I found myself dating Gabby when I was 20. He was ten years older than me but the age gap wasn’t a problem for me. I was facing a lot of struggles at that time. I needed money but getting a job was a hustle for me. He, on the other hand, had completed a diploma in a computer-related field.

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His plan was to pursue certifications to improve his prospects. Unfortunately, he also had money problems. This made it difficult for him to take those next steps.

One of the reasons I was trying desperately to get a job was my family. My father was seriously ill, and my mother had become his primary caregiver. Eventually, her income dried up. My father’s medical expenses were also piling up. As their child, I felt an immense sense of responsibility. I wanted to help with the bills.

I didn’t relent. I kept trying and trying again until I finally secured a job. I felt so relieved. Especially when I started receiving my salary and contributed what little I could to support my father’s treatment.

Gabby was supportive, at least the best way he thought he could be. He showed up physically. He was there for me emotionally. The only thing he couldn’t do was offer financial help.

One day when he visited us and left, my mother said, “This your man is stingy.”

I brushed it off, but as time went on, I began to notice the truth in her words.

He would frequently complain of hunger and expect me to feed him, even though he knew the pressure we were under.

One day, he asked for nearly half of my salary to fund a course he claimed would enhance his CV.

“If it’s that important to you then why don’t you save from your own salary and pay for it?” I asked him.

“My salary is not enough,” he answered, “That’s why I need you to help me over the next three months.”

At that time I was so naïve that I agreed to his request. But after three months he didn’t stop asking me for money. He never even enrolled in the course. He rather came back and asked that I support him for another three months.

Eventually, I realized how much strain this was placing on me. So I found a way to take control of my finances. I joined my company’s cooperative, and that allowed me to save securely.

When I told him about it, he seemed disappointed at first. Then he came back later and said, “It’s very smart of you to put money away. We will use it for our wedding.”

That was when it hit me, “I need to get out of this relationship.”

Before I left, another red flag reared its head. He suggested I quit my job to help him manage a business centre he hoped to open after we got married.

“How much will you pay me as my salary?”

He shrugged, “You won’t need a salary. I will provide food for you.”

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He completely ignored my personal needs, my social life, and my responsibilities toward my family. This disregard for my independence and well-being was deeply troubling.

That was when I ended the relationship. I told him face-to-face that I was no longer interested. I didn’t give any explanations, but he assumed I was being proud because of my salary.

I Was Fine Until I Was Alone In My Room

It’s been 25 years since that breakup. I look back at that relationship and I am so glad I left him. I remember seeing the woman he ended up marrying. It was clear she wasn’t happy in the marriage. She looked impoverished and miserable. It was all the proof I needed to know that it’s never wrong to leave a man who doesn’t show signs that he is a provider.

Now I advise young people to always prioritize their wellbeing and maintain their financial independence in relationships. One more thing, never brush aside the red flags you see in a relationship. It can shape the course of your life.

—Mirabel

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