I started following this page when I met a Ghanaian I thought I would marry. I wanted to familiarize myself with how romantic relationships work in Ghana, so I would know how my future in-laws would treat me. Let’s just say I came to understand that the guy was a waste of time. He hid the fact that he was married with two children from me. Yes, it was a whole mess but I am glad he led me to this place.
After him, I met Amara. He has been nothing short of an amazing boyfriend. In the past three years we’ve been together he has proven to be the best man for me. Through our ups and downs, we have come to understand that we will always find our way back to each other. We’ve ridden many storms that were meant to tear us apart and made it out as conquerors. We’ve gotten to a place where we are preparing for marriage. If all our plans fall into place, we will be married before the year ends.
I come from a very close-knit family. We share everything. If there’s good news, they are the first I call. If there is bad news, I fall on them for comfort. When there’s conflict in the family, we have difficult conversations and address the issues head-on. That’s how I was taught a family should be. That’s why I was concerned when I met my fiancé’s family. I noticed there was a disconnect when it came to their closeness.
I couldn’t sense the parent-child bond between them. When it came to communication, it was poor, in my opinion. While my family likes to hash out issues, his family likes to go hush-hush on issues. They would rather hide their heads in the sand than speak openly. They live a comfortable life. Amara said he didn’t lack anything growing up. However, I just felt something was slightly off.
Trust me, I didn’t go asking questions. Neither did I attempt to poke my nose where it didn’t belong. I was having a conversation with one of his relatives when the truth slipped out. This person first asked me, “Has your boyfriend told you how his parents died?” I was confused, “Are you referring to someone else? Because I already met Amara’s parents.” The person then said, “No, I meant his biological parents.” Sensing my confusion, they responded; “If he hasn’t told you then it’s not my business to talk about it.”
When she realized she had already started and there was no point in stopping, she swore me to secrecy. “I don’t want to look like a bad person if they find out you know already. The truth is, that he lost both parents when he was one year old. His mother’s sister who was struggling with fertility issues stepped up and became his new mother. Eventually, she and her husband officially adopted him. They don’t like to talk about it so don’t let them know you know.” It all made sense immediately. The emotional disconnect and everything in between.
I have been hoarding that secret for the past two years. My relationship with Amara’s mother is good. She tells me all the time that she can’t wait for me to officially become her daughter-in-law. However, she has never let it slip that she doesn’t have any biological child or that she once had a sister who died. I am convinced she will never mention it to me. And that’s okay.
The person I expect to tell me this is my boyfriend. I have hinted at the subject of adoption with him a few times. I was hoping he would take advantage of the opportunity to tell me about his biological parents but he sticks to the story that his aunt is the woman who birthed him.
Now, I am beginning to question his trust in me. I love Amara. The truth of his identity doesn’t change that. I’m just concerned that he doesn’t trust me enough to share this with me. I want to have a family like the one I grew up in. No secrets. Only open conversations. If he doesn’t open up to me about this, a part of me will wonder if he is hiding something else from me. I don’t want to go into the marriage with all these doubts clouding my mind.
I want to address the issue but I am not sure if I should. How will I even bring it up? What if it makes them uncomfortable? A part of me also wants to leave it alone but I am concerned that our customary practices and naming traditions might be affected if his birth name isn’t used. I don’t know the implications but I don’t want anything bad to befall me or my unborn children when that time comes. What do I do? Should I wait until marriage to address it, or I should do it before the marriage happens? Kindly point me in the right direction.
—Gift, Kenya
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Sue, ask the one who told you about this secret to tell Amara that she told you, otherwise you’ll ask Amara and, in the process, tell him who told you.
Is it necessary st all for you to know or be told?
You telling him is not necessary. You knowing it doesn’t have any bad effect on your kids. These are his parents irrespective of him being adopted. If you love him then you have to love his parents, the circumstances around his up bringing. As the saying goes love me,love my dog. What matters is he has a family he can fall on in time of need. Mind you not everyone’s family is like yours. So accept his the way it is . When you get married to him then you can make the family you have together like yours or even better than yours. The fact that his family is like that doesn’t mean they are bad. Let things be and give the thanks and respect to his aunt . If God wanted him to be raised by his biological parents then it would have happened.
Sister, what is you problem about this issue of adoption. You said his parents died when he was just a year old. Don’t you think he himself was told or aware of this? He might only know his auntie and her husband as his true biological mother and father. So be careful. Don’t trend on a dangerous ground.
Bright is right. In our tradition, it is customary for a childless woman to adopt her sister’s child as hers not necessarily because she is deceased. The biological mother may relinquish her hold on the child and the whole family recognizes the new relationship as the biological one will be. It is practically forbidden to refer to the original relationship and anyone who does that is seen as a rubble rouser. If you love your man, let sleeping dogs lie.
I do not blame you but who ever told you this is the Satan here.so what are you going to do with this information 🤔 it’s not important. Forget and marry your sweetheart 💕
You can’t un-know what you know. This goes to the very identity of the person you are going to devote the rest of your life to. It’s unsettling. He should have told you himself, especially since the rest of the family knows. What if you have children later and there was a genetic problem with his line that you didn’t know? Get to the bottom of this before it’s too late.
I am surprised this little issue of no importance or implications on your relationship is bothering you my sister. Let sleeping dogs lie please,,, don’t worry your man with this unnecessary issue
It could be that your boyfriend himself doesn’t know that he is an adopted child since his biological parents died when he was at age one. so thread cautiously.