I met Deboye in July last year through a friend. I was recovering from a bad relationship at the time. So he felt like a breath of fresh air to me.

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He bombarded me with a lot of love and affection. It made me feel seen. It made me feel heard. To be honest, it all felt too good to be true. I remember telling God to reveal his true nature.

While I was getting to know him he spoke a lot about his exes. He was the victim in all the stories. They were all bad to him, and according to him, he got away from them because he was a “sharp” guy. I believed him.

I used to think he was truly the victim until he started yelling at me whenever I expressed discomfort about something he did. He would make me feel like I was a problem for complaining. As if I was just supposed to take it lying down.

Afterwards, he would apologize, and I’d let it go, thinking we were still getting to know each other so such clashes in personality were bound to happen. I told myself that although we were all Christians, some people needed more work done by the Holy Spirit and that God was working on fixing his temperament.

While I was praying for God to work on him, I was guarded. He noticed it and assured me he was real. “You don’t have to worry about me. I will never leave you. Everything about you spells the woman I want to marry.”

Once again, I believed him. I opened up my heart and decided to give him a chance. Little did I know what I was signing up for.

When we had our first major fight, he called me and said hurtful things to me at the top of his voice. Later, he blamed it on his temperament and begged for forgiveness.

I forgave him but every time we had issues he expected me to remain silent while he yelled at me. If I refused, he called me “contentious,” “troublesome,” or “stupid.”

If I tried to defend myself against his verbal abuse he would ask, “Why are you being defensive? I am not attacking you.”

He would then gaslight me by saying I misunderstood his point. Sometimes he would say, “I don’t think you understand the English Language properly.” Either that or, “You are responding to me this way because you have low self-esteem. You have a need to be heard.”

Eventually, he started threatening to leave me at the slightest provocation. I don’t know why I kept putting up with him. This is someone who once told me,  “I will frustrate you in this relationship.”

Oh, I remember now why I stayed. Every time he messed up he would come back and apologize.

“You know I am just a man. Be patient with me while God works on me.”

I was ever so forgiving until one day he admitted during an argument that he knew exactly what he was doing. And that his actions were all deliberate.

When I tried to pull back emotionally, he didn’t let me. He said he was working on becoming a better man.

Nonetheless, he refused to put in the work and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. We even stopped praying together by the second month. According to him, he was too busy and had too much on his mind. Still, I stayed calm and kept praying for him.

Unfortunately, he just kept getting worse. I’m 30, and I’ve kept my purity as a principle.

This guy now told me that if I am ready for marriage I should let him have his way with me. He said I was the one who chose celibacy, not him. I refused to do it.

Maybe he was desperate but he asked, “What will you do if I want you to get pregnant before marriage?”

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I bluntly told him that I would not dishonour God just to please him. He responded with threats that he would leave me.

At that point, I had had enough. I told him, “Just go. Love is meant to be enjoyed not to be endured. I am tired of making excuses for you and forgiving your disrespect and abuse. Go wherever you will find happiness and let me have my peace of mind.”

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That was the end of the relationship. Although he was toxic, I think about our good moments sometimes and miss him. I really wished he would have changed so our relationship would work but I suppose it was not meant to be. That’s life, sometimes you just have to decide you’ve had enough even if you still love the person.

I’m just looking for a way to let everything out, that’s why I’m sharing this story. I hope I find healing soon.

—Beatrice

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