We broke up when she got pregnant. It’s a long story of coercion, misunderstanding, and family manipulations, but I’ve come to accept my fate and am ready to fight to right the wrongs. This is what happened…
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I was sure I was going to marry Becky. Less than a year into our relationship, we talked about marriage. She didn’t have a job, so I had to do a lot of saving to be able to marry her. And then she got pregnant.
The night she told me, I was confused, but I knew I was going to be a father. She wanted to let the pregnancy go because she wanted to be a wife first. We argued it out. I told her my stand: “I’m a sinner, and I’ve done a lot of awful things, but I won’t add this to my sins. It’s too grave to bear. Let’s have it. It will make life difficult but won’t destroy our lives.”
We agreed I’d do the knocking and marry her after she had delivered.
Everything changed when she told her parents about the pregnancy. Her father called me on the phone and said, “Joe, you have to marry my daughter before the pregnancy begins to show, else I’ll never forgive you.” Her mom also called: “Joe, why would you do this to my daughter when you’re not married? In our house, no one gives birth before marriage. You have to marry her.”
I went to meet them with my family. My dad pleaded. My uncle even opined that a pregnant woman can’t be wedded. I told her parents the reason I couldn’t marry her at that time: I didn’t have the money. “Becky knows I would marry her in a blink if I had what it takes.”
Becky was standing there. She didn’t utter a word in support of me. She was sitting there, wearing a frown. After we had left, she called me on the phone: “Joe, the marriage has to happen. Borrow money from family and friends. By all means, we have to marry because in my family, we don’t put the cart before the horse. Be a man, and let’s have a wedding before this begins to show.”
Where I come from, if we can’t put the cart before the horse, we’ll let them be. Let the cart sit somewhere and also allow the horse to prance and dance freely. So things escalated quickly. Becky’s father said he wouldn’t like to see me near his daughter again if I didn’t perform the rite. Becky did the cursing, saying if my intention was to get her pregnant and marry another woman, it would never be well with me. She even said any woman I marry would die.
She blocked me along the way. I couldn’t go to her house, and I couldn’t call her on the phone. Her father became a fortress around his daughter. For two months, I saw her once, but I was sending her Momo. Whenever I had my salary, I shared it with her. It wasn’t much, but it was something. She never called to say thank you or even acknowledge that she’d received it.
When she gave birth, I went to the hospital with my dad and an uncle. Her mom was there. She left when we entered. I asked for the bills. She said they weren’t ready until she was discharged. When we were leaving, she said she wouldn’t want to see me around again because she hadn’t called me.
I didn’t know when she was discharged and didn’t know the total amount she had to pay, but again, I sent her Momo. When we wanted to go and name the child, her father told me, “You’re coming to name the child as what? In my house, we don’t name a child born out of wedlock.”
Eiii!
I stopped trying to be in their lives while all they did was ignore me. Three years later, I got a call from a lady who said she was calling from Social Welfare. Becky had reported me to them. I went with my dad. We narrated the whole ordeal, and the woman in charge was even shocked that they would prevent me from seeing and naming my own child. In the end, we agreed on a lump sum I would send monthly.
I send even a higher amount than we agreed on each month. She’s still not working. She still relies on what her parents give her. She tells me she can’t leave the child alone and go to work, so the child is the reason she’s not working. I told her, “Then start something on your own. You can sell, you can provide a service on your own, you can even do online sales.”
I Was The Man In The Relationship And He Didn’t Like It
The Becky I fell in love with was smart and ambitious, but this one I see has given up on herself. She told me she would like to sell women’s stuff, so I gave her GHC5,000 at first and later added another GHC5,000. She squandered the money and still calls every month for the amount I have to send. She gets angry when I ask her about the business I invested GHC10,000 in. Now she tells me the child got sick, and a lot of the money went into it.
I’ve given up. I’ll continue sending the monthly stipend, but one day, I’ll go for the child. Even if I have to fight ugly to get the child, I’ll do it because this woman won’t help my child or herself.
—Joe
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Joe i meant you are very stupid for pregnanting a girl you dont pay her bride price if am the father i will even ray what you never except i will say you rape my daughter and impregnanted her stupid human being
You destroyed her life. I hope you’re happy because you could have let her abort it knowing you won’t marry her. You pressured her to keep the baby
The people that are blaming Joe,what’s your problem exactly? Was Becky raped? She played a role in putting the cart before the horse! Sometimes,women are wrong too,it’s not men always! Let her surrender the child to the father and go find another man to marry her. The man haa done everything in his power to make things right but Becky ain’t helping the situation. Joe,organise and go pick your child,she will continue using the child aa a pawn for money from you. Don’t forget to update us when you do so!
Her thoughtless and mentally-dead parents are to be blamed for most of this. But our elders say ‘bent but not broken, is the best of all proverbs’. Just try and get Becky alone and try to patch things up, leaving out the parents. No court will allow you to have the child until she’s older and you can meet some other conditions. Please don’t go and try to use force. Pull back from the brink. No need for this to escalate. Give love a chance.
Thank you Georgia, I go with your advice.
Why insulting Joe? His he the first person to impregnate a woman without marrying her?. He shared his story in order to get advice and u are insulting him. Honestly some people only hear english but do not understand it’. Read the story carefully again and tell me the reason why insulting him. WOMEN!!
you were able to send her Ghc 10000 but couldn’t afford to pay her bride price, u need to be a man and accept responsibilities
you deserve all the blames
I don’t know the discussions that went on. But Joe could have been asked to pay a bride price or some sort of money to commit him to marriage after the Becky delivers. This unreasonable behavior of her parents is sad, and she simply took their side, probably out of fear. A loan to quickly do marriage with a child on the way will put them through so much financial turmoil. We’re too engrossed in traditions instead of quality of life. Even people who had planned to marry with no baby on the way and went for loans to marry, struggle a lot and some of them end up having turbulent marriages which ends up leading to divorces. To those insulting Joe, you’d rather he ended a life prematurely or started marriage with a load to repay and a baby to cater for? Do you have any idea how much financial toll that will be for Joe? Knowing that Becky is jobless? In any case, did he impregnate her forcefully or it was consensual? Put on your thinking caps and stop this emotional outburst.
This is the first time I’m seeing stupid comments from the first two comments. I have a feeling it’s either the Becky or someone close to her who is as distorted as herself and her parents. A man you were planning marriage with pleads with your parents to give him time to marry you as he’s not financially secure and they start behaving as if he impregnated an underage girl. Is this Becky in question a child? Did she not have consensual sex with her then boyfriend so where from the nonsense of he destroyed her life. Where in the write up did the writer acted irresponsibly. Joe kudos you have done your best. Don’t allow her use that child as a weapon against you. Take her up in court yes the child is young and might be ruled in her favour but if you can prove beyond reasonable doubt that she’s an unfit mother, you can also win custody of your child. Just build a strong case and present it before the jury. All the best.
Joe you really didn’t try at all. You shouldn’t have pressured her into keeping a baby that she didn’t want if you were not ready to marry her immediately.
When her parents demanded that you marry her, why didn’t you plead with them to pay something small for the bride price, just gather only your close relatives, not more than 20 people and pay the bride price, then do a court wedding after. A person who is planning to have a baby cannot seriously claim that they are unable to afford even this kind of modest ceremony. Instead you brought your uncle to tell her father that they don’t marry pregnant women. Did the man insist that you throw a big ceremony? Did you even offer to do something small? Her father was not unreasonable to insist that Joe marry his daughter after impregnating her.
But her behaviour over the last few years has been unacceptable. Giving birth to an illegitimate child is not the end of the world. And Joe should try and do the right thing. He obviously has enough money for a wedding now. He should patch things up with her and marry her. He obviously still cares about her if he’s giving her GHC10000 to start a business .