I’m not faithful. That’s my only problem in life. I’m not faithful to the people I date, I’m not faithful to myself and I’m not faithful to the promises I make. Wherever there’s faithfulness, you shouldn’t see my name there. I know this and I’m trying to mend my ways.

My love life has been messy. I’ve cheated on anyone I ever dated. When I date the rich, I cheat on him with the poor. When I date a good man, I cheat on him with the wrong guy. And I’m so dumb about hiding things that whenever I cheat, they catch me and they leave.

I was dating Solo. He was good to me but he was traveling a lot so I dated his friend on the side. He would call in the night while I was with his friend. We’ll talk as if all is well but deep down, his friend’s finger would be stuck inside my body. I did that for a year until one day, he read the messages and left me stranded in the relationship. His friend wanted to take over but he was the reason I lost my Solo so I left him too.

The next relationship was toxic for me. The guy simply didn’t care so I found solace in his junior brother. His junior brother was a better lover but I didn’t meet him early. Luckily for us, he didn’t catch me with his brother. He caught me with another guy who just entered the frame. He left me but his junior brother stayed until I found another man and added him to the mix.

I’m thirty. Life is fast passing me by. I have to change. I prayed about it. I fasted about it; “Dear God, I’m not asking for a Bugatti. I’m here asking for the simplest thing your grace can offer. It’s even less than the mustard seed you talked about in the Bible. Make me faithful. I’m ready. “

There’s this Pastor who was helping me in prayers. Now, the pastor has fallen for me down flat, talking about marriage and all. I told him he should give me enough time to heal but this man of God tells me he can’t pray very well because of me. I should say yes to him to calm his restless heart.

I know myself. I’m praying but I still feel the old feeling in my spirit. I told the pastor, “I’m sick ooo. I have a beautiful face but my heart is the darkest place to be. Allow me to heal completely before we do this.”

Pastor says he’s ready to be with me physically and in prayers too to expedite my healing. Now I’m the one asking if he’s a red flag.

The irony of life. Red flag looking at another flag and wondering if it’s red. He’s been pushy. He’ll call at dawn and we’ll pray. At some point, he’ll make his love for me a prayer topic and ask God to reveal his true intention to me. From all indications, if I avail myself to this man, he’ll do me something. I don’t mind but I’m thinking about the future of us. Is it possible for the fish and the bird to fall in love?

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—Vanessa

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