In the talking stage of our relationship, I told her that I wasn’t looking for a woman I would look after. I also added that I wasn’t looking for a woman who would take care of me. All I wanted was a partner. Someone to share life’s burdens with. I do domestic chores so we would both contribute to keeping the home. Just as I would do chores, I expect my woman to also contribute financially to running the home.

Phylis assured me that she was the kind of woman who would be my equal in everything. We worked at the same place and earned almost the same salary, so I believed she would know my financial capacity and be my helper when we get married. I remember telling her, “Nobody should have to lose out in life just because they are married. If I send my mother GHC500 at the end of every month, I should still be able to do that after marriage.” She agreed with me completely on this.

It made me believe that we were on the same page. And for the first three years of our relationship, it seemed we wanted the same things from life. We lived far apart from each other so we didn’t spend so much time together. It made it difficult for me to know her relationship with money. I accepted whatever she said to me because I didn’t have the opportunity to see it for myself.

At the end of our third year together, we started talking about marriage. In order to save on rent and get to know each other better, we agreed to move in together. That was when I started to see her relationship with money. And it’s been a year now. I believe a year is enough for me to conclude that we are having financial problems.

When we first decided to live together, we agreed that I would be liable for 60% of all financial obligations of the home, and she would cover 40% of all expenses. I can confidently say that I have upheld my part of the bargain. I do chores too. I do laundry, cleaning, washing dishes, and whatever a home needs to be clean. The only thing I am not so good at is cooking. Even with that, I prepare the simple meals. So I do my part when it comes to domestic activities.

However, when it comes to money, she has a taste that is more expensive than mine. At first, I suggested that we move into a single room apartment. It was just the two of us so we could manage it, and save money. But she refused. She wanted a chamber and hall apartment instead. When I tried to convince her to accept the single room, she told me; “Go ahead and rent the single room. You will live in it alone.” The plan was for us to live together so I complied to her wishes.

She paid 40% of the cost of the rent while I covered 60%. After we moved in, she started complaining that she spends more on the house financially than I do. I didn’t want that to be the case so I suggested, “Let’s open a joint account. We will both put money in it that we want to use for the house. That way you won’t end up spending more than I do.” She agreed to it nicely, but when the time came for us to open the account, she started dragging her feet. She became too busy to avail herself for us to open the account.

All the while she was giving me excuses, she was complaining about how much money she was spending on the home. I asked how I could make things better, and she answered, “I think we should split the cost 70/30, instead of 60/40.” That was when I understood that her problem was how much she was contributing. She just wanted to keep spending more but pay less.

We earn almost the same salary so why should I have to spend more money to accommodate her expensive taste? I suggested that we cut down on our expenses but she wouldn’t hear any of it. Rather, she asked me to buy furniture for the hall. She said, “You are the man so it’s your responsibility to single-handedly pay for the furniture.” I wish I could do it, but honestly, I have already started living above my financial capability. This is not something I can add to my expenses at this moment. So we have been living in our apartment for months with no seats.

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I have come to realize that she has a problem with letting go of money. Whenever I give her my portion of the house expense, she feels reluctant to add hers. There was a time when I asked her to tell me how much housekeeping money she had in her possession. She mentioned the amount and later came to tell me that we were due to pay our water bill. I asked her to pay it from the housekeeping money seeing as it was not a lot of money. Phylis got upset and complained bitterly that there was no money.

Out of confusion, I asked her, “Didn’t you just tell me that there was some money left?” She then said that the money was finished so she had nothing. I tried to ask questions but she got angry and avoided the topic. I had no choice but to let it go.

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Now her decision is that I should take care of everything financially, and when she sees something is lacking, she would help. Based on what I have seen, I know that if I accept to do this, she won’t help in any way. This is someone who can keep money we both contributed and pretend it’s finished while we go hungry. So why would she on her own volunteer to support me when things get hard?

For me, this is not what I want and we have spoken many times about this but to no avail. Is it too bad a thing for me to require that my woman contribute 40% to the running of the home? We earn the same salary, and she knows this. Must I use all my income on only our expenses to prove that I am a man?

—Yao

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