When I met my husband and we started a relationship, nothing suggested we were going to get married. He wasn’t the kind of man to wear his emotions on his sleeve. I found him too stiff to want to settle down, but along the line, he asked me if I would marry him. I was like, “What kind of question is that? Ask me properly, and I’ll answer you.”

I asked why he wanted me to marry him. Of all the reasons he gave me, “Because I love you” wasn’t one—and that was all I wanted to hear.

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Throughout our relationship, he avoided the word love as if he’d be charged for using it. He didn’t say he loved me when he proposed. He didn’t say it when I did something he liked. He would write me messages and still not use “I love you” anywhere. Even when I said, “I love you” to him and wanted to hear him say it in return, all he said was, “You know I do too.”

“You know I do too” isn’t the same as “I love you too.”

In our fifth year of marriage, he had a major issue at work. The issue involved money, which eventually led to him losing his job and becoming entangled in a court case. He had to pay the money or risk imprisonment.

We had two kids and other burdens, but we started selling everything we owned just to offset the loss. He sold his car, we sold our building at the lintel level, and we even sold another piece of land, but it still wasn’t enough. We had to turn to friends for help.

Many of them gave us loans—a lot of loans—before we were finally able to settle what my husband owed. Soon, the people we owed started knocking on our door for their money.

Every knock became terrifying because we knew what it meant. My husband would run and hide, and I would face the person at the door. The insults, the abuse, the spitting-on-the-face—I bore it all because there was nothing else I could do. Sometimes my husband would come out of his hiding place with tears in his eyes.

When my dad passed away, he left me an inheritance. The first thing I did was sell the house he left me to help pay off everyone we owed. After good health, the next most underrated blessing is a debt-free life. You don’t realize it until you’re finally out of debt.

We had finished paying off the loans, but every knock on the door still traumatized my husband. If we were inside and heard someone making noise outside, he’d get anxious. One day, someone knocked on the door, and my husband ran out of the hall. Old habits die hard, they say.

One day, there was a knock at the door, and we both turned to look at each other. He smiled, and I smiled back. I went to see who it was. It turned out to be my daughter’s friend, who had come to play with her. When I returned to my seat, my husband, still smiling and looking at me, said, “Do you know I…”

I finished his sentence in my head: “…love you so much.”

But no, he didn’t say that. Instead, he said, “Do you know I’m proud of you? You’re the best decision I’ve ever made.”

I Accepted His Proposal When I Hadn’t Met Him Physically

Fourteen years and many troubles later, this man still avoids the word love as if saying it would bring him back into debt. But I’m not offended, sad, or disappointed. I’ve come to realize that some people won’t say it but will act it out every day. If you asked me to choose between the one who says it and the one who acts it out, I would choose both if I could. But you know what? Who he is makes me happy, and maybe that’s his way of saying, “I love you.”

— Wendy

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