I was nineteen when Yuri came to the village to ask for my hand in marriage. My parents had arranged everything but they did not force him on me. I knew about him but I did not get the chance to know him properly before the marriage ceremony. When he came to talk to me he asked if I had any reservations about our impending nuptials. All I said was, “I don’t want to marry a man who takes snuff. The smell puts me off.” He smiled and said, “Then I am your man. You don’t have to worry about me doing snuff because I don’t like it.” That was all I required so it was fine with me that he did not have that problem.

Immediately after we got married, I discovered that my husband had scammed me into the marriage. This man was just sniffing snuff all over the house. I couldn’t stand the smell, nor could I stand him. I felt deceived and cheated somehow. Out of disappointment I packed my bags and tried to return to my family in the village but my mother objected to it. “This is your life now, so stay and make it work. You shouldn’t be running home at the slightest inconvenience.” With nowhere else to go, I had no other choice but to stay.

I sat my husband down and had a conversation with him. I poured out my heart to him; “I am trying to accept the snuff-snorting side of you but it’s hard. The smell of it irritates me. It is the one thing that turns me off about a man. Please put a stop to it for my sake.” I practically begged as I said this, but he looked at me as if I was speaking a language he could not understand. Then he said, “I will see what I can do about it.”

Well, he didn’t see anything. He didn’t even try. Out of frustration, I denied him access to my body. I told him if he continues to smell of snuff, he should not attempt to touch me. This man spun things around and made himself a victim. He said I was starving him sexually because I had gotten another man on the side. I denied his accusations but he was sure he was right. So I let it go and started giving him what he wanted.

My next course of action was pretty drastic. It even affected me more than it did him but I was desperate. What did I do? I stopped bathing. I would go for days without taking a bath, just so I would smell bad. I was convinced that if my smell made him uncomfortable, he would understand how the smell of the snuff made me feel. My dear readers, this man didn’t care.

I had to resume taking my regular baths when I realized how futile my efforts were. Now the snuff has merged with his essence. He reeks of it. When he breathes, you smell it. Even when he sweats, his body odour is snuff. At some point, I even cried and begged him, “Even if you won’t stop, can you forgo the evening ones for me?” When we sleep I want to hold you, instead of us turning our backs to each other as if we are enemies.” Unfortunately, this plea also fell on deaf ears.

It’s been fourteen years now since we last kissed. We live as if we are two roommates raising our three children together. There is no joy in the marriage. There is no excitement in the bedroom. We sleep next to each other but there is no form of physical touch unless he is in the mood to climb me. I don’t even feel anything when he is doing it, but he doesn’t mind. Even if I lie down like a log, it does not bother him. All he wants is to get his pleasure. Once he is done, he rolls over and snores the rest of the night away, while I lie awake feeling sorry for myself.

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The saddest part of our situation is that he doesn’t see anything wrong with the way we live. He thinks we are doing okay so even when I tell him I want more, he dismisses my feelings. I am so unfulfilled with this dull life.

I want to be kissed passionately and held by my man. I want our sex life to be filled with desire, and not just duty. Whenever I watch a romance movie, my whole body burns with need. Need that I cannot go to my husband to satisfy. Oh, I have opened up to him about my feelings. I haven’t hidden anything from him so he knows exactly how I feel and what I want.

I’m Dating Him And His Mother | STORY BOARD

I even told him, “If you don’t make changes, I will find another man and have an affair.” He knows I don’t say things I don’t mean but he still has not changed. So I am convinced that he loves his snuff more than he loves me. That’s why I have decided to go ahead and cheat on him. The only reason I haven’t started is that I have not met any man I like yet.

Am I wrong for making this decision? I am not ready to leave the marriage. I just want to find my own happiness in an unbearable situation. Please, you can go ahead and disagree with me without insulting me. I have already been through enough. I have been managing the situation since I was nineteen, and now I am turning thirty-three. Shouldn’t I also be selfish for once?

— Zihara   

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