My husband and I both have our careers in the healthcare sector. While he is a PhD holder, I have a diploma. When we were courting, things were good and peaceful between us. He would go out of his way to take care of me. I don’t mean only financially. He had a habit of lending a helping hand when he visited me and I was doing my chores. The first time he did it, I thought it was just a one-time thing. However, as the relationship progressed, he didn’t stop. I knew then that he was the kind of man who did not believe in societal gender roles. I loved that about him.

I am not exaggerating when I say our relationship was enviable. I had friends who often said, “As for this man, God must have formed him from a special dust. You would think a man like him would feel too big for domestic work but he does them effortlessly. Whatever you do, don’t let him go.” I would often laugh and say, “He knows he is not going anywhere.”

Some doubting Thomases even said he was doing all that because we were not married. “Men behave a certain way when they are boyfriends, but as soon as they get married, they change. You, wait and see.” I didn’t let their pessimism get to me because I knew my man better than they did. Truly, when we got married, my husband did not change.

He continued to be the husband who did domestic chores while he was the sole provider for our family. Whenever I tried to use my money for housekeeping, he would refuse. Even when we ran out of something and I tried to make a quick run to the store to get some, he would insist I take his money. “I can afford it,” I would sometimes protest. “Of course, I know you can afford anything you want but I am your man. It is my job to provide for you.” Well, who doesn’t want a good man taking care of them?

Regardless of how much he didn’t need my money, I wanted to do something for him. So I always bought him gifts as an appreciation for all his efforts. When we had our daughter, he didn’t leave the baby for me alone to take care of. He was as involved in the parenting process as I was. Sometimes my job required me to travel. I could leave our daughter for him and be gone for days, fully assured in the knowledge that my husband would take good care of her.

In 2022, an insurance policy I subscribed to matured. The money was a lot so I gave it to my husband and asked him to use it to acquire a piece of land for us to start a building project. This man took the money, and told me; “This money is not enough to acquire a piece of land.” I expected him to top up, because that’s what the man I married would have done. However, this time around told me to add more money to it.  I didn’t talk. I just gave him the extra amount he requested.

Could you believe that later his friends accidentally let it slip that my husband bought the land for a cheaper price than I gave him money for? My initial reaction was surprise. When that wore off I became confused. The only question I kept asking was, “Why would he cheat me out of money that I would invest in our building project? It’s not as if the documents are only in my name. It bears both our names so why cheat us?” Although I was disappointed, I didn’t ask him about it. I carried on with our plans and bought sand for work to begin on the land.

Currently, the sand is still sitting on the land. My husband hasn’t made any attempts to add anything to the sand or even to begin the project so I have also forgotten about it.

One day we got into a big fight. While I sought for us to resolve the issue at home, he went to report me to our pastor. After the pastor listened to my side of the story he advised me in front of my husband to make certain changes to restore peace to my home. He said, “Your husband is your head. That is why you should allow him to manage your money.” I was unhappy but I nodded and said okay. I even apologized to my husband for my behaviour.

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When we went home the pastor called and asked if I was free to talk privately. When I said yes he said, “Everything I said in front of your husband was not what I meant to say. I just didn’t want to bruise his ego. Whatever you do, be careful in your dealings with him.” He went on to say that he was happy when my husband said I was the one who gave him money to acquire the land, and that it shows how supportive I am.

My husband’s reasons for demanding I let him control my money are three. The first one is that I am a woman, and women are not supposed to get a lot of money. His other reason is that I don’t have any responsibilities. I am the last born among my siblings and they are all doing well so they don’t need my money. Besides, my parents are not alive for me to take care of. “So what exactly do you need your money for?” He would ask.

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I was surprised all these were coming up all of a sudden. He didn’t bring this up during courtship or in the earlier stages of our marriage so why now? When I looked back I found the answer. Friends. Yes, he started changing the moment he started making friends. Someone who did not want me to use my money even to buy a pin for the house now demands that I contribute equally to the financial upkeep of the home. All because he has chosen to take the counsel of his friends instead of considering the peace in our home.

He is still a good father to our daughter but he has changed toward me. He has also refused to do any chores at home anymore. I have talked to him, prayed for him, and even reported his behaviour to his family but there hasn’t been any change. I believe that as long as those friends remain in his life, I just have to keep praying and hoping for the best. I am sharing my story because of the lady whose husband changed when she got a promotion at work. She should look into his friends too. They could also be the problem.

— Billie

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