I had my first crush when I was in nursery school. It is as silly as it sounds; just a childish fantasy of Cinderella and her Prince. I thought we would last forever. And as we got older, I read stories of childhood sweethearts who grew up, got married, and lived happily ever after. That was my dream for this boy. We enjoyed each other’s friendship and company until we got a little older.

When we got to the age where our peers started having boyfriends and girlfriends, I thought I had already found mine. Unfortunately, my Prince told me; “You and I have been playing foolish fairytale games since we were in diapers. I feel suffocated because of this. So I need some space to breathe.” I was disheartened but I held on to a little hope that he would come back to me. The Prince finds Cinderella in the end, doesn’t he?

One day I was there when he called me to meet him out on a date. You can imagine my excitement. “Finally, my boyfriend has come for me,” that’s what I thought. I wore my best clothes, the one I would want to remember when I recount tales of the day he proposed to me. I got to our meeting place bursting at the seams with so much joy. Only for Prince to introduce a girl to me. She is the one he chose to be his girlfriend. That day my heart spilled in ways that way too painful for me to comprehend. That was my first heartbreak.

After we completed basic school, I met Kwabena. I didn’t know much about boys and relationships. I was a church girl who was so green. Kwabena was a bit of a bad boy so he taught me things. By the time our relationship was a year old, I knew things I had no business knowing. I was still a virgin but we had played a lot of games. The kind that filled me with lust for him.

Everything that happened between us was a carefully guarded secret. I never spoke of it with anyone, and neither did he. We believed we were safe. We forgot that there’s a man who sees and knows everything. I am talking about God. Everything came out when I attended youth camp. My pastor saw our unholy games in a vision.

Instead of talking to me about it, he chose to report me to my parents. I was insulted and shamed to the point where I wanted to end my life. I felt so unclean every time I looked at myself. They did their worst but it didn’t break me and Kwabena up. I just became too afraid to go all the way with him. So he started having shuperu with other girls. It broke my heart but I wasn’t ready to lose another boy so I continued to stay with him.

When I also got the chance to see someone else I also took it. Kwabena found out about the other guy but he also refused to let me go. He said he loved me too much to let me go. I also loved him but I couldn’t forget about the shame I experienced when my pastor sold me out to my parents. So I started unloving him bit by bit until my heart was completely free of him.

When I broke up with him he didn’t take it well. He tried to fight for me but I was long gone. He asked me, “Are you leaving me because I am not a church boy like the other guy you are dating? If that’s the case then I will come to church with you. I will give my life to Christ and become born again. I will do it all for your love.” And he did it all just to win me over but I wasn’t ready to be with him again.

I rather focused my attention on Kwesi, a boy who had pledged allegiance to the Lamb. I told myself that he would help me get closer to God, whereas Kwabena would lead me astray. I believed I made the right choice until Holy Kwesi started becoming obsessed with getting into my pants. He was not interested in any aspect of our relationship besides manipulating me to give him shuperu.

I didn’t agree so we broke up. I was very hurt by the way things played out. I ended up experiencing my third heartbreak before I even got to the university. When I finally made it to the university, I found myself in a rebound relationship. I still didn’t go all the way, but we explored different dimensions of pleasure.

After him, I met a guy who ticked all my boxes. I decided this was the guy I would finally settle with. His dreams aligned with mine so I figured we would make a great team and push each other to achieve higher heights. I put my all into him.

He is well- to-do so he always complained about how girls only wanted him for his money. I didn’t want him for his money. I had established men chasing me but he was the one my heart wanted so I chose him. I fell in love with him sooner than I even expected. And I was the first to say, “I love you.” He was so happy when I said it. He praised me, “These days girls don’t fall in love. They just want money, sex, and favours. So I am glad I have you who genuinely love me.”

From there, he pressured me to meet my parents. He said he wanted to declare his intentions for our future so another man wouldn’t beat him to it. I was happy that we were heading somewhere. Before I realized it, this guy became cold and distant. The switch from pursuit to nonchalance broke me. I don’t think I am so bad. I’m a sweet, smart, eloquent, pretty and classy lady. Those are my best qualities. So why wouldn’t he want me anymore?

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According to him, after I confessed my love, he realized that he didn’t fully understand his feelings for me before jumping into the relationship. So he left me crushed and broken. So that was my fourth heartbreak.

After everything I was going through, Kwabena still wanted me. However, he blocked me after I ignored his last text confessing his love for me. Genuinely, I care very deeply about him. The only reason I couldn’t take him back is because of our past. Our relationship was a little toxic. Let’s not forget about the trauma I faced when my pastor reported me to my parents. The way I became suicidal. I can’t think about loving him without thinking about those dark times. That’s why I kept my distance from him. However, he always shows up when I experience a failed relationship.

Why Men Don’t Say “I Love You” To Each Other

I am currently twenty-two and I have experienced four heartbreaks. Through it all, it is Kwabena’s love that is consistent. He is the only one who has gone above and beyond to be with me. Sometimes I wonder if he is the one for me but I am still too traumatized by our past to even go there. The other day, a friend bumped into him. She told me, “Kwabena doesn’t seem to be doing well. Have you spoken to him lately?” I haven’t, and I feel terrible that I am not there for him through whatever he is experiencing. I used to be the shoulder he leans on but it’s no longer the case. I am the one who used to brighten his day after a gloomy day at work.

I don’t know what to expect if I reach out to him right now. I am no longer using the number he blocked so I want to call him and give him the closure he deserves. Maybe if I explain why I can’t be with him, he will finally move on. Do you think it’s necessary for me to do that?

—Daphne

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