I am a child of divorce. My parents decided to end their marriage before I was barely four years old. My mum left me with my dad while she went out there to find all the parts of herself she lost to her husband. Yes, I am convinced my dad was the problem because the next woman he married after my mum couldn’t stay either. I went through a lot of struggles in her hands and the hands of all the other stepmothers who raised me. Every time I went through a difficult time, I promised myself that I wouldn’t do this to my children. I wouldn’t let a stepmother raise them.

Due to the hardships I endured, I made a decision to get married first, before I ever have kids. The plan was to fall in love with a good man, get married, and raise our children in a happy home. I didn’t ask for too much. Only that I get to experience all the love and happiness I didn’t experience growing up.

Unfortunately for me, life offered me no compensation for my childhood troubles. All my relationships have ended in one heartbreak after the other. When I got to my thirties, some well-meaning people in my life advised me, “If marriage is not coming your way, why don’t you have kids? Your biological clock is not ticking backwards, you know?” Yes, they were right but raising kids by myself is not the life I want for myself or my children. So I refused to bow to societal pressures.

Somewhere in March 2023, a distant cousin of mine introduced me to a man who lives in the UK. When we first started talking, the man said he was forty-five years old. I was then thirty-five, so I agreed to manage the ten-year age gap. However, when we started exchanging pictures, I noticed that the man was older than forty-five. I sent his pictures to a few friends with the caption, “Guess this person’s age.” Every one of them said he must be in his fifties. They all confirmed my doubts.

I went back to ask the man to tell me the truth about his age and it turned into an argument. After the back and forth, he admitted that he was in his fifties.

Now, there’s something else. He has been married twice and divorced twice. He told me, “My first wife gave me three children. Our first child who is twenty-five, also lives here in the UK with her husband and child.” I asked him what led to the divorce but he refused to tell me. When it came to his second marriage too, he was tight-lipped about the way it ended.

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His only interest is that I should marry him. I would always respond, “How do you expect me to marry you when you won’t disclose the issues that led to the breakup of both your marriages to me? Honestly, I won’t marry you if I don’t know the reasons.” And he would answer, “What has my past got to do with the future that I want with you?” That is what I get whenever the subject comes up.

When I look into myself, I know that I don’t wish to marry a man like him. But what are my other options? The young men in my age group are mostly married. Those who are not married too are difficult to keep because most of them want younger women.

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This is why I am in a dilemma. I don’t know whether to let go of my childhood dreams and give this old man a chance or keep waiting and praying for a man in my age group.

While I wait, I am turning thirty-seven in November. My mother and other close relatives are also on my neck that I should have kids. They never cease to remind me that age is catching up with me and that my biological clock is ticking. What do I do?

— Kuuks

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