I am a graduate teacher in my early thirties. At this stage in my life, I want to settle down and start a family. I want love and devotion from my husband. I want a house filled with kids and family. I want to have it all. And I should be able to have the life I want but I am currently stuck between two men, James and David.

I started dating James eight years ago. Right at the beginning of our relationship James lost his job. We tried everything to help him get back on his feet but it was difficult. He was living in his family house and he could barely get by. I stuck with him and helped him as best as I could. Life moved on around us but James and I seemed to be at a standstill. While my friends were getting married and having kids I was waiting around for my boyfriend to get a job. It took him five years to finally get that job and land on his feet. 

When he started earning money I thought we would start planning our future together. We met each other’s families and everything seemed to be on track. When we approached the issue of accommodation he told me, “Why are you asking me when I intend to move out of my family’s home? I am comfortable here and it helps me save money. Do you know how expensive rent costs in this country?” I tried to reason with him, “James my parents will not allow me to marry you if you don’t get your own place.” That information didn’t do anything to persuade him. Whenever the topic of marriage comes up, we argue about when he will get his own place. 

So that’s how we are in an eight-year relationship with no progress to marriage. James is currently forty-two years old but he is not willing to move out of his family house. He also happens to be stingy. Ever since he started working he never got me a gift or even gave me money. When I complained he said, “Forgive me, I am not used to giving women gifts or money. I will work on it.” So far he hasn’t changed. I don’t trust that he will take good care of me should we even get married. Somehow I can’t seem to let him go. I am so much in love with him and we have eight years of history between us so it makes it difficult to walk away.

Now, let’s talk about David. I met him two years ago through a friend. We got along well and he has been good to me. Recently he expressed interest in me and I decided to give him a chance. David is the complete opposite of James. He has his own house that he built himself. He worships the ground on which I walk. He makes me feel like I am the only woman in the entire universe. He gives me gifts and money when I don’t even ask him to. David is a domestic man, he likes to assist me with chores. It should have been easy for me to choose him but it’s not.

Unlike James, who doesn’t have any kids, David has two children. He is no longer with their mum but I am not sure I want to be a stepmother. I know people who have bad experiences getting involved with men who have kids. There could be baby mama drama. Sometimes the kids can cause problems in the relationship or marriage. I don’t want to walk into a situation that would disturb my peace of mind. Because of this, I have not been able to love him the way I should. 

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Another thing I’m concerned about is David’s educational background. He is an SHS leaver who works as a phone repairer. Because of my profession as a teacher, it matters to me that I end up with an educated man. Everyone in my life also expects that of me. My friends are telling me to leave him. They said he treats me well because he knows that I am out of his league. I try to put our educational differences aside but I can’t. It comes up in our conversations. Whenever he shares his views and opinions on certain issues, I associate it with his lack of higher education. I cannot make certain references when we are talking because I know he won’t understand. That’s something I never have to worry about when it comes to James.

 David makes good money when his business is thriving but that line of work doesn’t have financial security. That’s something that also bothers me. I keep wondering what would happen if he runs out of business someday? I know that if I choose him he will give me the love and devotion I want from my husband. I will also get a house filled with children from him. That is if his kids and their mum don’t give us problems. I will have it all with David but the differences in our background will always rear their heads. I will have to filter my conversations in order to come down to his level. I don’t know if I can do that for a long period of time. 

How is it that James has half of what I want in a man and David has the other half? Why couldn’t one of them have everything I want?  I’m confused as to which way to go. Half here, half there yet no way to make them one whole. What am I supposed to do now?

—Kate

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