The Mother Of My Child Needs My Help But My Wife Says No

I met a lady during my national service days. I liked her but only as a friend. In all our interactions, I never did anything to give her the impression that I was interested in her. And she didn’t seem interested in me either. So we were on the same page, or that’s what I thought. One day we were hanging out when things got heated between us. Logic flew out the window, and lust took over. By the time we realized we had done it, shuperu. 

After that affair, she got pregnant. I accepted the responsibility for it and took care of her and the pregnancy. After she delivered her family asked, “When are you coming to perform the marriage rites?” I took the moment to explain the nature of our relationship to them; “Your daughter is a wonderful person but she is not someone I want to marry. I will do my best to take care of our child but that’s just it.” Of course, they were not happy to hear this but they couldn’t have forced me to marry her either. We had to just understand each other and do what was necessary for our son.

Things were going smoothly until our baby got sick one day. Their local clinic couldn’t do much for him so he was referred to a hospital in the community I was working in. By the time the doctor finished attending to them, it was late. I couldn’t have sent them back that night so I took them to my place. I made sure they were settled and comfortable while I slept on the floor. The next day, I offered to help them get a car home and this girl refused. When I asked why she said, “The baby has been given some drugs. It will help if we stay close just in case the drugs don’t work and we have to go back to see the doctor.” It made sense so I let her stay. 

A couple of days later, I realized that our son was doing well and they could go back. When I suggested she leaves, she refused again. This time she didn’t have an excuse. She just told me, “I am not leaving. We have a child together and he needs both of his parents.” That day we argued and I got a car to take them home. When I returned from work, she was in my room. She had gone to bring their belongings and unpacked them. “How did you get into my room? Did you break the door?” I asked. She just waved a set of keys at me; “I duplicated the keys because I knew you would try to force me out.” I couldn’t believe it. I was so angry I stepped out to cool my head. On my way out, some of my co-tenants spoke to me. “Why are you doing that to the young lady? She is a nice girl, marry her.” Another co-tenant asked, “Why would you have a baby with someone and refuse to marry her? Don’t do that, it’s not nice.” 

I didn’t need to be told that she had gone to tell them my business. If not for her, the only thing I ever said to those people was “Hello … Hi”. She made my life uncomfortable but I couldn’t throw her out because of our son. While we shared the same room, I never touched her. I started looking for jobs in different towns. Eventually, I got one that even offered me accommodation and I took it. I moved away and left her in my single-room apartment. Because of the baby, I visited on weekends and on my days off. During one of my visits she told me; “I have gone for the five-year contraceptive. I am completely safe now.” I was confused, “Why are you telling me this? Whatever you do with your body is none of my business. I don’t plan on ever touching you again.” She just shrugged and responded, “I am just telling you so that you will know.” I ignored her and the conversation ended there. 

Later that year during the Christmas break, I went to visit them. Somehow we got carried away by the festivities and before I realized it, we were in bed together. A mistake I very much regretted. I remember telling her that what happened was not meant to happen. I apologized for letting my feelings get the best of me and promised her it wouldn’t happen again. She just nodded and accepted whatever I said. I didn’t even consider asking her to take the postpill because she had told me she was on a contraceptive. Dear readers, one month later, she came to tell me that she was pregnant. My reaction was “How? You told me about the family planning you did.” I was angry and disappointed in myself for falling into her carefully laid-out trap. I knew I had no one to blame but myself so I sucked it up and took responsibility for my actions.

After the delivery of my second child, a beautiful girl, her family asked me to marry her. I informed them that I can’t. I know how this makes me look but I know myself. I could never be happy married to her. Her family was furious, “After two children, you are still telling us that you won’t marry her?” They tried to put pressure on me but my mind was made up. Later, my family held a meeting with her family to discuss compensation. All hell broke loose during that meeting. It’s a miracle that things didn’t end up in a brawl as a result of the insults and threats both families hurled at each other. The meeting had to end and another one was rescheduled. During the second meeting, the lady’s family charged me an amount of money to pay for compensation. They also tasked me to enrol her in an apprenticeship. I agreed to their terms and did exactly as they asked. 

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Later along the line I met the woman of my dreams and married her. Three months after our marriage I travelled outside the country. After I left, my baby mama started giving my wife problems. She insulted her at the least chance. As if that wasn’t enough she went round telling people that my wife snatched her husband from her. I felt the best thing to do was to help her move on with her life so I offered to take the kids from her. I explained my reasons to her; “I want you to concentrate on your apprenticeship, and also have the opportunity to meet people. Maybe if the children are not living with you, a man will be interested in marrying you.” She agreed nicely and I put things into motion. By then our son was six, and our daughter was four. Our son went to live with my wife, while our daughter lived with my mother.

Two months later, I heard she went to my mother’s place, insulted her, and took our daughter away. About a year later, she went with her mother to my wife’s place and took our son. The kids are seven and five now and they are in expensive schools, which I solely pay for. I make sure these children don’t lack anything but somehow their mother always finds fault with me. She calls me names like “foolish man, thick head, stupid man” whenever she gets the chance. Usually, I tell her, “As you keep insulting me, remember that I am the only one taking care of our children. And one day you might need my help for yourself as well.” 

As if I have the gift of foresight, now this lady needs my help to pay her rent. I have been told that she owes one year’s rent and her landlord is threatening to throw her out. 

She sent me a voice note saying, “Please help me pay my rent. I don’t have any money. And if the landlord sacks me, I don’t have anywhere to go with the children.” When I discussed it with my wife, she said “Don’t pay for any rent. That girl is ungrateful. Let her take the children to your mother and find someplace to perch.” If I listen to my wife’s advice, it will mean the kids would have to quit their school and enrol in another school in my mother’s community. With the way this lady has insulted me too if I help her my wife will be offended. I am so confused right now. What should I do?

-Jude