I met Ade in 2020, just after leaving a toxic relationship with a Yahoo boy. I was heartbroken and desperate for love. I thought a new relationship would help me move on. So we started dating. Six months into the relationship, we had done both our introduction and wedding.

After our wedding, we moved into his family house. I expected to be among family but I experienced hell. They made it clear they didn’t like me. I didn’t mind them though. All that mattered to me at the time was that my husband and I were deeply in love.

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Now, before the wedding, I had a miscarriage. After the wedding, I got pregnant again, but I lost that pregnancy too. We consoled ourselves that another one would come but two years passed, and I still couldn’t conceive.

I went to numerous traditional healers. One of them even attempted to violate me. After that incident, I vowed to wait on God. I stopped stressing about it and focused on my business and my family.

In the third year of our marriage, I discovered I had hormonal imbalance. My husband’s family knew but offered no support. Instead, they encouraged him to impregnate another woman.

That same year, my husband’s business took a serious hit, and I found myself shouldering most of the financial burden. I had been helping with rent since the beginning, but now, I was practically taking care of everything.

I worked tirelessly to support us. I paid the bills, ran the household, and overworked myself to the point where I started looking older than my age while Ade, ironically, looked younger every day.

I never saw myself as a fool for supporting him. That’s because in the beginning, he was a generous and supportive husband, so when his business collapsed, I believed it was only right to stand by him.

But everything changed when his sister accused me of cheating. I was stunned. With my health struggles, was I even in a position to cheat? We involved my sisters, and my husband eventually apologized, but things were never the same. He became insecure, started following me to my shop, and constantly picked fights with me.

I run a competitive business, and I joke around with my customers to keep them engaged. I tried to explain to him that my behaviour at the shop was purely professional, but he refused to listen.

Instead, things worsened. He started using tramadol and began acting irrationally. I tried to remind him of his worth, telling him that he wasn’t a failure just because he was broke, but nothing seemed to change.

When the pressure from his family became unbearable, his elder brother gave us money to rent a small self-contained room so we could have some space for ourselves. Later, my family also helped me set up a business.

All this while, he hadn’t found anything to do. I did my best to encourage him but as time passed he started abusing me verbally. He used my struggles with infertility as an insult against me. He called me all sorts of names so often that eventually, I became numb to it. I even made excuses for him.

“He is behaving this way because of financial frustrations.”

One day, I developed an infection. During an argument, he told me; “I don’t even know the kind of woman you are. You smell down there.” I was devastated.

I told him, “You know I don’t joke with my hygiene. What makes you so sure the problem isn’t from you?” He got angry and became even colder toward me.

If I offended him, he would vow to “deal with me,” and truly he did. But if he wronged me and I tried to retaliate, I would end up forgiving him almost immediately.

That marriage was bad for me on all levels but I refused to accept the reality. For instance, I lived a flamboyant life before we got married. But after the wedding, my skincare routine disappeared. My clothes faded, and my friends stopped inviting me to events because they knew my response would always be, “I don’t have money.”

It was last year that I finally started seeing things clearly. I came to realize that my husband had been using me and my family. He wasn’t even hiding it anymore. He would stay at my sister’s house for days just for free food. If I suggested we leave, he would come up with excuses.

When I saw him for who he truly was, our fights became more vicious. My blood pressure skyrocketed as a result. I would leave home at 6:30 AM and return late at night just to avoid seeing him so we wouldn’t fight.

I didn’t tell my family about all our fights. He was the one who called them and told them terrible things about me. They called me sounding upset. “Why didn’t you open up to us about the state of your marriage?”

That was when I finally told them everything. They cried and begged me to leave for my own safety. “The way things are going, it’s leading to domestic violence.”

I told them, “I want to wait for a while and see if things can work out.”

I kept at it until one day, a child at my shop asked, “Aunty, why is your mouth bent and your face swollen?” I panicked and rushed to a clinic. After examination, the doctor warned me that if my blood pressure rose any higher, it would be life-threatening. That was my wake-up call.

That same day, my husband packed a few things and left home . He said he was going away for a while. I was also planning to leave so I was more than glad to see him go.

Before he left, he asked me what I was doing about my infertility. I looked at him and said, “With everything going on, do you really think I can get pregnant?”

He didn’t respond, but I could tell he was offended. Later, he blamed me for everything in his life, saying his family had warned him not to marry me. I reminded him that my family had also warned me, but I didn’t listen.

After he left, I also packed my things and left.

When I called and told him I was gone, Ade insulted and cursed me. I should have expected that but it hurt anyway. I cried for days.

Later, when I went back to collect the rest of my things, his elder sister said, “If you want to leave, just leave. You said you can’t suffer with him anymore.”

I turned to her and asked, “Was your brother rich when I met him? Am I not the one who encouraged him to renovate your family house with our little savings? Didn’t I finance almost 60% of the wedding?” She couldn’t speak.

A few weeks later, this man came begging me to come back. When I refused to take him back, he insulted me. This became a thing. He would ask for me back today, and insult me tomorrow.

I tried to tell him how toxic he was to me but he refused to accept it. He told me, “Other people love my personality. You are only leaving me because I don’t have money.” I asked, “Were you a millionaire when I met you?” He had no response.

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I have no regrets. If he didn’t realize his mistakes, we would separate again, even if I went back. And honestly, for the first time, I thank God for my struggles with infertility—what if I had given birth?

After I made it clear I wouldn’t come back he started begging for money online. He even lied to a celebrity that his wife was in the hospital fighting for her life. I was so disgusted by him when I found out.

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The good news, however, is that I am in a better place. I feel so liberated. I’m experiencing peace and it’s pure bliss. I didn’t know that I was only hurting myself by holding on to him. I have been through so much because I found it hard to let go.

I thank God that I finally learned to choose myself. Now, I am healing. It’s a slow process but I am staying the course. I won’t trade this happiness for anything.

—Sade

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