Before I met Eugene, I had been dating Eli for about four years. My relationship with Eli had always been on-and-off, and after five years together, there was still no indication that he was ready to take things to the next level. Any time I brought up marriage, he became irritated. At some point it dawned on me that he was not responsible in managing his own life, let alone ready to be responsible for me.

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I finally decided to move on when I found out that Eli was cheating on me with several women—some who visited him at home and others he was involved with at his workplace.

During this period, Eugene kept pursuing me with his proposal even though I clearly told him I was in a relationship. He never gave up on having me. He involved everyone who knew me at work and even managed to locate my house and spoke to my neighbours. One day, he asked my boss at work to talk to me on his behalf. He swore he was serious about marriage. “If she says yes today, I will marry her today.”

Despite his exuberance, I had my reservations about Eugene. Sometimes he would go an entire weekend without picking up my calls. On some evenings he was unreachable. He always had an explanation, though. There was also a lady he constantly communicated with during the same period he was showing interest in me. According to him, she had expressed interest in him, but he made it clear that he was not interested.

I wasn’t sure about him but he was relentless. A few months after moving on from Eli, I agreed to give him a chance. Immediately after I agreed that we should get to know each other and see the way forward, he visited my parents to introduce himself and promised to return for the marriage rites.

It has now been three years since I accepted his proposal, but up to this point we still do not have a clear plan for our future together. He always has a reason we cannot get married now. Even when I suggested that we could have a child and plan the marriage later, he disagreed. I am currently in my thirties, a government-employed teacher, who has been working for the past nine years. He is also permanently employed in a government department and holds a good position. We are both financially secure so I am surprised that he still avoids discussing marriage.

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We do not live together because of work, but he visits me most weekends when he is not working or busy. We are usually more comfortable at my place because I stay alone and have everything available. I hardly visit him since he lives with some family members.

My major concern now is that this same lady I once saw him communicating with remains in the picture. She still calls whenever he is with me, although he never answers her calls in my presence. When I check his call logs, I see they have been talking regularly on weekdays. They speak in the mornings, afternoons, and sometimes as late as 10 p.m. Yet he continues to deny having anything to do with her.

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He claims they only communicate on weekdays because of some work they are doing together, and that he avoids answering her calls on weekends because he doesn’t want her interfering with his personal life. But I am really confused. What if they are actually dating and he is using different excuses on both of us? There are nights when he won’t pick my calls and sometimes even an entire weekend, yet whenever he is physically present with me, he behaves as if no one else exists.

Or is it possible that the lady knows he is in a relationship but is still choosing to entertain whatever connection they have? I don’t want to waste another year and end up like I did with Eli. I genuinely want to move on from Eugene and count my losses, but I need to know whether I am overthinking or if this is the right decision to make at this point.

—Kardy

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