Dear Self,

I don’t even know how to start this letter. What do I have to say to you that you don’t already know? After all, you are me. Yes, I admit that it sounds crazy for me to talk to myself. That’s the point I am at currently. This is what he does to me. Or should I say, this is what our relationship does to me? I am not trying to say I love him so much that I am losing my mind over him. No, far from that. We do look like the perfect couple though.

When you see the two of us walking hand in hand on the streets, you would ask yourself, “When will I experience this kind of love?” I see it in their eyes, and it makes me feel bad for them. They have no idea the chaos I deal with on a daily basis because of this man. I miss the peace I used to enjoy as a single woman before he came into the picture.

It’s been four years of drama, heartache, pain, and misery. I say this because everyone in my neighbourhood knows that my man is an unrepentant cheat. I am a laughing stock because of this. He doesn’t even bother to cheat with girls who live far away. It is the ones who live close to me that he goes for. I would be walking in the streets minding my business, only for another girl to show up out of nowhere and start attacking me.

It may not be physical but still, it’s painful. Imagine if someone started shouting at you while clapping their hands and calling you names just because they share the same man with you. It isn’t as if they were with him first. The fact that I remain in the picture after I find out about them angers them. When I say they, I mean plural. Yes, sometimes the girls gang up on me. I don’t know how they find each other and even bond over their shared contempt for me, but it happens.

In all this, the man in question shows no remorse for his actions. When I confront him he would tell me, “All those girls know you are my main woman. They are replaceable but you are the one who owns my heart. So they don’t matter. Don’t pay attention to them.” Of course, we fight over it. When I try to leave him, he tells me no. He would even get my family involved.

They know he cheats. They know about the harassment from his other girls. He tells them, “People tell your daughter to leave me because I am a womanizer, and she listens. Tell her to stop listening to them. It doesn’t matter what the other girls say to her. They all know she is the one who matters to me.” And my family listens to him. I don’t blame them though. If you are not able to take care of your child and someone else is doing it, you can’t even complain when the child is being maltreated. That’s the situation I am in.

My family is not financially stable. After high school, I didn’t have any hope of furthering my education but Daniel came into my life and brought me hope. When he proposed love to me, I told him, “At this stage in my life, I don’t have anything to offer anyone. So I have no business being in a relationship.” He said he didn’t mind. “I have enough to offer both of us. I only want you to love me back the way I love you.” Love doesn’t cost a thing, does it?

So I gave this man all my love. I put him on a pedestal. He was kind to me. Generous too. He made me feel so loved that I had no choice but to empty my heart into his lap. If I were asked to lay down my life for him at that time, I would have done it in a heartbeat. He encouraged me to go back to school. “Just buy the forms. We will take care of the rest when it comes.” When I gained admission, he paid the fees and provided my needs from that point till now. I am in my final year now, and he still takes good care of me.

It makes me wonder how he is able to take care of my physical needs, but my heart is like garbage to him. The way he even flaunts his infidelity says everything about how little he considers my feelings. The people who know us always ask me, “How are you still in a relationship with such a man?” Others also ask, “You are with a man who cheats like this and you don’t cheat back?” No, I don’t. I have always been faithful to him. I have never wanted to be with a cheat either, but here we are.

When strangers see us together and whisper, “He is such a good man. She is a lucky girl, isn’t she?” It is because of the way he holds me. It’s as if he doesn’t even want a grain of sand to scratch me and cause me pain. Meanwhile, he is the cause of my pain.

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I have broken up with him several times but each time he says, “After everything I have done for you, you want to leave me?” On days it works, I just let it go. But when I still insist I am done, he brings in my family. They would tell me, “If you leave him now, how will we pay the rest of your school fees? No relationship is perfect, don’t forget that.”

This is why I am writing this letter to you. I can’t get any support from my family when it comes to him, because they feel their hands are tied. He has succeeded in driving all my friends away with his possessiveness. So I am left with no one to talk to but you. I am not happy. I am messed up because of this relationship yet I am bound to stay because he has done so much for me. They will tag me as the ungrateful girl who left a man who saw her through school. This is why I am still with him.

It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person

I fear for my health but I have also decided to close my eyes and ears to everything he is doing. When I see the girls texting him, I look away. When people call to tell me they saw my man somewhere with another woman, I turn a deaf ear. I don’t love him anymore. I don’t even find him physically appealing anymore. His behaviour has killed everything I once felt for him.

This is not the life I wanted for myself. A cheating partner like him is definitely not the kind of man I want to do life with. Do I choose my happiness and end up looking like a bad person in everyone’s eyes, or do I stay and endure the emotional torture of his indiscretions? I wish I knew what to do.

Yours,

—Priscilla

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