I was in my early twenties when I met Ben. I had just completed high school and was working at a restaurant in Tema. That was where I met him. He was one fine gentleman in his early forties. There was just this thing about him that I found so irresistible. Many men who frequented the place tried to get my attention but I never went beyond business transactions with any of them. However, Ben caught my interest. When he asked for my number I gave it to him.

We usually closed late because of our customers so he waited until midnight to call me. We talked and I found out that we lived in the same neighborhood. So the next day when he called me at midnight, he said “I am standing outside your house. Come and meet me.” I thought he was joking until I looked outside the window and saw him standing out there in the moonlight. He looked like a knight in shining armor who had come to rescue his damsel in distress.

We sat on a bench and had deep conversations about our lives. He told me he had a daughter with a woman he was not married to. And I also told him about my dreams of furthering my education after I saved enough money from my job. He said he liked me and that he would be happy to have me as his girlfriend. By then I wasn’t with anyone. And I liked him so I agreed to date him.

Our relationship was beautiful. We mostly spoke at midnight after I had closed from work. Sometimes I would go and see him. Other times he would come to my house and sit on the bench with me for midnight conversations. Every moment I spent with him was fun. On my days off I spent it at his place. He lived alone. I even had a spare key so I could go to his place whenever I wanted. I did his laundry and had access to every aspect of his room. There was no sign that he had another woman in his life. As far as I was concerned, I was his only woman.

He gave me money from time to time, and I also bought clothes for his daughter every once in a while. When I was ready to go to remedial school to better my grades, he paid for it. He didn’t give me everything I asked him for but he came through for me whenever I needed him.

Throughout our entire relationship, the mother of his child was not an issue. She only came up when he had to visit his daughter. While I was in remedial school, I attended a prayer meeting and the pastor told me that my boyfriend was another woman’s husband. I told the pastor, “No, you must be mistaken. He has a baby with someone but they are not married.” He insisted he was a true man of God so his revelation was the truth.

That weekend when I went to visit Ben, he got drunk and left his phone unlocked. I never had any reason to go through his phone but after what the pastor said, I decided to see if indeed, my boyfriend was married. I went through his phone and saw a contact saved as “wife”. I read their chats and I was shocked. Everything they talked about sounded like a conversation between a husband and a wife.

I saw pictures of a surprise birthday party that was organized for him. The day he attended the party he called me saying, “Babe, I wish you were here. It would have been a perfect opportunity for you to meet my family. Everyone is here.” It was that day I went through his phone that I found out he attended that party with his wife. This man deserves an Oscar for his incredible acting skills.

I was so torn after I read his messages. This is a man who said he would marry me. We were even planning our traditional marriage ceremony. My family didn’t approve of him but I was convinced they were wrong about him. I told them, “If you know him like I do, you will understand that he is a good man.” I fought everyone who opposed us. That was what hurt me the most: the fact that I chose him over everyone but he turned out to be exactly the kind of man they said he was.

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When he woke up, I asked him about the messages and pictures on his phone but he denied it. I was holding the evidence right in my hands but he said, “I didn’t marry her. I only performed her knocking rites. Trust me, nothing is going on between us.” The ease and confidence with which he lied made me almost believe him. However, I just couldn’t.

I started asking people close to him questions. They all confirmed his story except his closest friend. I didn’t even ask that man anything. He was the one who came to tell me, “Maame, you are a nice girl. I would hate for someone to lie to my sister or my daughter the way Ben is lying to you. He doesn’t want you to find out the truth that he is married to the mother of his child, but I believe you deserve to know. She is not an ex or a baby mama. She is his wife.”

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That was all the confirmation I needed to walk away from the relationship. It broke my heart to leave him but it even broke my heart more to find out that I had been dating a married man for four years and I didn’t even know it. Was I so blinded by love that I didn’t see the signs? Or was he just good at playing the game?

It has been years since I left him. I have met many men but I treat all of them like Ben. I scrutinize everything they say and act like a detective in their lives. I just want to make sure that they don’t have wives they are hiding from me. Unfortunately, my hypervigilance stresses them to the point where they lose interest in me. Now, I am in my thirties. I have no boyfriend or love interest. I wish to get married someday but I can’t even bring myself to trust a man. How do I overcome the trauma I suffered with Ben so I can move on and find love? Please, I need your help.

—Maame Esi

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