I am crazy about my girlfriend. I would have married her long ago if she hadn’t advised me that the timing was not right. I was working on a project at the time I asked her to marry me last year. I expected her to jump with excitement and say yes but that didn’t happen. Rather, she reminded me that my project was set to be completed in November of this year. “Why don’t you finish it first before we start talking about marriage?” It made sense but it wasn’t what I wanted.

We talked further about the proposal. I argued that we could get married while the project was still undone. She disagreed, “All the resources we will channel into the marriage preparations will delay the work. That’s why I am saying you should fully complete it. When you are done, the next project will be the marriage planning.” We went back and forth until I agreed to her suggestion.

Our relationship is currently four years old. We were both in Accra when we started but my work transferred me to Kumasi along the line. Since then, we’ve been doing long-distance.

We knew we had to put in more effort and be more intentional about being together to make room for the changes in our lives. At first, we took turns visiting each other. If she made the trip this month, I would go see her the next month. It helped keep the love alive. Even when she complained bitterly about the poor roads, I didn’t mind. I was even happy that she chose to travel on bad roads because of me.

Disappointingly, all her visits seized after she experienced a near-fatal accident during one of these trips. I understood that an experience as such could have a traumatic impact on her. So when she brought it up as a reason not to visit me the next time it was her turn, I decided to go see her.

Since that time, I am always the one who visits her. No amount of persuasion has succeeded in getting her to visit me. “What if an accident happens?” She would ask. I am not Superman. Neither do I have any supernatural abilities to shield myself from hurt or worse, but I braved these poor roads to spend time with her. Now, she has taken that from me as well.

“Oh, I am having family over this weekend so you can’t come.”

“I am trying to meet a tight deadline so I won’t have time for you.”

“I need to attend an important event so I won’t be around to spend time with you.”

This is the stage we are at currently. It started in January this year. Every time I try to visit her, she gives me a reason not to. They sounded like valid reasons at first so I didn’t complain. But as time passed, I started seeing them for what they are, excuses.

What I don’t get in all this is how she trivializes the importance of my visits. As though we don’t need to spend time together at least once in a while, to keep the chemistry sizzling between us.

“Is everything okay with us?”

“Did I do anything to offend you?”

“Are you no longer interested in continuing this relationship?”

These are some of the questions I asked her in an attempt to understand why she didn’t want to see me. Nothing she said suggested I was at fault. She only gave me assurances that everything was fine between us. How can I believe this?

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I have tried to be patient with her but I am getting tired. We are in the same country. It’s not even up to half a day’s journey between Accra and Kumasi, yet I haven’t seen my girlfriend since January. Is this supposed to mean that everything is fine?

I am worried. Her behaviour is making me question my place in her life. Could it be that she grew tired of the love we’ve nurtured over all these years? I am also wondering if there’s a new man in her life. Maybe he is the reason she has been too busy to see me this year.

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The more I think the more I feel unsettled. I am telling myself a lot of things to fill the blanks in my mind. There’s a part of me that believes she is hiding something from me, and that thing is in her house so she doesn’t want me there. Another part of me is questioning the advice she gave me when I proposed marriage to her. Did she ask us to put the marriage on hold because she meant well? Or she just didn’t want to marry me. I have so many questions but no answers.

Talking to her about my concerns hasn’t produced any results other than, “We are fine. Why are you worried?” I am also not someone who likes to impose my presence on others. That’s why I haven’t shown up at her place unannounced yet. So I am stuck with my doubts and uncertainties. What do I make of her behaviour? Or I am the one overreacting? I want to know your thoughts on my situation.

—James

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