She said, “Makeup was made for women and I’m a woman. What’s wrong with me doing what a woman is supposed to do? Don’t you have friends who put on makeup every day? What’s wrong with it? There are a lot of women who wear makeup and still have a successful marriage. Why are you trying to make an issue out of something that shouldn’t be an issue?” I said, “I’m not making an issue out of anything and I’m not saying you shouldn’t do makeup. I’m saying I love you for who you are and I would be glad if I see that face I fell for often. Is that too much to ask?

This is one of the exchanges we had because of her overreliance on makeup.

The two of us were jobless when we met. We loved each other and were determined to make it work no matter what. So even when we lacked money and couldn’t go to exciting places and exchanged exciting gifts, we were content with the fact that our love was strong. She was beautiful. She’s still is. She has these piercing eyes that make you recognize her even from a long distance. I called her, “Eagle eye,” or “snake eyes” depending on the look in her eyes and it was always fun.

At that time, she didn’t know what makeup was. She didn’t have the tools for makeup and she didn’t bother getting a makeup bag. She went to church with her raw face and went to people’s weddings wearing her own face. It didn’t bother her. It didn’t bother me that she wore her own face to places.  Her face was enough and was fit for every occasion. We’ll go to a place and I’ll meet my friends. I will introduce her to my friends and the first phrase that would come from them is, “She’s beautiful.”

The good thing was, it didn’t go into her head. It didn’t make her behave as though she was on top of the world when indeed she was sitting at the base with everyone else. My Sylvia was Sylvia and I loved her very much because of that.

And then we started working. She had a job several months before I did. We met each day after work and talked about our future and planned on what to do with the money we were getting from our jobs. It was her 26th birthday and we decided to have a drink-up party with a few friends to celebrate her. That was the first time she put makeup on. She looked different and everyone complimented her. I think how she looked that day and the compliment she received went into her head a little. When she posted the photos on her Facebook wall, what everyone talked about was the way she looked.

Days later, she bought her first makeup set and started learning how to do it on her own. Everything changed from that point. She wore makeup to work. She wore it to church. She wore it to all places. On ordinary days like Saturday that she didn’t have anywhere to go, you’ll visit her in the house and she’ll be wearing makeup. Because of her, I know almost all the makeup terms. She’ll send me a photo and asked, “Check my eyelashes. I did it myself. Look at the contouring, do you like it? Do you think it suits my face?

So, one day I brought the conversation up. “Sylvia, you don’t need to wear makeup all the time. Some occasions, yeah but every day?” She said, “Stop exaggerating. I don’t wear makeup every day. I wear it often but not every day.” I said, “We have seven days in a week. Let’s count the number of days out of the seven that you don’t wear makeup. Should we?” She said, “I’m a woman. It’s alright if I wear makeup. Look around you. How many women do you see that don’t wear makeup?”

Anytime I brought the conversation up, she said something that made it definite that she wasn’t going to stop. At some point, she made it look like if she had to choose between me and her makeup kits, she’ll leave me lonely and walk away with her kits. I stopped bringing the conversation up and watched her as we moved.

We’ve been together for five years. We’ve survived a lot together, even the makeup storm didn’t break us. We were planning our wedding when Covid happened. We put the wedding plans on hold and instead planned on how not to get Covid. January this year, we picked the conversation up again and started talking to all the people we needed to talk to before marriage between us would be a success. We did the ‘knocking’ in March and scheduled the wedding for September.

We’ve done very well for ourselves so far. We’ve done everything to keep our plans going. At some point in our counseling session, the pastor said, “Let’s talk about overdressing on the wedding day.” He said, “This usually goes to the women than the men. The men don’t do a lot on that day but the women. They’ll re-fix their whole being; hair, nails, eyebrows, eyelashes, lips, everything. In the end, they become different. Those are not the important things. Don’t overdo it. It’s better you overdo the real marriage than overdo the dressing.”

I loved that topic. He was speaking on my behalf. I asked, “So pastor, is it wrong if a woman does not wear makeup on her wedding day?” He screamed, “Why can that be wrong? I’ve officiated a lot of weddings where the women didn’t wear makeup? They are there. Still enjoying their marriage.”

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We were on our way going home when I realized that Sylvia was quiet. She didn’t respond to my questions and didn’t say anything at all. I asked, “Is everything alright?” She said, “What kind of stupid question was that? Must you ask that question by all means?” It was an argument but later escalated into a mini fight. That day when we got to the station, we both picked different taxis and went our separate ways. She didn’t call to say sorry. She never called me until I called to talk to her.

We are only a few weeks away from our wedding and our minds are supposed to be on the bigger issues. A week ago, she asked me, “I want you to be honest with me. Do you want me to wear makeup on the wedding day or not?” I said, “I can’t decide for you. Please do what will make you happy.” She said, “I want you to be honest with me so just say what’s on your mind.” I said. “Left to me alone, you’ll do it without the makeup. You’re very beautiful already. You don’t have to dull your eyes to be beautiful but if you want the makeup too, go ahead. I don’t have a problem.”

That’s all I said. A few minutes later, she went to her Facebook wall and asked, “What would you do if your husband asks you not to wear makeup on your wedding day?” Come and see name-calling and insults on that husband who’ll dare to suggest a makeup-free wedding. She went ahead and reacted to those insulting comments with a heart. I took notice of everything they said. In the evening when she called I said, “You’re happy now I guess. You know where to get the best advice, so why did you ask me in the first place?” She said, “I was only having fun but nothing serious.”

We’ve not spoken again since that day.

I’m expecting her to call and say sorry but she doesn’t care. I know she won’t call until I call her. It doesn’t change anything. I’m still doing what I have to do to ensure a successful wedding but I want to ask; are these red signs I don’t have to ignore? And is it too late for me to recognize and act on red flags?

–Sefa

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