I need help making a serious decision about my life. I’m a 26-year-old woman awaiting my posting as a teacher. And this is my story.
Kwame came into my life when I was about to turn eighteen. I didn’t want a boyfriend then but I like him. So I accepted his proposal. However, I told him, “I don’t want to have intimacy until marriage.” I hadn’t done it before and I didn’t intend to do it.
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He accepted my condition and we started a beautiful relationship. For two years, we were together quite a number of times but we never crossed that line.
It happened that two years after I completed SHS I became frustrated because my family didn’t allow me to pursue my dream of becoming a dentist. As a result, I started visiting him frequently. Through that, we eventually did it. I felt bad about it at first but eventually, I got used to it.
Four years into the relationship he started changing. He became overly secretive. He treated his phone as if it contained national secrets and I was an enemy of the state. Before I could wrap around what was going on, he became controlling as well.
When we started the relationship, we both said we would stick to our individual faith. While I am Presbyterian, he is an Adventist. All of a sudden he started demanding I adopt his church’s doctrines.
I didn’t refuse. I only asked for time to figure things out, as I was still growing into womanhood.
Along the line, I enrolled in training college. That was when my love for makeup and manicure was birthed. I learned how to do them and started a small side business. This led to a heated argument between me and Kwame. By the time we were done, we said words that were too damaging to each other. We just had to break up.
It was hard but eventually, I learned to let go and moved on. In my final year of college, during my menteeship in a small town, I met Kofi. The moment I saw him, my heart skipped a beat. When he asked for my contact, I gave it to him without hesitation.
A month after we started talking, I visited him. He wanted us to be intimate, but I asked that we take things slow.
Two months later, he took me on a date. We lost track of time, and it got too late for me to get a car home, so I had to stay over at his place. That night, he kept pestering me for sex. I refused, but he wouldn’t sleep and kept insisting I let him do it. Eventually, he wore me out. I gave in.
I have become his toy for the past two years. He doesn’t even do anything to appreciate me for all the things I do for him. He is a police officer but he is always broke.
When I asked him why, he said he took a ¢50,000 loan four years ago. “The deductions are huge. By the time they are done, I barely have anything left to see me through the month. That’s why I am not able to show up for you financially.” I don’t expect anything from him so I don’t worry that he gives me nothing.
I have been trying to find a side job while waiting for my posting. Since I support myself, I needed a job and eventually found one near Kofi’s place. However, when I asked if I could stay with him to make it easier for me to commute, he refused. He said, “If you come and live here I can’t take care of you. If you are having such a hard time sustaining yourself in the city, then why don’t you go to your mother’s place in the village until your posting comes?”
It’s one thing if he wouldn’t help but for him to say this, it cut me deeply. I spent the entire day thinking about it.
That evening, my ex unexpectedly called me. I was shocked to hear from him. He asked how I was doing, and I told him everything—except details about my current relationship.
After listening, he sighed and said; “A friend of mine is looking for a shop attendant. The salary is ¢800. Are you interested?”
I was excited about the opportunity until he made a proposal. He asked me to move in with him while I do the job. He said he has been eating outside since we broke up. So I lived with him, I would cook for us both.
What surprised me even more was that he said he had a dream about us getting married. “We had a beautiful family in this dream. That’s why I called.” Before we ended the call he said, “All I am trying to say is that I want to marry you. I have saved up. I have enough money to ask for your hand in marriage. Just tell me when.”
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After the call, I broke down in tears. I’m now 26, and all my current boyfriend does is ask me to cook, wash his clothes, have sex with him, and then he would send me home as if I were his servant. Whenever I bring up marriage, he tells me we’re too young for such conversations. “Slow down. What’s the rush?”
Meanwhile, my ex is back asking me to marry him. I am just so sad that I don’t have feelings for my ex anymore. I truly love Kofi. This guy has cheated on me three times but I still can’t seem to leave him.
What do I do?
—Elle
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The devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. Kofi has no place for you in the present how much more the future. He’s here to use and dump you when he’s tired of you. As for your ex sit him down and ask him if he loves you that’s why he proposed or it was because of a dream? The answer he gives you will determine what to do. All in all put yourself first, don’t be with someone who does not have your interest at heart or someone you feel pity or endebted to. In order to be sure of the person your ex is ask him questions about the future, the present and how he plans to make you fit in his life and the position you will hold in it too? His believes, his view about family, His views on communication ,plans for the family etc his answer will tell you all there is to know. Leave kofi because he won’t marry you but make you miserable.
My dear, ex’s always come back when they meet someone like u and cant forget mind u if your ex is coming back , he is coming back for u but he will coming to use and dump like he did before , if he had any marriage intentions he wouldnt have ended things but rather work out things with u and for your current boyfriend if i were i would have left long time cos he is making a big fool out of u that u dont realise , who know he might be spending his money on a woman he genuinely loves not so my dear just forget about the two of them and look for something profitable to do with your life before u become a toy to a man who doesnt value u.
I agree with Jasmine. Do you have to have a man in order for you to exist?
Are all your plans tied to having a man?
You’re still young and you’ll definitely meet someone who values you instead of wasting your life away. You don’t love Kofi, you just need a place to stay and a means to make money. Please leave and build your life even if it means going back home for the mean time before you get pregnant and abandoned.
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“Ex come back solution”. Nothing we no go see for Ghana.
Kofi does not love you. As a matter of fact, he is only using you. And trust me girl, you do not ever in your life want to marry a man who has no regard for you at all.
It may be painful but you are better off alone than being with him.
As for your ex, keep him where he is. An ex. Just focus on making something out of your life. For about 6 months, let it be solely about you so you have the clarity of mind to decide exactly what’s best for you. All the best dear.