I met Kwame during my internship in a food processing company. He was so strict all the interns didn’t like him. He made no room for mistakes. He often said “We are making these products for humans. We cannot afford to make mistakes.” I liked him because of this. I liked and admired his dedication to work.

The first day we met at the same unit, I was sick. I found it difficult to tell my immediate superior so I forced myself to work. His ever-vigilant eyes noticed I wasn’t well so he approached me. He suggested I get medical care and offered to take me to a doctor friend of his who worked in a nearby medical facility. After our visit to the doctor, he took me to his house, which was close to the company to rest. Before he went back to work, he made me a fruit salad, took my number, and tucked me in. He called to check up on me at regular intervals and when I couldn’t answer his calls, he came to check if I was okay. He did that till he finally closed from work.

I was in my second year at the university and around 22years then. I didn’t know much about love. I’d never had a boyfriend then. Kwame’s kindness felt like love to me. After that day, I felt drawn to him and he felt the same way too. We became good friends until one day he proposed.

I told him, “Give me some time to think about it.” He said, “Okay, take as long as you need.” I took the time to ask around about him. Everyone I spoke to said nothing but good things about him. I accepted his proposal on condition. That we will not have sex until we are married. He was okay with my condition so the relationship proceeded happily. He took me home after work, brought me a homemade breakfast at work every morning, and bought me lunch every afternoon. He came to work on his days off so he could keep me company. He even gave me massages without getting handsy with me. If the massage turned him on, he’d go for a walk to cool off.

He was a perfect gentleman. I loved him more because of all these good things he brought to light each day. He was all I talked about day in and day out. His name became common in my conversations at home so my family got to know he was my boyfriend, except my father who thought he was just a friend. Just after a year, he started getting touchy. It’s true what they say, “Man no be firewood.” We broke some Of the rules. We did things that we agreed we wouldn’t do but we didn’t go all the way. The rate at which Kwame wanted shuperu was frightening. I tried to control the situation. I gave him space and even threatened him with breakups. He would apologize. I’ll start visiting him. His urge for shuperu will hit the rooftop and I will back off again. I gave him a long break thinking that would be the permanent solution to his urges.

It was during that long break that I ran into an old friend. I had completed school and was working then. This friend of mine was someone I came into contact with when I was in my first year. He proposed to me and I didn’t say yes or no. Actually, I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I couldn’t tell him. I kept stringing him along and giving him stories until he gave up and stopped following me around. But somehow, fate led him to the town I was working at a time when I was on a long break with Kwame. We talked briefly and exchanged contacts. The next day he came to see me. We reminisced about our time in school and all the stress I put him through when he wanted to be with me. “You didn’t even give me a chance to prove my love for you,” he said. I laughed shyly.

After his visit he called; “You know what? You never gave me an answer to my proposal. It’s been years but I still want an answer.” At that moment I was ready for him but I was still officially with Kwame so I told him I’d think about it. He did things that won me over. He called, texted, checked up on me, picked me up from work, took me out on dates, got me gifts, and did many other things. He even spoke to our mutual friends to put in a good word for him.  He did everything to prove how much he wanted me.

I told myself “He’s a nice guy. Very handsome and doing okay but there’s Kwame. Let me enjoy his friendship and see where it goes.” It wasn’t working between me and Kwame. He didn’t stop making demands to satisfy his urgings. I told my old friend about him and how bad things were going; “We keep having the same problems and the same argument. At this point, I’m going to end things with him. You should also know that I like you. Allow me to officially end things with my boyfriend so we see about us.”

His presence in my life probably made it easier and faster to break up with Kwame. When I finally called it quits, Kwame took it pretty hard. He did things to get me back but I was already gone. I walked away from him and forged ahead with my old friend turned new love. As our love bloomed, his past and his history with women haunted us at every turn. Almost everyone who saw me with him advised, “He’s a bad boy.” “ He’s a womanizer” “He will hurt you.” But who can advise a girl in love? I ignored all gossip and hearsay.

At a point, I saw some red flags which I should have paid attention to. He has a child with another woman. That was enough red flag to confirm what others have already said but I took it lightly. We talked about it. He promised he had nothing to do with his baby mama. He said, “I have zilch feelings for her. Her behavior during the pregnancy took everything away from me. I don’t like her one bit.”

When he proposed marriage. I accepted. Not too long afterward, we got married. I thought marriage was going to change him into a better version of himself. He even assured me that all the red flags I complained about were going to change color after marriage. I believed him.

Now we are here. He’s my husband and I’m his wife but nothing has changed. The red flags are still flying so high. I’m choking. The slightest thing I do makes him livid. Oftentimes, he doesn’t talk to me. He goes out without telling me and comes in when he wants to. He decides when to eat my food and when not to. Suddenly he has forgotten how to show care and affection. He doesn’t even notice it when I’m not fine and when he does, he doesn’t care.

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He talks to ladies behind my back. I found out when I went through his phone. About 80% of the women he chats with do not know that he’s married. One of the few who knows he is married is his baby mama. He told me he doesn’t talk to her but suddenly after marriage, he has started speaking with her. They talk and make a mockery of me in their conversations. She makes silly comments about me and my husband will laugh. One of her texts really cut me. She said “You’ve been married for a while but she hasn’t given you a child. You can talk to your parents so that I will give you another baby.” My husband replied “You’re crazy” and added laughing-till-I-cry emojis.

In the early stages of marriage, I got pregnant. He convinced me to get rid of it because he wasn’t ready. Now he talks to his baby mama and makes a mockery of my inability to give birth. I think about those messages and I asked myself, “Why did I even agree to that idea?” I’m here taking concoctions and herbs in an attempt to gain a blessing I wasted some time back. The sad part is, he isn’t playing any role to help minimize my fears.  I’ve gone to see medical doctors and herbal doctors. He has never for once asked, “How did it go?” or “What did the doctor say?”

I don’t know where we are heading to. And I can’t talk to anybody because from the outside, our marriage looks perfect. Even my own family thinks my marriage is the best so how do I go to them and tell them otherwise? And which of my friends do I talk to? The ones I ignored because of him?

I’m depressed and very frustrated right now. On countless occasions, I’ve tried to draw his attention to what his current attitude is doing to me emotionally. He hasn’t changed a thing. It feels like he knows exactly where it hurts and he keeps hitting there. It seems I chose the wrong man and now I have to live with my bad choice. I feel lonely and lately bad thoughts cloud my mind. I’m sharing my story here with the hope to get submissions that will put my mind at ease and help better my condition. I will read every comment, I hope no one judges me.

—Lois

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