My mother owned a provision shop before she fell ill three years ago. The shop is located in our hometown where we both live. Back then I had a couple of small businesses I was doing for some income. I managed those and still found time to partially help my mother run the shop. It was an arrangement that worked perfectly for both of us until she got sick.

She handed the shop over to me fully but she couldn’t run it anymore. I also had to take care of her physically. This meant I could no longer keep my small businesses going. It was more feasible to take care of her and manage the shop at the same time.

Things were hard but we pushed through. Somewhere last year she started getting better. I was happy to see her doing well. All the care and attention we poured into her health paid off. I doubt anything would make me happier than that.

However, I started feeling stuck. As if my life was at a standstill. I didn’t have anything going for myself apart from my mother’s business. And it was just that, my mother’s, not mine. I told myself, “I need to start thinking about myself and my future as well.” I started doing some planning from then.

The shops in front of our house were two before she decided to use one for groceries (provisions). The other one remained empty. I figured I could use it to sell food. I settled on starting a fast food joint, specifically fried rice.

I was so sure I could pull it off but when I started it, I realized it would be harder than I imagined. I wouldn’t be able to do it without help. My boyfriend is supportive. He always helped whenever he visited. His help made things easier but he was not always around.

Sometimes I would hire someone to help with the workload. They would do the work for a while only to quit on me. Then I am back to struggling to juggle everything by myself. There was a time when I had to close the business for three months because I couldn’t do it all alone.

But the thing is, I felt fulfilled when I was selling the food. Although it was difficult it gave me a sense of purpose. I felt that my life was not wasting away. So without it, I started feeling out of sorts.

As time went on, I hired someone new and started the business again. I kept it open for a while but as usual, the girl quit. Again, I was left to do it alone. When I got tired, I closed the place again. I am sure any business owner knows this is not healthy for what I am trying to establish.

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I have started thinking seriously about my future now. My mother is better. She is able to move around and do things for herself. I know she can take care of the shop if I hand it back to her.

The problem is, that she is not as fit as she used to be. Because of this, I feel sad that I am entertaining the thought of leaving all the work for her to do.

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My plan is to move my food business to another place or move to another town to work there. I feel when I am close to her, all my focus will be on doing things for her instead of establishing something for my future.

I love my mum. I appreciate all the ways she took care of me. I want nothing more than to be the person in her corner. But I am thirty-one. If I don’t stand on my own now, then when will I do that? Am I a bad person for thinking about myself and what’s best for me in this situation? This is my dilemma. What do I do?

— Lilac

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