When he proposed to me, I watched the ring on his finger and said no. I didn’t feel right about dating a married man but Kobby’s situation was different and he was hoping I could understand and be his girlfriend. He didn’t say a word when I said no. I didn’t explain my no. He got up and said he was leaving. I asked if he was angry and he told me, “Do I have the right to be angry? I want you. You don’t want me. What right do I have?”

When I went home, I thought about all the good things Kobby had done for me. I wanted to date him but I knew his wife. I met him through his wife and though his wife had been very sick for almost two years, it didn’t sit right with me to date a sick woman’s husband. What if I take his attention off his sick wife? What if I become the reason the wife suffers?

Thoughts like these kept guilt-tripping me so I decided I would stay far away from him. I resolved not to pick up his calls or respond to his text but I wasn’t strong enough. Anytime he called or came around, I talked to him and went on dates with him as if I everything was right.

I loved him but I wouldn’t allow myself to accept it because of his wife. If he came without a ring on his finger, I swear I would have jumped on him and told him to take me wherever he wanted me. Even when he was married, my heart still wanted him. I think the only reason I fought the urge was because of his wife’s situation but guess what, Kobby wanted to date me because he said he had suffered for far too long due to his wife’s sickness.

His wife was on dialysis. He talked about all the money he had been spending and still not getting results. About the family abandoning his wife and talked about the lack of intimacy between them for two years. “I’m not saying you should replace my wife,” he said. “All your concerns are legitimate but trust me, I’m not going to abandon my wife when you come into the picture. I’ll still care for her and my daughter the same way I’m doing.”

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He broke into my defences. I loved him out of pity but when I said yes to him and we started dating, I saw the kind of man he was so I began loving him genuinely. Whenever he brought his wife to the hospital, I tried my best to help him. I would wheel the woman around. I would give them first-class service hoping that would erase the sins I was committing with her husband.

I was there when his wife was brought to the hospital one last time. She was in a critical condition. Kobby had traveled so it was his sister-in-law who brought his wife that dawn. Kobby cut his travel short and returned to see his wife the following day. A day after his return, his wife died. I wasn’t there when she died but I was the first person he called to break the news.

I cried a little. I gave him my condolences. I tried being his motivation. He said, “I’m alright. She has suffered enough. This should bring her peace at last.”

I was there during the funeral. Before the funeral, he sent his daughter to live with me. I did a lot of heavy lifting for him so he could have the mind to do other things. When he needed money, he came for a loan from me. Right after the funeral, he paid back. He asked for space to go through the traditional rites and also to mourn his wife properly.

During that period, we didn’t talk often. A week will go by without seeing or talking to him. He would appear on WhatsApp, say a word or two and later disappear. When he wanted to travel, he would bring his daughter to stay with me.

Weeks later, I realized there was more to the break than just needing a space to mourn. We were gradually falling apart. I took things in my own hands to repair the break. I pushed on him but he pulled away. I got to know there was another woman involved. It was only three months after the burial but he was seriously entangled with another woman.

I confronted him but he denied the affair between them. Anytime I confronted him, he would come and spend the night with me to prove that nothing was going on. We became fighters rather than lovers. “I’m mourning my wife, please leave me alone,” he would say. I would leave him for a day or two and another woman would take my place. One day I decided I wasn’t going to fight again. I told him to do whatever he wanted.

A little over a year after the burial, he went to perform the knocking rite for another woman while I was living with his eight-year-old daughter. Even with all the glaring evidence, Kobby denied the truth. Not that I believed him but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. The day he came for his daughter, we talked about it. He got angry and stormed out of my place. The next weekend was his traditional wedding.

I sent him a message congratulating him. He read and didn’t respond. A month after his traditional marriage, he came to my house with his daughter, knowing very well I couldn’t fight him in the presence of the girl. He came to apologize, telling me his wife was forced on him but I was the one he truly loved and he would do everything to keep me.

While my heart was breaking, my lips managed to laugh. “All you see in me is a side chick, me boa?” I asked him. “Thank you for loving me the way you describe it. It’s not your fault. The fault is all mine and I believe this is my punishment for dating a sick woman’s husband.”

When he left, I closed the door behind him and closed the door to my heart. I blocked his lines and blocked his chats. He called with different lines. He came knocking at my door. When I saw his face, I went back in and turned the volume of the TV up so I wouldn’t hear him talking or knocking.

The next time he came around, I asked him, “Do you want me to tell your wife everything you’re doing? I have messages to show her and your daughter will be my witness.”

He didn’t come back again. That’s how much he loves his wife. It hurts but I accepted my place and learned to move on. It was a phase. It faded.

—Arabel

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