I couldn’t attend events alone because according to him, other men would hit on me. I had to beg him to allow me to attend my best friend’s wedding. I had to inform him way ahead of time so we could negotiate. When a colleague’s mother died and we had to travel for the funeral, he said no. I asked why not and he told me, “You’re going to travel to a village you don’t know for a funeral and spend a night there? What if a strange man hits on you? Anything at all can happen to you. I’m not allowing that.”

“She’s a colleague and everyone at work is attending the funeral. I will be safe there. You don’t have to worry.”

On the said date, he wore his black kaftan, picked up his bag and travelled with me to a funeral he didn’t know who it was for. If I stopped to talk to somebody or shook hands with anyone, I had to explain to him who that person was. I went to the funeral with colleagues but I struggled to relate well with them because my boyfriend was on my neck, dictating who I could talk to and who I could not.

I love him and he loves me too but that’s not how I understand love to be. Love shouldn’t put you in a cage and keep the keys in his pocket. Love is the freedom to fly wherever the wind may take you. It’s the freedom to fly with whoever you want to, especially with birds of the same feathers but Nana doesn’t see it that way. He wants to be there and asks, “Is it necessary to even fly? What if you fall and die? Why are you flying with someone who has a red feather? Those guys are dangerous.”

We had dated for only a month when I saw the symptoms of jealousy and insecurity in him. I thought it was because our love was new. A year later, it became the reason we had our first fight. Two years later, it’s the reason we fight over things we ought not to fight about. It’s the reason I have doubt for the future of this relationship even though he’s the best I’ve ever had in men.

Previously, I attracted men who took me for granted. Men who already had serious girlfriends or even married. I unknowingly gave my all to them until the truth came out. I wasn’t the only woman in their lives and the worse was, I wasn’t even the main woman. I was the one they easily let go when push came to shove.

Nana was different but the way he expressed his love for me was chocking.

I visited him one night with an Uber. He was at the gate when the Uber arrived. I was sitting in front, talking heartily with the driver. Immediately he saw us he frowned. He asked the driver why he made me sit next to him instead of letting me sit in the passenger’s seat at the back. “You wanted to take advantage of her, right? You’ve been changing gears while pressing her thighs, right? You think I don’t know how you guys operate? You do all that to innocent women so you can sleep with them while on the trip, right? Shame on you. We’ll give you one star.”

I was stunned. Even when I tried to pull him away, he forced himself out of my grip and continued attacking the innocent driver. I was in the room with him when the driver texted; “If I were you, I would run for my life. Guys like that will push all your friends away so they can abuse you. I may be wrong but he doesn’t look like a good man. I’m a man. You can trust my judgement.”

Nana was lying in bed, still angry that I allowed myself to sit next to an Uber driver. I asked him, “For how long are you going to act like that? Is it that you don’t trust me or you think the whole world is out there to get me?” He screamed, “I don’t trust people and it surprises me that you trust people so easily. You’re too naive.”

I screamed and he screamed back at me. We were shouting. We were drawing attention. I was tired of him and didn’t care who gets to hear us fighting. I told him, “You’re the only man who likes me. I’ve met people who treated me like a nobody. I’m not the most beautiful woman on earth that every guy would like to date me. No one likes me so stop seeing a ghost.”

That night I decided to take the Uber driver’s advice and walk away. It was more than I could take. I was scared what the driver said might be true. When I left his place the next day, I prayed nothing should lead me back to him. I got home and sent him a text. I told him it was over. His response, he sent a laughing emoji. He didn’t add another word. To prove to him I was serious, I blocked his line and blocked him on Whatsapp.

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He was in my place that very evening. He told me, “If you don’t like me to protect you, I’ll stop. I won’t question your moves and I won’t question who you move with. You want to fly? Do. Do it with any colour of bird you want and I won’t complain. You can trust me on that.”

He was speaking out of frustration.

We had a lengthy conversation where we both reached a point of forgiveness. I forgave him for treating me the way he did and he forgave himself for making me feel bad about the way he expressed his love for me.

We gave our love a new beginning but this beginning is making me question if he still loves me the way he used to. This new beginning actually looks like the beginning of our end.

He looks deflated. He acts uncaring towards me. He doesn’t call until I call. He doesn’t visit as often as he used to. When I tell him I’m going somewhere, he doesn’t ask about the details. He’ll only nod and change the topic. It’s like he’s no longer fighting for anything. Whatever comes his way, he takes it.

I didn’t call him for two days and he didn’t complain. He only texted on the second day and asked, “Are you alright?” I responded, “I’m good and you?”

He said he was fine and that was where the conversation ended. The energy is gone. The connection is not connecting. Everything looks stale and deflated. I only asked him to tone down, I didn’t ask him to take his body away and leave the ghost of himself in the relationship. It’s like he’s out of the relationship without telling me he’s out. I’ve asked questions. I’ve tried to hold hands with him and bring him back to where we used to be. He has refused it. He thinks who he is right now is the best version of himself.

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I don’t like boring. I want to do something to bring him back to where we used to be, without jealousy and insecurity, of course. I want my old Nana back. This one here doesn’t look like he’s in love. We are more like friends now. He doesn’t even touch me unless I force myself on him. No one wants a jealous overprotective man but what’s left of him now is even worse. What should I do to bring him back to the same level again? To the level where I was the centre of his world and would do anything to make me happy.

—Rejoice

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