I’m sharing this story to free my heart. I’ve been harboring the feeling for so long but in the end, I’m the one hurting. There should be a place where I let it all out and be free and I believe this is the place for me.

We dated for about four years. The relationship started when he was in Bible school. I supported him in my own little ways. The support from me came naturally because I really loved him. He’s a pastor, the shepherd of a flock so I thought my heart would be safe. The lamb is safe in the hands of the shepherd; “My heart would be too,” So I thought. I stuck with him through Bible school and on his graduation day I sent him a cake. I sent it to him anonymously. A cake without a name. In my mind, he would read between the lines and see where the cake was coming from.

He didn’t text or call to say thank you. I wondered why. “Or he’s thinking it came from someone else? Can anyone send him a cake apart from me? Does that mean there are other people in his life?” I waited for his call for two days. When the call wasn’t coming, I called; “Did you receive my cake?” He sounded very pleased, “Oh it was you? I didn’t know it was you. Thank you very much, my dear, it was so lovely.”

I wasn’t happy with his attitude toward the gift but I let it go. “He is a pastor. A shepherd of a flock. He won’t hurt one of his flocks on purpose.” I said to myself. But the days ahead were going to reveal who he truly was, whether he was the true shepherd or the one who walked around in sheep’s clothing, deceiving the flocks of the real shepherd.

He had completed Bible school but I was still supporting him. I was working. I was earning a wage. All he had was the pastoral ministry, which wasn’t bringing him anything at that point.  I often visited him. He was living in his parents’ house then but he never introduced me to them. His parents saw me all the time but they didn’t know who I was to him. They might have thought I was one of his church members or anybody at all he moved around with. I wasn’t happy about it but I couldn’t get him to do what I wanted. When he decided to move out of his parents’ house, it was me he came to for help. I gave him GHC 2000 to add to his money. I gave him a weekly allowance so he could get by. I thought we had a future together so I did everything in my power to make him comfortable.

While I was doing everything to make things work, he wasn’t putting in an effort to meet me halfway. He wouldn’t call until I called. I made excuses for him, “He is a pastor, the shepherded of a flock. He must be busy shepherding his flocks to pasture.” I’ve often heard that men put in an effort for the women they love but I thought my case was different. There were times my instincts told me that he was cheating on me but I filed it under paranoia. To clear my conscience I told him, “I don’t feel right about us. Are you sure this is going to work out in the end?” He assured me, “Trust me. Everything is going to be fine.”

I believed him. I was one of his sheep. I knew his voice and I believed whatever came from his voice. One day I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw that he had posted pictures of himself and ladies were commenting “love” “love” under the post. I asked him about it and he said it was just social media vibes. I trusted him.

Along the line, he started pressuring me for sex. I didn’t understand why a pastor would want to fornicate. “Dear, we are Christians and as a pastor you should know better,” I told him. “If you really want to sleep with me then marry me.” He assured me that we would get married. It didn’t stop there. Weeks later, he came back again looking for the same thing. Another time he had the sexual urge again and I told him the same thing. He said, “If you won’t let me do it right now then I should be worried. When I marry you, I would be sexually starved.” His behavior changed because of that. When I call to talk to him, he’d give me reasons why he can’t talk. Sometimes he would answer and say “Let me call you back.” He wouldn’t call back.

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A prophet friend of mine called me out of the blue one day. He said, “I’ve seen something I need to tell you. The man you are in a relationship with is sleeping with other people because you’re not giving it to him.” This prophet has never lied or given a false prophecy, and I felt in my spirit that he was telling the truth. I cried that day. I didn’t confront him or say anything to him. I was scared of losing him. By 2020, our relationship was three years old but we hadn’t had sex. I asked him about our marriage plans and he said “Whenever you attend people’s wedding, you come back and give me pressure to marry you. Why do you do that? If I could afford to marry, we would have been married by now.” I apologized for bringing up marriage when he wasn’t ready to hear it. So, we hang in there, with no talk of the future.

Then the pandemic hit the world. Ghana went on lockdown. We had a fight. I don’t even remember what the fight was about except that we didn’t speak to each other for over a month. Even with that, I was the one who called him. He didn’t sound pleased to hear my voice; “What do you want?” I told him “I miss you and I want to see you. I want to talk to you.” He asked if I wanted to talk about us. I answered “Yes.” He said, “As a matter of fact, there is no more ‘us.’ I broke up with you long ago but you just didn’t know it.” I couldn’t believe my ears. What did I ever do to him? That night I cried my eyes out. The pain I felt was so unbearable.

Our relationship ended in August 2020. A year later, he was getting married. I don’t know what I did differently from what the woman he married did. He didn’t have money when he was with me but just under a year, he had gathered enough money to marry someone else. I loved him wholeheartedly and he did this to me. Was it my sin to stay chaste for God? I am pained and hurt. I have vowed never to date a pastor again. Wherever he is I wish him well. I won’t curse him but God will fight for me.

—BB          

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