I used to joke that the only thing that would take me to hell was my temper. It’s fiery and very quick. When I was young, I hurt a lot of people including my own siblings. I had no friends because any person who came close experienced the temper and flew away. My mom said I was possessed by the devil. My father said I took the quick temper from my grandfather. I knew I needed help but I was too young and stupid to ask. The only thing I received that looked like help was prayers I received from a pastor my mom sent me to after a crusade. She said, “Pray for him. The devil is in him”

It didn’t change much because a few weeks later, I chased my brother with a knife. When I didn’t get him, I threw the knife and the handle of the knife hit his head. What did he do? He picked a piece of meat from my food when I wasn’t looking. The temper could go so high, that I would start to stammer. Once I was OK, I would break down and cry. I was hurting everyone. I accepted it was the devil in me. I prayed. I fasted. I was only a teenager who was trying to find myself.

When I grew up it got worse. The only way I could control it was to stay away from people. I didn’t talk much to people so they called me names. Those who tried to come close, I pushed them away. It was better that way until I met a roommate who wouldn’t let me be. We fought every day but after every fight, this guy would come to me and say, “I knew I made you angry. It won’t happen again.” Even when I was at fault, he was the one to talk to me. To me, I’d found someone who accepted me the way I was so I opened up to him.

I told him about my battle with my temper. All the good people I’d lost because of that and all the good opportunities that didn’t come my way because I drove those bringing the opportunities away. He told me to get help. He asked me to go through anger management. He even searched online for a therapist for me but we couldn’t afford it. He sent me links to articles about anger management. He even sent me a link to a Facebook group that specialized in anger management and because we were both religious, we prayed about it.

Through my roommate, I met Angela. I knew I loved her right from the day we met. I told my roommate about it and he said he would help. He had become like a brother. We had completed school and had done national service together. I got a job before him so I tried to link him to people who could help. In no time he also got a job. If anything got me triggered, it was Arnold I called. When I met Angela and she got to know me, everything changed. She was sweet, caring, down to earth and everything I thought a woman should be.

We dated for a year and decided to get married. She didn’t want to marry me. She said, “I’m scared. Your temper. It’s the only thing that’s pushing me away.” She was the only one who could calm my temper so I thought of keeping her forever. I begged her. I promised to be a better man. I even went to therapy for her. It was after the therapy sessions that she agreed to marry me.

The first year of marriage was so sweet. I wished it would go on forever but once she got married, she changed. Everything she did got me angry. It felt like she woke up every morning just to get on my nerves. She wouldn’t cook. She would disturb my night and intentionally send me on crazy errands. In the night she would hit me to wake me up when she knew I didn’t like that. I’m not a deep sleeper. She would only have to call my name and I would wake up but she would rather slap my thighs or pull my nose just to wake me up. Those things got me triggered so one dawn I slapped her. She was six months pregnant.

It turned into a fight because she wouldn’t keep quiet. She called me a devil. She threw things at me; comb, lipstick bottle, cream container and sometimes kitchen wares. We could go for days without talking. We lost the love and lost the sauce. We became sworn enemies because no one was ready to back down.

When she was eight months pregnant, I was sleeping in the hall when she stepped on me to sit in the sofa. If I turned in any direction, she would have fallen flat on her tummy. She was stepping on me but I had to be careful so she doesn’t trip and fall. I lay flat without shaking. When she sat down, I screamed, “What did you do that for?” She answered, “I didn’t see you. I thought you were part of the carpet.” I threw my hand but stopped midway. She got up and pushed herself to me, “Beat me, why have you stopped? You want to slap me? Do it! Is that not what you do all the time?”

The devil in me shook its tail so the slap landed. She held her cheeks and started sobbing. I picked up my shirt and left the house. When I came back in the evening, she was not in the house. I called her phone but she didn’t pick up. I called her mom and she told me she wasn’t there. Later, her mom called to tell me she was with a friend. I went to her friend to pick her up. She didn’t come with me..

Days later, she came home with her mom. Four days later, she gave birth. She was not on good terms with me but the presence of our baby changed all the mood for me. I was happy. I was sticking around not wanting to go. When I tried talking to her she didn’t mind me. When she was discharged, we all went home together, including her mom.

Things were not all that good but I thought we had come very far five months later. We were talking fine and doing very well to raise our child. Five months later, she didn’t allow sex. When her mom left, she didn’t cook for us again. I was angry but didn’t react, for the sake of peace.

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Our rent was due so I gave her the money to give to the landlord. That very day, I went to work and came back to meet a semi-empty house. There was a note on the table that read; “My family will return your drink very soon. This marriage is over.”

She didn’t pick up my calls so again, I called her mom. She told me she didn’t know her whereabouts but it felt like she knew. I had to go to her office to see her and ask questions. She used our rent money to rent a new place. She insisted it was over. She was not even wearing her ring. When I asked about it, she went into her bag, picked up the ring and put it into my hand. She then walked away.

It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person

It’s been four months. I still don’t know where my wife lives. From the way I see it, her mom has agreed to the divorce but yet to take action. My life is no longer mine. My mind can’t function. Without her, a lot will go down the drain. I need her back but it looks like everyone has turned their back on me. They don’t even want to hear my story. Everyone knows my marriage is over except me. I’ve been going around in circles, trying to figure out what next to do but nothing comes to mind and healing also seems far away.

I’m sharing my story here, hoping she reads it and see how I’m feeling and also see the remorse in my truth. All I need is one more chance to make things better, especially when our child is involved.

—Prince 

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