When I first met Naasei online, I liked him. He was thirty-five while I was also twenty-three but the age gap didn’t ruin my interest in him. He also said the age didn’t matter as long as I was an adult and knew what I was about. “Let’s study each other and then get married,” he proposed. I was in my final year at the university around that time. I wasn’t ready for marriage at that moment but I welcomed the idea of marriage in a distant future. So I went all in.

I had so much faith that things would work out for us. But soon enough, the red flags rained heavily. I had to explain the reason I missed his calls and why I had to return them later. He always had questions about my friends. Even the females. I spent a fair amount of time in the relationship explaining my relationships with my friends.

He would often say, “The kind of friends you keep will determine the way you treat me as a partner.” I knew he wasn’t entirely wrong. When I needed advice concerning love issues, it was my friends I spoke to. He knew this as well. So he tried to make it look like my friends were bad company. “You are very impressionable,” he said to me once, “this means that if your friends like clubbing or sleeping around with men, they can easily influence you to do the same.” These were the early stages of the relationship so I interpreted this as concern. I believed he was just looking out for me.

About a month into the relationship, he asked me to give him my lecture timetable. When I refused, we fought. I didn’t understand why he should have my timetable. He also said it was important for him to know so he could track my movements. We did this back and forth for a month before I finally gave it to him.

I observed that every time I was with him, he was peaceful. We wouldn’t quarrel about anything. He would be so sweet. He would cook, wash the dishes, and even run errands for me. Which meant, that as long as I was within his reach, he would be fine. I thought maybe he was insecure because of the distance between us. I saw it as a romantic trait instead of the red flag it was.

I was still in school when this guy started talking about marriage. “We should start preparing to get married one year from now,” he said. I felt it was too soon. When I told him to slow down he got angry. “You are not serious,” he ranted, “no serious girl would reject marriage.” I tried to make him understand that I had to complete school, finish national service, and find a stable job before marriage comes into the picture. But he was mad.

Apart from his controlling nature, this guy is never wrong. Whenever we have problems, it’s always my fault. One day he even called me a problem. I told him, “If I am a problem then do away with me.” Of course, he didn’t.

The relationship began in December 2022 but by February of the next year, we knew we didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. Honestly, I wanted to end things but I hoped with time he would change. I was wrong.

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I’m not from a poor home but we are not rich too. My parents are comfortable and supportive. My siblings are also people I could fall on when I was in need. But Naasei also insisted on giving me money. I thought he was being caring but as time went on, he never stopped talking about the monies he gave me and the things he bought for me. He even called himself my “saviour”. It’s not as if I was always asking him for money. The few times that I did, I expressed my gratitude to him. But I came to realize that, it was his way of telling me how much he owned me. He felt entitled to me because he was giving me money.

One day, we were having a conversation when I talked about how I would love to get my basic needs on my own when I start working. “I should be able to buy airtime, clothes, bags and other stuff for myself,” I said. He answered, “You sound like those women who disrespect their husbands when they start earning more money than the men do.” I didn’t like the way he misinterpreted whatever I said.

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This time around I went to my mum for advice. She counselled me to distance myself from anybody who would ever feel threatened by my financial progress. Because such people could be very dangerous. So there and then, I made the choice to withdraw from him. I had already gone through so much emotional stress in the few months we had been together that it became suffocating to engage him in conversations.

We got into a fight in March and he asked for a breakup. In the past, I would have cried and gone crawling back. But this time around I didn’t fight it. I just gave him what he wanted. I felt so light after that breakup. As if a heavy weight had been lifted off me. Sometimes when the red flags are too glaring, you don’t have to stay and fight. You are allowed to walk away for your peace.

— Adom

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