We met in school. Young love with the desire to grow into something great. He told me I was the best thing that happened to him. I told him he should hold my hand until we walked the aisle.
We were in school so the expectations we had from each other were low. I didn’t expect him to take care of me but he did his best. He would take me to programs and pay for it. When he had money, he took me out and had fun. On my part, I gave him gifts and the gifts of self. I celebrated him every day and showed him off to the world.
He was an engineering student. His course was tough. He had to learn every day and had projects he was always doing but he never put me on the side. He made time for me and made time for our love.
During graduation when my parents came around, I introduced him to them as the man who helped me through it all. I didn’t say he was my boyfriend but after the introduction, my mom said, “This your husband is very calm. I hope he’s just as he appears.”
His parents didn’t attend the graduation but he introduced me to the family who came around. It was hard for us to go our separate ways since school was over but we knew love would make a way. Our last night on campus, I cried in his arms. He promised he wouldn’t stay away from me though the distance between us was worlds apart.
National service was the most difficult part of our love story. We were both thrown into villages that made it harder for us to meet. Even when we were willing to travel to see each other, bad roads and decrepit busses made it almost impossible for us to meet.
He kept his promise and I kept mine. He came around once in a while. I did the same too. It turned out that once in a while was all we needed to keep the flame burning.
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After national service, he was retained where he did his service. He worked for only three months and stopped. He didn’t like the distance from home and also didn’t enjoy the village life. He complained the salary was too small. I wasn’t working but I encouraged him to stay on until something came along. He didn’t listen to me. He resigned and went back home to help his father run his small poultry farm. He told me it wouldn’t be long until he landed a good job.
Three years later, he was still working on his father’s farm. I had a bad job, worked for a year and resigned because a good one came along. He hadn’t tried to look for a job in two years because according to him, they didn’t call him and when they did, they wasted his time and didn’t give him the job. When I applied for him and he was called, he told them he didn’t remember applying for such a job so he didn’t attend the interview.
I have no problem with him working on his father’s farm but it looks like he has given up on himself too early. It’s not as if the farm is doing extraordinarily well that he could earn enough from it. He’s always complaining of low turnout and yet hopes the next one will be better.
I visited him one day. I spent the weekend with him. All of a sudden it felt like I was living with a stranger. He dressed the way his fowls would find him appealing and not the way I liked. When I talked, he responded, “Where am I going? I’ll end up in the poultry farm anyway so what’s the point?”
It didn’t feel right. It felt like I was dating a man I had to bring up to my level, yet we both started from the same level. Even though his dream didn’t align with mine his love for me was to a fault.
These days he would call me and ask for support. I don’t hesitate. Whatever I give him, he invests in the poultry. He would make losses and come ask for more. I will give him but anytime I advise him, he feels like I’m telling him what to do just because I’m giving him money. Men and their egos.
I don’t like how we are slowly growing apart. We’ve dated for over six years. We deserve a good end to our beginning. We both have been faithful to the course. We deserve to crown it with marriage. He wants that but to me, until he cleans the dust surrounding his dreams and the cobweb around his future, it will be hard.
I love him with all my heart. I didn’t persevere for six years only to get here and develop cold feet. I asked him how much he pays himself at the end of the month. “Sometimes GHC800. Sometimes GHC500. Sometimes nothing,” he responded.
He pays himself nothing more often than something. But it’s a dream he’s not willing to change. Mechanical engineer graduate who has done several attachments with many companies. He has enough experience to land a job but he’s not willing to try. He has to open up and talk to his mates or apply for something but he doesn’t.
Part of me feels he’s not the right man for me considering where I’m going in life. I need a man with strong arms to carry me along, not a man who has given up on himself. I love him dearly because he’s a good man. The only man I’ve dated the longest. The only man who has treated me the way I deserved to be treated. The only man who has loved me right.
Because of him, I question the ways of the universe. I ask why bad things happen to good people. I ask why good men don’t become trees planted by the river. This guy is pure in heart. So pure sometimes I call him naive. A man his type will make a woman like me better but look at what he’s doing.
I don’t know how to help take him away from the farm. The most annoying part recently is the way he talks about his fowls. He has a name for all of them. He would be on the phone talking to me and mentioning the names of chickens as if they were next-door neighbours. He would send me photos of freshly hatched chickens and ask me the name he should give them. Even the things we talk about and care about have changed. We now have chicken dreams.
In my heart, he’s the one I want. In my head, it won’t work until something changes about him. A battle between the head and the heart. I’m not looking for a winner at this moment. I’m looking for a way to the change I desire to see in him. His parents are fine with what he does. They believe he would use his education to grow the farm so they don’t ask him questions. When I do, he feels I talk too much.
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What can I do to help such a man?
I don’t have too much time. I’m a woman. The clock doesn’t tick slowly on my side. A year from now, I should know where I’m going. I want to go with him so I’m asking what I can do to cause a change in him. Please advise.
— Derby
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You need to sit down with him and draw up a comprehensive Business plan for the farm. The farm can be profitable for both of you, given his love for this line of work. Walking away is not always the solution, sometimes you have to stay and ‘fight’.
It will never change only by your mighty and not by human efforts.
First of all separate yourself for sometime to wait on God. Pray and intercede for him for God to restore his destiny. God will respond to your prayers and he will change. You will be happy you waited on God because it is not his duty to fail you. After that always be intimate with God to sustain your blessings and the good things he has done for you. Congratulations 🎉🍾
You ask for separation. A man who is ‘naive’ as you describe cannot stand in this tough world. Replace him with an equally God but tough gritty guy. A mechanical engineer should not be tending chickens in his father’s farm. He should have kept the village job as you advised and craft good CVs of how he is using his knowledge of engineering to innovate at his village work. That will have impress interview panels. Plus he needs to network with his colleagues as you said. He may be pure at heart but all is pointing towards a man too traditional and not receptive to new ideas from any corner.
I like your story because I can relate. I also like the passion and dedication of your boyfriend to what he does. U can be with him or u can leave, that choice is solely urs to make. As long as he likes what he does, he will be great. I pray u also find your ‘path’ with him.
Osei has said it all, because at this point this one is looking like village people are after him. He’s obviously not cut out to be a poultry farmer and even if he likes it, he can always do it as a side hustle. Give him an ultimatum, either he shapes up and finds a proper job or you walk away. If he chooses his chickens, then you know where you stand. Don’t let dreams of the past keep you with a man who seems determined to throw his life away.