When I proposed love to her she said, “No. We can only remain friends.” I spent days and weeks trying to make her understand the intentions of my heart. I went on a date with her on several occasions and at the end of each date, I declared my love for her all over again.
After some weeks, she sent me a message; “I know your intentions and I’ve come to trust your heart. Kindly give me some days to think about things. My life is not in perfect shape right now. Allow me to flatten the curves. I’ll come back to you with happy news.” I asked her, “What am I supposed to do during these times? Can I call or come to see you?” She responded, “We can be everything but just don’t mention your proposal.”
Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to month. She still said nothing to me. Not knowing is a frustrating situation to be in. You’re with a girl, you don’t know what both of you are and you can’t go on because you don’t know what the two of you may become. Two months later, I brought the conversation back to the table. She said, “I thought we agreed not to talk about it until I’m ready to give you an answer? Don’t you have the heart to wait?” She was clearly angry or frustrated or confused. She continued, “I was thinking of saying no all this while but I was assessing your patience. Since you can’t wait without talking about it, the answer is still no. Let’s be friends.”
Let’s be friends…
I didn’t mind being friends with her. All I wanted to know was the way forward for both of us. I didn’t want to keep hoping and I didn’t want to keep believing that she’ll say yes and later she’ll come to say no. The dice was cast. We were friends. I started treating her like I treated all my friends. I didn’t call often and she didn’t call often. She said hi only when he watched a funny status on my Whatsapp. Or when she saw something on my status that she wanted me to send to her. That was fine. After all, we were friends.
Four months later I had a call from her. She asked, “Do you still feel the same way you felt for me some months ago? Because I think I’m in love with you now so if you still have love for me and nothing is changed, I’m saying yes to you now.” The whole thing felt so out of place that I didn’t know what to say or do. I was very quiet on the phone for some seconds. She kept asking, “Are you still in love with me?” I told her, “This is so sudden and unexpected that I don’t even know what to say. If I may know, what changed? Why did you change your mind about me?”
She answered, “Nothing changed. I told you I had some rough edges to smoothen in my life. Everything is clean and smooth now and I believe I’m ready to be in love with you.” I said, “You no longer care about my impatience?” She responded, “That wasn’t the issue. I only needed me some space to think and you were pushing it so I said that to get away.”
Honestly, I was still in love with her. I didn’t meet anyone while I was away from her and I couldn’t kick her away from my mind though I was trying to. What baffled me was the sudden nature of her turn around. It made me feel like she said yes to someone else which didn’t work out and she now wants to use me as the consolation prize. Being a consolation or second choice in a relationship is a sad thing. You become the one they turn to when the best is off their reach. In my language, it’s called sapɔfuno. They only look for you when all else fails. I wasn’t ready to be her consolation.
Yeah, she was talking about sharpening some edges but what were those edges? I asked her and she said, “They’re personal. I rather not talk about it.” I told her, “Honestly I do love you. I want you in my life and nothing has changed but this is very sudden for me so kindly give me some days to sort myself out. I need to put everything in perspective and make sense out of it.”
She’ll call me every day, evening, and night to accuse me of not loving her enough; “If you truly loved me then why are you being hesitant?” “That means if I said yes to you the first time you wouldn’t have taken me seriously.” You’re wasting time. What if someone comes in my life tomorrow and I say yes to him?” She talked as if I was taking forever to give her an answer but it had only taken four days. I tolerated her impatience. It didn’t really bother me because I knew what I wanted.
A week later, I told her, “Why not? Let’s be in love.” We all can give love a try. It doesn’t hurt.
She was happy and I was happy too. We started going on dates and talking a lot about our future together. I realized the future excited her so we talked more about it. We got home after a date one night and feelings went off the roof. We started kissing and fingers started rolling the edges of the skirt up just to find a way home to where pleasure can be found. Just when I was about to hit gold, she held my hand and asked, “What are you trying to do?”
I wasn’t in the mood to talk so I kept going. He resisted and screamed, “No…no…no stop it! What are we doing?”
I told her, “If you’re not ready to go into that, fine but don’t ask me what I’m doing because you know where I’m driving to.” She asked, “Is this what everything is about? To get sex?” “What do you mean?” I asked her. She responded, “You’re taking things too fast. It makes the whole thing looks like you’re just in for sex.” I told her, “No, I’m not just in for sex. I’m in for you. This is just passion rising up.”
That was when she started laying down the rules…
“Rule number one, blah blah blah. Rule number two, blah blah blah. Rule number three, that’s very very important. We are not going to have sex until we are married. You guys run under the cover of love only to seek sex. After that, you walk away as though nothing else mattered.”
You guys?
“You know my name. Obviously I’m not “You guys” so what are you talking about?”
“You guys are all the same. You get what you want and you jump off.”
“You sincerely believe I’ll waste my time with you all in the name of s€x?”
“That’s what you all say. If you indeed love me like you want me to believe, staying off s€x before marriage wouldn’t be a problem.”
“Someone had s€x with you and ran away?”
“It happens all the time. My friends talk about it. I’ve read about it and I see it happen all the time.”
“I don’t mind staying off until we are married but if you say it the way you’re saying it, you make me feel like you’re punishing me for the wrong someone did to you. I’m not the one who had s€x with you and went away. My name is Kwakye.”
We agreed on no s€x until marriage. After all, s€x isn’t everything. You love a girl, you love her with or without sex, tel est l’amour!
We were happy. All rules were obeyed and we had spent a year in the relationship. All year, no one hurt each other but there was one thing I couldn’t understand about her; her mood swings. She could be angry for no reason at all. When that happens, she’ll not talk to me or answer my call or even try to see my face. It happened so often that I got used to it but one day, it got extreme.
She cried for days and refused to eat. All she did was to type away on her phone. Nothing I said would make her open up to me. That made me very anxious so I started asking questions, not from her but from some friends of her’s that I knew. Some said, “Leave her that’s how she is. She does it to us.” Some wouldn’t say anything but one of them was very kind to me. She said, “I’m telling you this because I believe if you know the truth, you’ll help save her from herself. She’s still dating that boy. I don’t know what she sees in him but no matter how bad he treats her, she keeps going back to her.”
That boy…who’s that boy?
I got to know the acceptance of my proposal got delayed because of that boy. Also, she was having relationship problems with someone else but I got to suffer the results. That boy had been the conductor of her emotions, orchestrating the swings of her mood. They’ve been together for years but nothing seems to work but she was scared to walk away. Indeed she used me as a shield for the days when her heart would be breaking.
I confronted her and she was very opened to me. I watched her as she told me her story—her story of abuse, rejection, and unrequited love. I asked her, “So you think keeping me around when he’s still in the picture would help you heal? We have done one year already and you still run to him?”
Watching her look so depressed and out of color got to me. I’ve come to love her. She was a good girl in a whirlwind of confusion. She needed a hand to help pull her away from the emotional abuse she was going through. Maybe that was why she chose me. She needed help and I was ready to help her.
I asked her, “Do you love me?” She responded, “Yeah I do. You’re a good person and would love to be with you. I’m just in a state of confusion right now. Just give me some time. I will settle this.” I told her to give me the chance to help her. “It doesn’t matter what is it you want me to do, just tell me.” She said, “I only need you to be there for me. I’m walking away this time and would never ever look back.”
I was with her through it all. I was with her when she was fighting off the edge to call him. I was with her when she was struggling not to pick his call. It wasn’t easy for her but I saw her efforts and encouraged her. At that moment, I didn’t see myself as her boyfriend. I saw myself as a friend who wants the best life for his friend.
She went a whole month without talking to him. She blocked him on Whatsapp and blocked him on Facebook. Three months later, she declared herself fit to love again. I told her, “You need more time for yourself. Find yourself and build yourself up. Know what you really want. If it’s me you want, hey, why not?”
She was convinced she was ok. She was also convinced that I was the one for her. We kept our story going as she closed the chapter between herself and that guy. She felt safe enough to introduce me to her parents as the guy in her life. My parents already knew her and they were already in love with her. After two years in love, I decided we had to move a level up. I suggested that we start working toward marriage. She was so happy about it and started telling me where we should start.
A few months later, I caught her communicating with that guy. I read the messages between them. They’ve been communicating for a long while without me knowing. She was telling the guy about me and why she couldn’t bring herself to love me honestly like I was loving her. The guy responded, “You and I were made for each other and no one can come between us.”
That was the point I realized some people cannot be saved. You see them drowning and you try to give them a hand. By the time you realize, they’d succeeded in pulling you deep inside the water to die with them. That day I decided not to die with her. When I approached her with the messages, she said, “I’m sorry, there’s nothing I could do about it. He came back. I didn’t know what to say or do and I was scared to tell you.”
I looked at her and regretted the years I’d wasted trying to make her mine. I was sad for her but I was angry with myself for trusting I could turn her heart away. I told her, “Good to know you’re back. I wish you well this time.”
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I walked away with my heart beating so fast like I was going to fall off and die. I was lost and didn’t know what next I was going to do. I had lost a fight where the opponent wasn’t even fighting. He only had to appear and just win and that really hurt my pride. I was heartbroken for days but slowly I healed. Today, I tell this story with all the pride in my heart, knowing I did my best for the one I loved but she simply couldn’t rescue herself to be loved better.
I moved on. I found someone along the way who was worthy of my love, Sandra. She loved me back desperately like I was the only thing her heart could find to love. We didn’t waste time at all. We got engaged and we got married soon after. Life is good. Love tastes better.
What about her?
I don’t know much about her life now but wherever she is and whoever she is with, I pray they are happy.
Kwakye, Ghana
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