When I met her I knew I had met the woman of my dreams. Her beauty, her style, her poise, and the grace in her gait, spoke volumes of her personality. Indeed, when I got to know her better I was completely smitten. She is smart and very resourceful. She is the typical modern-day woman; a career woman who brings a whole lot to the table. Loving her was not hard.

When she told me, “I want us to wait until marriage before we get intimate,” I wasn’t excited about the idea but I loved her so much that I was willing to wait however long it would take.

On our wedding day, I couldn’t believe it was finally happening. The road was not smooth. Unlike her, I was not a virgin. So abstinence did not deal with me as easily as it dealt with her. But we were both resolute to walk the talk. It took us three whole years to make it to the altar.

After three years of waiting, I was finally going to make love to the love of my life. She didn’t allow us to talk about intimacy during the dating stage. This meant I didn’t know what to expect. And when we finally did it the whole experience was anticlimactic.

We spent three days at the place we had our honeymoon. All that time but we only got intimate twice. Both times were painful for her. I understood because it was her first time. Now, we’ve been married for almost a year but I can count with my fingers the number of times we did it.

I didn’t know what to expect from her in the bedroom but this kind of poor sex life never would have crossed my mind. When we were dating I used to ask her, “Although we have agreed to abstain, do you sometimes get in the mood to do it?” She would shake her head and tell me; “No, I feel nothing. I don’t even think about it.”

I thought it was because she was strong-willed. She also associated her lack of sexual desire with the fact that she did not watch or read any explicit materials because of her staunch Christian beliefs.

I was certain that once we were married she would understand that it was no longer a sin if we did it. I think I expected that understanding to make her engage me as someone who is already experienced would. However, when it didn’t happen that way, I was patient. I understood that she would need some time to get used to things.

After the first time till now, it hasn’t gotten any better. My wife is never in the mood for intimacy no matter how hard I try. I always use lubricants to make things smoother because she doesn’t lubricate naturally.

I have asked her several times if she had a sexual trauma growing up so that we would get psychological help, but she says no.

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I have no choice thank to be patient. However, it is getting very frustrating for me. I dated her for three years without doing it. The hope of getting it in abundance in marriage kept me going. But here I am after marriage, suffering like a bachelor who doesn’t even have a girlfriend.

I have expressed my displeasure several times but she doesn’t seem to think there’s any problem in the bedroom. She is fine as long as she gets her pleasure. And the only part of her body that is sensitive to touch is her clitoris. When I stimulate it till she gets to the finish line, she switches off and wants to sleep.

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When I manage to persuade her to let me do it too, she is dull. The only position she is open to is missionary, nothing else. Her behaviour makes me feel I am disturbing her when I try to make love to her.

Sometimes I feel like stepping out of the marriage to get my satisfaction from elsewhere. The only thing keeping me grounded is a promise I made to myself that I wouldn’t engage in any extramarital affairs. In the absence of another woman, what do I do? I’m struggling so much. How can I be a married man and be sexually starved?

— Cage

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