Two months into the relationship, Abeiku proposed marriage. I was like, “Seriously? You want to marry a girl you met only two months ago? We barely know each other.” I laughed it off but he told me he was serious and I told him to take it slowly until we were sure of what we were getting ourselves into. I was keeping myself from him but the fact that he mentioned marriage made me realise he was a good man and had good intentions for me. So I opened up completely to him and gave every bit of me to him.

He was living in his friend’s house because according to him, he was transferred to our town not long ago and was yet to secure accommodation. Whenever we wanted to meet, we met at his friend’s place. His friend had to make a conscious effort to give us space each time we were around. Plus, his friend also didn’t like my presence that much. He frowned anytime I was around. I didn’t like it. It made me feel uncomfortable so each time we had to meet, I asked him to come over to my place.

He never came empty-handed. He would come with my favourite drinks or come with a bag full of groceries. I loved him for the little things he did but I wasn’t ready to jump into marriage with him because of that. I wanted to know him more. I wanted to know about his family. I wanted to meet them and see if they liked me that much. I wanted to be part of his family but I wanted to do it slowly and naturally.

One day I asked about his family and when we were going to meet them. A spark shone in his eyes and that spark translated into full-blown smiles. He said, “If you want to meet them today, we can go and see them. Are you ready? Should we go?” I responded, “Why are you always in a hurry? Where are we going? Take it slowly dear, we’ll always be here.” I advised him to go home and make arrangements with them before I go with him. He didn’t go home often but I was patient with him. One day he came from home and I asked if he discussed it with his parents. He sighed heavily. He didn’t look pleased. As if there was something bothering him. I pressed him for a long time before he said, “I spoke to them about you. The problem is, mom doesn’t like your tribe but dad is cool with it.”

I said, “You see why I told you to talk to them first? Just imagine what would have happened if I had followed you there. I asked about the next plan and he said, “It’s not a huge problem though. Mom will change her mind soon and we’ll be fine. As long as my dad doesn’t have issues with  it, we can rest assured that things will work in our favour in the end.”

We spent almost a year together and I still didn’t know his family. He always played the tribal card and asked for more time to convince his mom. I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend everything was alright so I told him, “I know how you men put your mothers in high esteem. I’m not pressuring you to marry me but I think it’s about time I met someone in your family. If you think you can’t change your mother’s mind, then it’s better we break up.” He accused me of nagging and hit back at me, “I’m sick and tired of all this. If it’s a breakup that you want, then just go straight to the point and stop using my situation as an excuse.”

It turned into an argument. He said a lot of hurtful things to me and I responded in equal measure. That day we broke up and swore not to talk to each other again. A week later I was missing him but I was steadfast. I wasn’t going to call him. My pride wouldn’t let me and I was ready to move on without him. Just when I thought we had ended, he called one night telling me he missed me. I had no defences so he broke into me and swept me off my feet again. I remember that night I begged him to come around and he did. We had the best night together and promised each other that we were never going to leave again.

I learned one thing. If you don’t resolve the reason you broke up before getting back together, you’ll definitely break up again. We were back together but our problem never went away so we kept fighting here and there. At some point, I felt he was lying to me so I asked him to let me speak with his mom on the phone. He said it was a bad idea. I insisted until he told me to be patient until he informs his mom about me calling her. He kept making excuses. I kept feeling he was hiding something from me. One day he told me he was going on leave. He promised he would do his best and work on his mom and come back with good news for us. I didn’t believe him but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

This guy went home and we kept talking. I didn’t ask about the progress with his mom but he kept telling me things were moving well. I woke up one morning and saw plenty of his missed calls. I checked my Whatsapp and there was a message he sent around 1:00 AM. He said, “Hannah, I’m married and I don’t think I can continue with you again.” The message felt so off that I thought it was a joke. I called him right away and he picked up. He repeated what he said in the message and I laughed. I asked, “Married? How? When did you get married? If it’s a joke then it’s not funny. Come off it.”

He said he was serious and that he got married when he got home because he knew his mom wasn’t going to agree to our marriage. I was getting angry. I felt he was playing on my intelligence. I screamed, “So you were planning your wedding while you were with me? You can’t tell me you went home and bought a wife from the market. What are you telling me?” He kept apologizing. His excuse was that he didn’t want to hurt me but he didn’t also want to waste my time knowing very well that his mom wasn’t going to agree to our relationship.

READ MORE: I Was Happy When His Girlfriend Broke Up With Him But That Happiness Didn’t Last

I remember cutting the call and breaking down in my bed. I cried all morning and called the office that I was sick and couldn’t come to work. I was angry with myself and was angry with the world. How did I let that happen to me without picking a hint of it? I was in bed crying when a number called. When I answered she introduced herself as Abeiku’s wife. I sat up immediately, ready to attack but she was calm and very polite. She asked if I’d read the message and if I’d called Abeiku. She was very reflective in her speech. I told her I’d called him and told her everything Abeiku told me. She burst out laughing. “So when will this guy ever learn to tell the truth?”

I asked about the lie and she told me, “Last night I was the one calling you because I read your messages on his phone. When you didn’t pick up, I woke him up and confronted him. I was the one who forced him to send that message. And he said what? He married me because his mom didn’t accept your tribe? He doesn’t even have a mother. We’ve been married for four years and have two kids. This guy is a devil. Madam, don’t let him go scot-free. I’m handling him here. Feel free to deal with him however you want. If he did this to you, then he can kill you. It’s not even his first time. You’re the third woman I’ve caught him with since we got married but your issue is more serious.”

I felt like dying. Because I was crying, it made her also cry. She apologized to me as if she was the one who hurt me. When she hung up, I called Abeiku. I called several times and he didn’t pick up. He even blocked my line and blocked me on Whatsapp. Two weeks later, I went to his friend’s house to check if he had returned. His friend was very unfriendly to me and even insulted me so I left. The next day, I went to his office and they said he hadn’t returned. Each time I woke up, I had revenge on my heart but whenever I went to his office he hadn’t returned. The anger was consuming me so I channelled my energy into prayers instead. Whenever I thought of hurting him I prayed. Slowly, I was healing but the thought of hurting him didn’t leave me.

I called his wife one day and she said she had started the divorce process. “You’re leaving him?” I asked surprised. She said, “This is the third time. A man who will change won’t commit the same sin thrice. I will die and he’ll live happily if I don’t leave.” I told her, “I’m rooting for you because you’re a nice person. Do what makes you happy.”

I Didn’t Marry You To Become A Baby-Making Machine—Beads Media

It felt like she told me what I needed to hear. After the conversation with her, my heart calmed and my world stayed serene as if I’d been taken out of a noisy place. I told myself, “I’ll leave him to suffer the divorce. That’s enough to teach him a lesson.” I stopped looking for him and started looking for myself–the pieces of me I lost during the hard times. So far so good. I still get flashes of the pain but I’m better. I’m even in a place where I can give love a chance again because I’m a woman who loves to be loved.

 

— Hannah

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