my own. Half of me was hoping I was wrong but unfortunately, my guts were right. George had a girlfriend. I didn’t confront him. I didn’t even suggest I knew. I felt it was my fault for not doing my research first before entering the relationship. So I quietly walked away from him.  

Two years after our national service, we bumped into each other. I was happy to see him. “It’s good to see you again,” he said with a big smile on his devilishly handsome face. I tried not to swoon as I took him in. With all the grace and composure I could muster, I politely asked him, “How have you been?” He responded, and we had a brief chat before going our separate ways. I got a text from him later in the day and things picked up afterward. 

He was no longer with his girlfriend. I had also been single for more than a year. This time around he said he wasn’t here to play.

“I shouldn’t have started anything with you when I was with someone else. It wasn’t right, I am sorry.”

I had forgiven him long ago. “It’s okay, I am not mad about it anymore. It’s all water under the bridge.”

“Let us build a life together,” he proposed, “I promise there is no one in my life this time. It’s just going to be me and you.” 

I had always wondered about what could have been when I walked away. And now that I had the opportunity to find out, I wasn’t going to pass it up. I said yes and we started dating. 

Ever since we began dating, we were intentional about our relationship. I am not going to lie, our first year together was blissful. I had the best relationship experience of my life. He was present whenever I needed him. We went on dates regularly. We would spend quality time together watching movies, playing games, and doing things that helped us bond as a couple. You would wish to have what we had if you saw us. 

Now this is why I’m writing to you. After everything we have experienced as a couple, George is now acting distant. He is physically in the relationship but he is emotionally disconnected. 

He is still perfect in almost every way I know him to be; kind, thoughtful, caring, and considerate. However, it feels like he is just going through the motions. At first, I thought he was going through something. So I decided to give him some space to deal with it. However, the more time passes, the more distant he gets. 

I don’t know if I am asking for too much but I need my man to be emotionally present. I have tried to communicate my needs to him but no matter how I put it, he doesn’t seem to understand me. I don’t know how else to put it. All I ask is that we spend more time together. 

I want to hold hands when we walk. I want to spend a full day together just watching TV or playing or talking because it’s just us. I want to have date nights; long walks, and movies at the cinema. When he looks at me, I want him to tell me I am beautiful. Everyone else compliments me when I look nice but he doesn’t. Sometimes I wonder if he even sees me. 

Any time I try to tell him what I need he tells me, “Why do you like attention so much? I am here but you keep nagging me about not giving you attention.” He would then change for a day but go back to factory settings the next day. 

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It’s not as if we can’t afford to do all the things I want. We are working in the public sector with steady incomes. We have two side businesses together that I manage for us. He also does politics on the side. He says that is what is eating his time.

I told myself if this is who he is now, and he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, then let me accept him as he is. I have tried but I have seen that this kind of dry relationship is not for me. Even the Harmattan season is not this dry. 

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What kills me most about all this is our sex life. It’s a complete mess. He is very good in the bedroom. He knows which buttons to push to get me there. That was one thing we bonded over. We both like it so we did it often. Now, he can go a month or two without even giving me a kiss or a peck, let alone intimacy. There are times I have to employ all the elements of seduction at my disposal before he would touch me. Because of this, I am sexually frustrated most of the time. This is not how we began so I am struggling to accept it. 

Talking to him hasn’t worked so far. But I want things to change. I just don’t know what else to do to spice things up. That’s why I need your advice. I don’t want to be haste in walking away from a good man just because he is not loving me the way I want. 

— Michelle

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