I didn’t want to hide anything from Akofa so right from the beginning, I told her I had a daughter. “She’s five years old and lives with my mother but after marriage, I would like to bring her to live with me.” She asked, “What about the mother, what happened to her?” I told her how everything started and how it ended.

The mother was in school when she got pregnant. I wanted to marry her but her family didn’t like me. They didn’t like my tribe and they didn’t like the job I was doing so they shot my dreams down.  When she delivered, I tried going to visit but her parents didn’t want me around too. They simply didn’t want to see me. When my daughter was one year old, they called me to come for her so the mother could go back to school. I went for her in February. In June, she got married to another man. I got the drift. They didn’t want my child hovering around their marriage.

When I told her the story, she was sympathetic. She couldn’t wait to see my daughter. She said, “I wish I could see her tomorrow.” I said, “I usually bring her with me when she’s on vacation.”

I brought her home on one vacation. Akofa came around and wanted to play with her. She’s a shy girl so she avoided her. She didn’t want Akofa to touch her and she didn’t want to get close to her. It’s normal with some kids. It takes time to get to them. They have to trust you enough to get closer to you. I thought Akorfa understood this so I didn’t waste time explaining.

A year and a half into our relationship, I took Akofa home to meet my mother. That was the official introduction to my mother as the woman I was going to marry. When we got there, my daughter ran to hug me. I told her, “Hug mommy too.” She turned away and ran off. I said, “This girl is too full of herself.” I introduced Akofa to my mother. My mom was happy to meet her but most importantly, she was happy that a woman was coming into my life. Mom called me on the side and whispered, “Is she aware of Heidi?” I said, “Yeah she’s aware. I told her long ago.”

Mom served us. Heidi stood next to me. Akofa tried to get her attention but this kid gave her no room. When she forced herself to pick her up, she cried as if someone had beaten her. “It’s surprising this girl is not used to you yet,” I said. She responded, “I’m surprised too. Maybe she doesn’t like me that much.”

Another time, Heidi came home for vacation. It was her birthday and we organized something small for her. Akorfa came home with her senior sister. During the sharing of the cake, Her sister held Heidi’s hand and the two were friends from then on. I noticed it but it wasn’t something I thought Akorfa would make a case of. Days later she said, “She doesn’t like me. It’s not the time she needs. Did you see her and my sister? How long have they seen each other?” I said, “Kids don’t make sense. Just give her some time.”

One night she asked, “If you have to choose between me and your daughter, who will you choose?” I asked, “What sort of question is that?” She said, “I’m only asking. It’s not anything like that.” I said, “There is no way I can choose between you two. There’s no instance in this world that can split you two into two and ask me to choose. You’ll be my wife. She’s my daughter. No choosing between you two.”

A few weeks later, she came back accusing me of choosing my daughter over her. I said, “Where did I choose her over you?” She answered, “If you would choose me, you would have said it. The fact that you didn’t say it means you wouldn’t choose me.” I was shocked she could work herself up because of something small like that.

Whenever we had issues, she tried to find a way to bring my daughter into the picture. It could be an issue over food. It could be over future plans. It could be over anything. She didn’t mind. She’ll bring my daughter into the conversation and say, “She’s the reason why you’re doing all this. It seems like your daughter is more important than anything in your world.” I realized she had things she wanted to tell me about my daughter so I asked her, “If you were in my shoes, what would you do?” She said, “If her mother didn’t want her around her marriage then I don’t see why you would be bent on bringing her into our marriage. Why don’t you allow her to continue living with her granny?”

I asked one simple question; “You don’t like my daughter, do you?”

She answered, “She doesn’t like me. It surprises me that you don’t see it. I foresee problems in our marriage because of her. Whatever happens, you’ll choose her side. That’s the issue.” I said, “Kids don’t have hatred. There are things they don’t like. It’s not hatred. If you’re scared she wouldn’t like you, then you’re just worrying your head. She would come around eventually.”

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She said, “Until we are able to sort this issue out, we are not going to talk about marriage. I’m of the view that your daughter should remain with your mother until we are well established enough in our marriage then we may consider bringing her in. We can’t bring her into something we just started.”

Before I met Akofa, I dated two different women. One said to me, “You have a daughter and that’s a deal-breaker for me. I can’t do it.” The relationship was only two weeks old. She walked away. The other lady said, “I love kids but I don’t want me a man who has kid before marriage.” She too walked away. It’s alright. I couldn’t force them to like what they don’t like. Akorfa didn’t have issues when I told her. She was eager to meet my daughter. Three years later, she doesn’t want anything to do with my daughter. That is hard for me to take. I feel like she’s trapping me and using emotional blackmail to get me to drop off my kid.

For several months now, our relationship had been on and off. I love her. I want to do everything to have her as my wife. Honestly, she’s been the best woman for me all this while but I don’t understand her quick turnaround. She’s trying to push the fault on Heidi for not liking her but I doubt that is the issue. There’s something she’s not telling me and it gets me confused every day.

We are slowly drifting apart and it’s killing me slowly. She doesn’t want to talk about the marriage plans and is not ready to talk about any future plans until I assure her that my daughter is not coming around. Is there something I can do or say to turn the situation around? I don’t want to lose her and I can’t let my daughter stay far away from me. I wish there’s something I can do to salvage this situation. It’s killing me. It’s affecting my job. It’s affecting everything that makes me sane. I need help.

–Josh

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